Well it's late at night and I thought to myself, what better time to tell a story than before bedtime!
So here we have it.
Spartacus The Horse.
Once upon a time there lived a horse named Spartacus. He was a fabulous black Stallion with a glorious mane made of 100% awesomeness. His hoofs were so tough, and legs so strong, that they made the earth tremble under him when he galloped. His flanks were so shiny and smooth that he was often mistaken as a really, really smooth, shiny thing.
He lived atop of a hill overlooking a little castle and village that sat near a huge lush green plain. Oh how he yearned everyday to go and run amongst the smooth grass, and graze at his leisure while chatting up the female horses that frolicked there.
However he belonged to a very mean hunchback named Gary, who wasn't one of those hunchbacks that you sort of feel sorry for because he may have been shunned from society or treated differently, no. Gary was just a general all around bastard. He once stole a saucer of milk from a thirsty kitten because the kitten was purring too loudly, and it was disrupting him from brooding about things. Now, Gary kept Spartacus locked up in a small barn and only ever took the beast out for horse shows down in the village. Of course he always won, so not only was he a prick, he was a rich prick. Which as we all know, is the worst kind. Everyday he would set about his daily chores of shooting the local sparrows with slingshots, sending prank carrier pigeons to people, and brushing his teeth (because even asshole's know there is no reason why one should forget about tooth decay and plaque build up). Then he would feed Spartacus some delicious fruit and some of the finest grass money could buy.
All and all Spartacus was not treated badly in any way, shape or form. He just thought his owner was a complete idiot was all.
One gorgeous summers evening, Gary had decided to throw a little shindig at his place on the hill. It was quite the mixer, with villagers from all over showing up and socializing together as a community. It was quite the evening of bonding and conversation, but mainly it was just to remind people that he had a lot of money.
One particular guest, a short bald fellow with a red and green parrot that kept asking for crackers and persimmons, had noticed the mighty horse Spartacus poking his head through a gap in the barn door.
'Is that your horse out there?' said the man to Gary.
'Yes' said Gary, 'handsome beast isn't he?'
'Yes, well I mean, I only saw his head' said the man.
'Oh, well he's got a body too' said Gary as he sipped on a glass of red rich stuff.
'Ah. Good... Er listen, do you mind if I take a look a him? I am quite the animal lover.'
Gary eyes slowly widened as his jaw dropped. 'No you may certainly not! That's sick! Find a person like everyone else!'
The man looked puzzled for a second till he clicked. 'No, no. Look I train animals down at the castle.'
'What. Like some kind of animal trainer?' asked Gary.
The man rolled his eyes, and the parrot asked for another persimmon.
'Yes. But I specialize in training animals to do extraordinary things. Magic things.'
This caught Gary's attention, as a million different plans and schemes suddenly rocketed through his tiny misshapen skull.
'What kind of magic things?
The man smiled. 'Almost anything. For instance, Terrance here,' he patted the parrots head softly ' he can explode on command.'
Terrance squawked loudly at a lady, who in turn screamed equally as loud and dropped her drink.
'What do you mean he can explode on command!?' said Gary quizzically.
The man leant in, looked either side and said in a low voice.
'Well, with one utter of a specific magic word, Terrance will explode into a massive ball of flames and carnage.'
There was a slight pause as the cogs slowly processed this in Gary's mind.
'Uhh ok. Can you show me then?'
The man leaned back and plucked a cherry from a nearby fruit bowl.
'Nope sorry. Its only a one time sort of thing. Once he goes boom, he is kaput.'
Gary scrunched his face up. 'Well why would anyone want a parrot that can only explode on command once? What possible use could anyone have for that!?'
The man finished chewing his cherry, popped another into his mouth and began to grin. 'Well, in certain situations it can pay to have an exploding parrot as leverage. For instance, if I wanted to take a beautiful stallion from someone, then a parrot like Terrance may come in handy.'
The man's grin turned into a similar sort of thing that a shark's does when somebody plump jumps into the water right next to it. The realisation of subtle hints to the soon-to-be robbery slowly seeped it's way down Gary's face. His mouth opened a little as he looked from the man, to the barn, and back to the man.
'...By beautiful stallion....you mean the horse right?'
The man dipped his head and let out a little whimper. 'Terrance, please stay with this man while I retrieve the horse.'
'Hold on, hold on! You can't just take my prize horse!' shouted Gary.
The man stopped short of walking over to the barn, and turned back to Gary.
'My dear fellow, if you don't co-operate then I will blow up this entire house, all the guests and most importantly you!'
Gary thought about this a moment. 'No you won't.'
'I will!'
'You won't.'
The man's face began to turn a mild shade of red. 'Dammit man I am not bluffing! I'll blow this whole place sky high!'
Gary looked at the parrot, who this time asked for some dice. 'I still don't believe this parrot can explode on command.'
It appeared that steam was beginning to pour from the man's ears. ' With one word that parrot will incinerate everyone in this room, and yet here you are still arguing with me!'
'Well what's the word then?' asked Gary
'What?'
'You said the with one word that he could explode. Well what word is it?'
If the man had hair, this would be the point where he would start ripping it out. 'I can't tell you the word, otherwise he would explode!'
Gary scratched his chin a second before replying with, 'Well if I don't know what word it is, then there is a good chance I may say it by accident.'
The man stepped forward and leaned over the hunchback. 'Then perhaps it would be better if you would shut! Up!'
By this point everyone at the party had tuned in to the yelling and had a rough idea what was going on. Spartacus could also hear the commotion from his wee barn, and tried pushing his head further through the gap to get a better view.
The man, now fuming, turned and began to make his way to the barn but was stopped yet again by the sound of Gary's annoyingly annoying voice.
'Well what if one of the guests say it?'
Turning around slowly and grinding his teeth as if they were a pestle and mortar, he strode back to the congregation of people. Letting out a loud breath, he put on a very false smile and addressed the guests.
'Ok. As the majority of you may have overheard, what we have here is a situation involving myself robbing this gentleman of his prized horse and holding him at bay with a parrot that explodes on command by uttering a magic word only I know. Now to prevent him from exploding prematurely, I would appreciate it if all of you keep your mouths shut, just in case one of you says it by accident.'
There was an overall silence amongst the crowd. But after a moment or two, one of them piped up. 'Well how do we know he's an exploding parrot?'
The man erupted like a firework of bright colours into the air, leaping about and shouting.
'Just fucking trust me!! This parrot will explode! He'll turn you all to dust! You will be obliterated beyond all recognition! Dust mites will have to use microscopes just to examine your remains!!'
Silence slipped over the room once again as the mad man stood there panting heavily. It was at that moment that Terrance asked for other persimmon.
Gary sighed. 'Look we don't have any persimmon's, just have a banana inste...'
And with that, the entire room lit up like the sun.
The force was really quite impressive, and it really did obliterate everything. The barn around Spartacus blew to bits, and those bits, into pieces of smaller bits. But thankfully, because of Spartacus' sure footing and strong powerful legs, he didn't move an inch. His mane of awesomeness whipped away dangerous shards and debris while his smooth glossy flanks deflected the fames right around him, leaving the mighty beast totally unharmed.
After the smoke had cleared, and dust had settled, Spartacus surveyed the area. It was very quiet. And lonely. It was then that he walked to the edge of the hill and glanced down at the other horse frolicking in the grassy plain. He started his usual day dream about going down there and playing with them, when suddenly it occurred to him that the ties that bonded him to this place were no longer tied.
Free of his master, Spartacus speedily descended upon the plain, and for the first time he felt alive.
THEND
Tune in next time where Spartacus kills a bunch of doom wolves with his pure awesomeness and proves himself among the herd of stunning female horse, of who he has plenty of fun with.
Thank you, And Good night all.
Alex
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