Well that time is upon us again. Halloween. A time for kids to get dressed up like murderous psychopaths and taunt neighbours until sweets are dispersed. Ahhh, good times.
Anyway my last set of horoscopes seemed to be a rather popular thing, and I had quite a few people remark how bizarrely accurate they were...I did warn you.
So today I am pleased to announce that I will be bringing forth my mystic powers once more, on this thy Hallows eve, to give a special Halloween prediction for you all.
Brace yourselves, this is were things get......um.................aw god-dammit! I had something epically good and wise!....*sigh*... never mind, just read on.
This weeks Horror-scope! Brought to you by the amazing, amazing man!
ARIES: If you have never seen 'The Wolfman' then I strongly recommend seeing it. Either version will do. This will probably be a good estimate of what your life will be like if you go strolling around at night during Halloween. If you seen any growling people hunched over in the shadows, do not play the good Samaritan and see if he/she is ok. Just keep walking and try not to sound like a walking meal.
If you do get bitten then always remember to comb your face and brush your fangs. Gingivitis and general untidiness is still frowned upon in the werewolf community too.
Lucky Word: Fleas.
Lucky Song: Bark at the moon - Ozzy Osbourne.
TAURUS: Remember to water your pot plants if you have been neglecting them lately, as Halloween is a dangerous time to have angry, thirsty plant life in your house. Making friends with them, feeding them and apologising for lack of attention, is a good way to earn back their trust. Otherwise you may run the risk of a total hostile plant take over. Think Little shop of horrors, except times ten.
Lucky Word: Gatorade.
Lucky Song: Sunshine - Alice in Chains.
GEMINI: A fishing trip around this time of week may seem like a good idea, but could however prove deadly. Hundreds and thousands of savage Raging Salmon (an exotic and rare breed of Salmon) will rise up and attack fishermen all over the world. If you get caught in a pool of these beasties, they will devour you in just under 5-7 hours. Chance of survival is only 97%, which is a statistic that can strike fear into even the bravest fishermen. My best advice is to dress as a grizzly bear while fishing, as bears have been salmons mortal enemies for centuries. Also by dressing as a Grizzly Bear your fishing will go up by 25 skill points.
Lucky Word: Fuzzy-Wuzzy
Lucky Song: Friendship -Tenacious D
CANCER: You will have to fight off a giant gummy bear that has grown to a monstrous size from sitting in a pool of spilled coke and V mixed together. The catalyst has resulted in the terror of a delicious sugar treat which wants nothing more than destruction! You and only you will have the power to bring down such a formidable foe. So stock up on large hacking weapons, and always remember to sweep the leg.
The worlds survival may very well count on you this Halloween.
Lucky Word: Chainsaw.
Lucky Song: Where strides the Behemoth - Mastodon.
CENTIPEDE: You may feel run off your feet but just be wary of strangers who attempt to offer you a relaxing sit down in the back of their van with some free candy.
Lucky Word: Stranger-Danger.
Lucky Song: Night Prowler- AC/DC.
LEO: If you see a small cute dog, with or without a bow or bow tie, for gods sake do not touch it! Don't pat it, don't woo at it, don't even smile at it. It will be a hell hound dressed cunningly in disguise as a adorable tiny dog. Every inkling to turn to jelly at the sight of its cute cuddly exterior should be fought with up most self control. If it lets out a tiny high pitched yap, cocks its little head to the side and smiles, and as a result turn you into a blubbering mess, you will either need to collect yourself immediately or be prepare to have your soul consumed.
This happens to Leo's every Halloween, so just once, please please ignore the most adorable thing you've ever seen.
Lucky Word: Control.
Lucky Song: Hell hound on my trail - Robert Johnson.
VIRGO: Any of you who have been doing genetic experiments to breed pure Unicorns, will have an unfortunate turn of events around Thursday. This can easily be avoided by simply remembering to not leave the door to the lab open, otherwise a mouse will sneak into the gene splicing machine and cause a beast like no other to emerge and wreak havoc all over town. With the speed and strength of a horse, and the nimbleness and lust for cheese of a small mouse, this monstrosity will set out to devour the entire towns stock of dairy products. There is a reason why these two animals aren't allowed to interbreed.
So perhaps be a little more safety concious this week.
Lucky Word: Custard.
Lucky Song: Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden.
LIBRA: If you have been humming and harr-ing over buying a new house, now is NOT the time. Every empty 'For Sale' house around on Halloween becomes notoriously haunted by the vengeful spirits of Rats and dust mites long past. They can manifest in various ways and can sometimes cause toasters stay down for a full 20 seconds longer, thus burning the toast and ruining breakfast for all. Some dust mite ghosts have reportedly tickled peoples noses while they sleep. Trust me Libra, you do not want this terrifying experience to happen to you.
Lucky Word: Ah-choo!
Lucky Song: House of the rising sun - The Animals.
SCORPIO: If you have never watched a zombie film/show or played a zombie game, or even have no idea how to kill a zombie, then you may very well be stuffed. Come Halloween night, any Scorpio's walking through dark mysterious cemeteries may be greeted with tones and moans of the undead. Supposedly Scorpio brains are a delicacy for zombies on the darkest night of the year, and walking into a graveyard on Halloween is like a antelope walking into an all you can eat buffet full of Lions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the short cut through the Cemetery.
Lucky Word: Shotgun.
Lucky Song: Reise, Reise - Rammstein.
SAGITTARIUS: Halloween has traditionally been a time to eat candy, however for all you Sagittarius out there, this may prove a lethal move. Deep within your DNA lies the potential to turn into something that resembles that little girl on Charlie and the chocolate factory who eats that lolly and blows up like a giant plum, or even like Slimer from Ghost Busters. If, and only if, you eat precisely 27 pieces of candy (This excludes sugar-free candy, or 'healthy' candy which, just between you and me. is just made from remnants of old tires and refrigerator lining).
So be a good boy or girl, and don't dive straight into the treats as soon as they are open.
Lucky Word: Combustion.
Lucky Song: Brown Sugar - ZZ Top.
CAPRICORN: It might pay to be very wary of huge swarms of locus tomorrow. In fact, going outside tomorrow should probably be a no go. Due to the heat and the time of year, they are driven into bloodthirsty frenzies toward Capricorn everywhere. It is still unsure why, but many believe its because goats and bugs have been adversaries for many years. My advise would be get a lot of bug spray and matches.
Lucky Word: Raid.
Lucky Song: Locust - Machine Head
AQUARIUS: If you have ever wondered what was really under your bed, Halloween is not the time to find out. Dribbling furiously under there is a true mongoloid of a creature. Red teeth, and huge black eyes that sink deep into its oblong shaped skull. Its large round nose can smell you sleeping atop of it, and this is why it drools. It has long thick arms and long bony fingers for snatching up people who go venturing into its domain. Tuffts of thick red hair sit around its neck in a matted mane. You may find bits of this on the carpet, and just think it is cat fur (despite not actually owning a cat), and that smell you so amateurly mistake as dirty socks, is simply his breath as he pants slowly, deeply, lying in wait.
That, or its that Elmo toy you left under your bed ages ago, and you've been looking for ever since.
Lucky Word: Hope.
Lucky Song: Superbeast - Rob Zombie.
PIECES: You are going to have a very interesting and polite conversation with an elderly man tomorrow somewhere, supermarket, bus stop, bar, wherever. He shall explain the whims and woes of the world to you, and may bring up some very interesting points about the modern lifestyles of the common people and the politics that are secretly ruining the very society they say they are protecting. You'll share a laugh, and a song will come on, and you'll both have a wee sing along, and he shall explain what the very essence of music is to you. And you shall turn away for a moment, and when you look back to where the smiling man had been standing, he will be gone. The conversation will stick with you for a while, his words still burning deep in your mind, but you will soon realise you have a roast to put in the oven, and it was getting late anyway.
Lucky Word: Inquisitive.
Lucky Song: Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones.
Well there you have it. True an accurate prophecies from a true and accurate man called Alex Pickard.
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