Astrology...It's not that hard.

Astrology.... Some people believe in it, some people think it is complete and utter hocus. You know, I can can see why. It is a bit far fetched that a sun or dying suns millions of billions of light years away, flickering in our earth's sky, are able to tell everything about us as a person depending on when that person was born?

But you know what? One cool summers eve, after a scorching hot day of smothering bitches in margarine...

...Wait...scratch that, hold on I'll start again...

...One cool summers eve, after a glorious day under the sun, I grabbed a nice cold beer and sat outside looking up at the twinkling shapes in the clear nights sky, and I saw something. Patterns emerged among the stars, and I could hear them whisper down to me in a very silky ethereal voice. I heard a great many things. It was as if the wisdom of the whole universe began seeping into my brain....And come morning... I could accurately tell peoples fortunes via their star signs.

Its a skill I have mostly kept under wraps but I thought I should finally reveal. I have have had many Astrologers baffled at the accurateness of my horoscope readings. Many have quit their jobs and turned to a life of selling waffles and fluffy candy at show grounds, in the fear that one day I will show my face and bring  them all to shame.
So, below I have listed the signs of the Zodiac, and for each one I will write the weeks horoscope. Read on if you dare, but this is where it gets totally...and utterly.........AMAZING!!! (It would be appreciated if you insert epic music just here).

This weeks Horoscopes, By Master Mystery Man, Alex Master Mystery Man Pickard.

Aries: This week looks promising for heroic endeavours. However, you must be careful that your stubborn nature wont have you butting heads with unsavoury characters, like a local biker gang. If so, wear a helmet. They do, and it hurts. Around Wednesday you will come into the path of a small fortune. So remember to wear a balaclava, and talk in a deep voice. If you hit the security van hard and fast, the stars say you should make good your getaway.

Lucky Number: 70,000 if successful.
Lucky Colour: Crisp Green.

Taurus: If you have been thinking about doing some travel, now is certainly the time to do so. In fact, a trip away from the family and friends could just be what the doctor ordered... Because around the 9th  you will contract severe radiation poisoning. You are most likely to be shipped to a 'special' containment holding facility, but if you make a run for it you may make it to Invercargall which, as we know, is very mutant friendly.

Lucky Number:  P.239
Lucky Colour: Vibrant Glowing Lime.

Gemini: Big and bold changes head your way around Tuesday. There is the off chance however that you may get carried away with these changes and go completely insane. If you have a friend chain you to a wall of something, you should be fine. Otherwise you are most likely to go on a hippie rampage, smoking everything you can, painting things bold and awfully incompatible colours, and releasing animals from local Zoo's.
Financially you are going to be doing well this week, which is good because you will need it for the following weeks court fee's.

Lucky  Number: 20, 310.99
Lucky Colour:  Rainbow.

Cancer: Bad news this week. Around the first Saturday of the week (as oppose to the third Saturday of the week) you will come into position of a golden ring. While this may not seem like such a bad thing at first, once you uncover its ability to turn the wearer invisible, all hell will break loose. You will most likely be contacted by a group of ring 'enthusiasts' who will squabble over the ring repeatedly until you will have no other choice but to melt it in a volcano, just to get the annoying pricks off your back. All and all, a terrible waste of what could have been a very fun object.

Lucky Number: 9
Lucky Colour: Not Gold.

Leo: A stand out week for you indeed. Not only will you be commended by public officials for something heroic, you will also be globally recognised as a shinning example of human life. Around the 12th, a public holiday will be made in your name, and people will shower you in gifts and praise.
On a not so great note, your dog Betsy will be torn to shreds by an escaped alligator from the local zoo.

Lucky Number: Blue
Lucky Colour: 3

Virgo: On Monday a wild Snorlax will block your path, forcing you to take the long way around to work for the rest of the week. This will result in a stressful week, which may have a vast impact on your love life. Be careful not to intimidate your partner with the raw sexual magnitude of the stress and tension you have been bottling up inside over the course of the week. This could result in someone loosing an eye.
To avoid all this, get a private jet.

Lucky Number: 69
Lucky Colour: Purple Nerple

Minotaur: This week will feel awfully a lot like you have been running around a labyrinth of feelings. A sense of being lost may be so overwhelming, that you might feel like eating anyone one who comes into this Labyrinth of yours. Both literally and metaphorically. Stay away from people named Theseus, and drink plenty of milk.

Lucky Number: 100,101
Lucky Colour: Brown, with a tinge of more brown. But different to the first brown.

Libra: Your luck with animals could be coming to an end. Around the 15th it is advised that you lock all entries and exits of your house and remain indoors for the remainder of the week. If you have pets, feed them, then leave them outside. They will be fine. If you don't, you run the risk of being mauled to death. The Planet Ostrichidious is aligning with the Moon, which will cause all animals in the world to turn randomly become bloodthirsty and start attacking innocent Libra's. This happens once every 1000 years, and it is still unknown why the animals only attack innocent Libra's, leaving sinful Libra's unharmed. So on the 14th, perhaps its best to kill a hobo, or push over a baby or something, just to be sure.

Lucky Number: 1001
Lucky  Colour: Black

Scorpio: A band of thieves will attack your caravan if you are not careful around the 18th. Aside from that, this week looks to be pretty relaxing. You might find that some unresolved issues regarding a toaster and a family members hamster, might better be resolved in therapy rather than a grand canyon trip.

Lucky number: Hopefully 5
Lucky Colour: Blood Red like little red riding hoods cape, and then like her, after she was eaten by the wolf.

Sagittarius: Any personal goals you have been putting off due to unfortunate timing, or financial problems, should now be put into play. If you want a pony buy a pony. If you want a jet ski, buy a jet ski. If you want to go bungee jumping, then go bungee jumping! Now is the time Mi Amigo... Because in the next few weeks you will become a reclusive hermit due to work issues and a new partner who use to work as a slave driver in the 1800's. It's not ideal, but at least you can get some good gaming in and remember the good times, during the 15 minutes a day that the crazy manipulative whore sleeps.

Lucky Number: 15
Lucky Colour: Anything but the whip!

Raichu: The air between you and another will be electric this week. Sparks will fly and new friendships will be born. However there will be a sense of regret about the past, almost as if you wish that you were younger for longer. Doubt whether or not you grew up and evolved into this new life to fast will soon pass, as you bask in the joy and love of this new friendship you have made. But beware. This friendship will be a total sham. They will betray you and force you into a life of slavery, drugs and fighting for some ridiculous currency no one has ever heard of. You will live the rest of your life curled in a ball wishing death and disaster to your capturer.
Things should look up around Thursday, when you will find a nice flower.

Lucky Number: #26
Lucky Colour: Orangey-Yellow.

Capricorn: Focus on your hobbies is essential this week, as around Sunday you will stumble upon something absolutely amazing. It will be a skill that will be vital for all mankind's survival in the coming years. Treasure it, nurture it, and work its technique. You are borderline a chosen one, so you will need to take care of yourself. Try to eat less fatty foods, cut back on sky diving, and don't jump into puddles. If you die, the whole of the human race maybe in jeopardy...But you know, no pressure.

Lucky Number: 5 Billion!
Lucky Colour: All of them!

Aquarius: Your style is a key issue this week. In a flurry of rash decisions you will put together an outfit which will divide the masses. To some it will be trendy and sexy, others it will be the epitome of complete disregard for society and a total fashion disaster. Because of this, fashion agency's and models of both gender all around the world will be at each others throats, with total anarchy running rampant through the streets of the fashion kingdom. With one simple decision, you will bring the entire enterprise of what's 'cool' to its knees. It's a lot to handle, so best get prepared by making speeches to lego men or teddy bears.
Everyone else who has nothing to do with fashion, will be vastly unaffected by these little tantrums and outbursts, and so will go about their daily lives as normal.

Lucky Number: 1
Lucky Colour: Beige.

Pisces: This is NOT your week. Run hard, Run fast......Good Luck. You'll need it.

Lucky Number: I doesn't matter, just Run.
Lucky Colour: WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING!!??