Terrible Horoscopes With Alex Pickard

Hi, I'm Alex Pickard, Horoscope extraordinaire and three times 'oracle of year' winner (unopposed), here with your Horoscopes for this week coming.

Each reading is highly accurate and should be taken both literally, figuratively, and metaphorically.



Aries: You'll misplace your soul this week, which could be the cause of many misinterpreted situations. You will most likely be as emotional as a blank sheet of paper, and may lack much needed empathy towards many of your counter parts. This can result in a number of awkward situations throughout the week.
On the upside, it's Poker night this Tuesday.

Taurus: Bees. Bees everywhere. No matter what you do this week, bees will carry out individual and personal vendettas against you. Probably not a good idea to go down to the ol botanical gardens... or into your garden.... or outside... or any places where bees can get to you.
On the upside, you'll save up to 60% on all honey and wax related goods for the week!

Gemini: You will have trouble with clothes this week. Menacing trouble. The trouble that makes one wonder if clothes are actually sentient? Don't be surprised if your jersey tries to trap you inside its cozy woolen deeps, or if your singlet tries to throttle you in your sleep. Best idea is just not to wear any this week.
On the upside, the weathers suppose to be in the high 10's!

Cancer: You are too attractive this week which causes complete chaos in the streets. Un-checked mayhem erupts in your city as every passer by looks on in utter awe, followed by going completely mad at the prospect that they potentially will never ever look as good as you do in that moment.
On the upside, two for one ribs at Lone Star. Bring your friends!

Leo: You'll enter a rather trance-like zombie state this week (minus the brain and flesh eating), where you'll go to work and do your job without really realising you are doing it. Menial tasks at home will be completed with the same strange state, and throughout the week you may come to lose several days worth of memory. This should end around the weekend, but until then you may look into the mirror and wonder deep philosophical meanings about your work life and your existence in it.
On the upside, the work days should just fly by.

Virgo: You won't be able to put the book you are currently reading down this week! ....Literally. An old gypsy curse was cast on the cover which makes the book cling to its readers hand until they have finished it, recommend it to three friends, and reviewed it on a public forum.
On the upside, you're lucky it's not the extended addition.

Libra: High chance of falling victim to product placement this week. To avoid this, place all credit cards in the freezer, and avoid every and all forms of advertising.
On the up side all your dreams can come true and more, for the low one off price of $799!

Scorpio: High chance of sleeping this week. Probably most nights when it gets dark, and usually till it gets light again. During your state of unconsciousness your brain will encounter all kinds of imaginary things, and upon your wake you will feel refreshed and vitalized. All your friends will envy you of this and so you must be prepared to be shunned from most of your loved ones and colleagues this week.
On the upside, you'll be unconscious for a good proportion of the week, so others opinions wont matter.

Time Lord: Your TARDIS may turn green this week. Not to worry as it is temporary, however the planet you will be on when it turns said colour, find green highly offensive.
On the upside, you'll be home in time for tea.

Sagittarius: A trip to the zoo could cause real issues in time management this week, as being heart warmed by the new red panda exhibit is an real and present threat. One trip to see them, more than likely, will end up in two trips. Two will end in three, and why would any sane person end their zoo visiting spree on an odd number, so a fourth visit would be more than likely. Your workplace may be justifiably upset, but I'm sure if you bring them back red panda soft toys they'll understand.
On the upside, you'll miss the work fire drill that turned into a real fire.

Capricorn: You'll lose a foot race to a four year old, every day, for the whole week. It'll be humiliating.
On the upside, the pub is open late..

Aquarius: Very very very very very likely to be eaten by radioactive ants. It's one of those things that you don't think is ever going to happen, until it does. So my recommendation is to stay away from any places where ants can get to you. Shouldn't be hard. But also perhaps stay away from Taurus this week too.
On the upside, possible super powers.

Pisces: Romance is in the air, and while you won't take a part in any of it, the built up fury you will receive from being subjected to peoples public displays of affection will ultimately fuel your long dormant fire for world domination. Becoming a super villain is a hard thing to accomplish in a week, but your disdain love heart cookies and the word 'snookiums' should be able to give you the drive you'll need.
On the upside, your black bed sheet will make an excellent Villain cape.


Well there we have it folks. Hope they all work out nicely. Any complaints can be made, but just not to me.

Thank you.

Why Rogue One Was Important For Vader.

Okay, so I was thinking, as I do at irrational hours of the morning, and I think I came up with a bit of an explanation to why Vader's final scene was so necessary, and so so badass.

Again, Spoilers for Rogue One... let's get that out of the way.


So there is no denying that Darth Vader's presence on screen is completely captivating. Always argued as one of the greatest villains of all time, and always talked about with much enthusiasm. I don't think I've ever heard, in all my years, some one say 'Darth Vader sucks', however I also may have selective hearing to such things. But indeed, it is undeniable that he is a character that stirs up many emotions and opinions among viewers.

I remember talking to my mum about him one time, and her telling me that when she saw Star Wars in the theaters after it had first come out, everyone was just in awe with this dark shrouded figure who came in and dominated the screen. Nothing quite like him had ever been seen before.

Then all these years later, we get Rogue One. We all knew from the trailer that Vader was going to have a small part in it, and everyone was excited. But I doubt anyone was prepared for those final moments of the film in which Vader stepped in and opened up a whole galaxy of pain on a hallway of rebel soldiers. This...this was Vader like we had never properly seen him, and boy, what a treat it was. But more than that, I felt it was necessary.

A few friends have even said to me afterwards, that watching the original trilogy now, after seeing Rogue one, makes his character even more badass. And you know what? They are are absolutely right.

If we look back to the ol original trilogy, we get to see Vader portrayed in many ways which build up and cement his character. And I like to think of them as so;

• In A New Hope, we see his ruthless side. 
• In Empire Strikes Back we get to see his determined side.
• And in Return of the Jedi we see his cunning.

Now, in a New Hope, right from the get go we get a taste of the fear he exudes with his prescience, and later on, even the at very mention of his name. His renown is apparent both in the rebels and the Empire, and as an audience we start to feel worried about this ominous figure and his capabilities.
When we finally bare witness to the Vader force choking one of his own officers, it immediately becomes apparent that there is very little that worries this hulking figure. A figure who will appears to have a blatant disregard for human life. He's even quite happy to torture the princess, because to him, it's all just a means to an end. Even after he strikes down Obi Wan, there is a feeling that he is a serious force to be reckoned with, and after we see him join his Tie fighters in the space conflict, we now know he has no problem getting his hands dirty.

From seeing all this, it imposes the idea in us that he is well and truly an evil being.

However, in The Empire Strikes Back we get to see a slightly different side to him. A side that only increases our dread of his figure.
We see him at his most driven. Everything he does is with force, and means. You can feel his hate for the rebels, and his frustration at letting them slip away during Hoth. This is when his character starts using more subtle tactics. And this is where he actually starts to become scary. We've seen and known him as a ruthless villain, but suddenly we see the extent to which his determination is driven, and how his sheer willpower to not give up backs the heroes into the corner.
Again, we begin to understand why he is such a menacing presence to both the rebels and the Empire.

Then in Return of the Jedi we see almost his final side. His cunning. Finally we understand he is not just the Emperors pawn, and that he has his own plans. Not only does he adapt to counter the rebel attack, but with the new knowledge that he has a son, he even creates a ploy to attempt to lure Luke
to the dark side and supersede his Master.
And now we understand why he was such a constant threat. As he was always one step ahead of his foes.

The subtly of his character was done very well too, with a constant build up, never quite revealing the extent of his power, but alluding to the fact that there was more to be feared. That in itself was fantastic writing. And although we are left satisfied with his characters arch, there is always that scratch that part of us wanted to be itched. We still wanted to see why he was so utterly feared by the rebels to begin with. We still wanted to see why the Imperial army was so obedient to him. We wanted to see his power at it's most ruthless. Because although we see plenty examples of his different sides, we only catch snippets of what could only be thought of as his 'true power'. Even in all his battles, they are primarily against other skilled force uses. Obi Wan. A trained Luke, then a Luke as a full fledged Jedi.
But a few storm trooper onlookers during his fight with Obi Wan aside, no one else witnesses his battles. So why is he so incredibly feared?

I think a question of what Vader could actually do if properly unleashed against the enemy, is something that we have always had in the back of our minds but never been too worried about, as his character is already so well portrayed.

Then Rogue One happened, and that itch finally got scratched.

The final corridor scene (and this is a bold statement) is one of my favourite Star Wars moments. It is borderline something out of a horror/thriller movie.
That moment of calm before the storm, where an air of hope is suddenly stripped away by silence, is just haunting. Then that unmistakable sound of Vader's breather, slowly seeps in, and like emerging from a nightmare, the red glow from his saber illuminates him.
Straight away we don't just see the terror in the rebel soldiers faces, we feel it with them. It's that 'We are all doomed' moment.

Then we finally see it. We finally see what we've always secretly been waiting for. Vader in action.  And boy is it glorious.
Those brief two minutes had my heart racing. You suddenly feel the sheer panic of the soldiers enclosed with this heaving behemoth of darkness. You feel the futility of their attempts at stopping him. Yet we can't help but gaze on in awe at this unstoppable juggernaut as he ploughs, shreds and forces his way through the resistance like mere snowflakes.
We see that determination even through his expressionless mask; we see that ruthlessness in every swipe of his saber; we see his cunning in the use of fear itself to instantly demoralize the men. The screams of 'Help us!'...Its like running in a straight line away from a freight train. There is simply no escape.

Then when the plans are finally past on and blast door closes, there is absolute split second of 'phew, that was close' before Vader immediately forces through the door and continues his advance into the next hall.
Even that final scene unfolding behind the rebel solider as he looks back and closes the door behind him, is one of utter ferociousness. Vader effortlessly cutting the men down like blades of grass, is a sight of awe.
Even the prolonged scream of "Launch!" from the soldier lends so much to the moment. It's a cry of utter trepidation. He literally just sealed the fate of those men behind the door, without a second thought.

It's a cinematic moment that really came out of nowhere, and in such a brief time absolutely stirred up a whirlwind of feelings.
But in that moment Vader's character became well and truly complete. We got to see why he people tremble in his presence. Why his fear was absolute. And we finally got to see what we all suspected he was capable of.


For some, it may have just been a fight in a hallway. For me, it was a pure example of Vader's use of Dark Side. And that's why it was an important addition to a great movie.

Why the Hell is Kylo Ren named Ben??

I know this is a very strange thing to be posting at 3.30 in the morning, but as I'm sick and my sleep patterns appear to have gone out the window, I shall share what ails my mind at this time. Force Awakens spoilers ahead....

I don't get why, in the film, Kylo Ren's real name is Ben.

Now I know that it is suppose to be in honour of ol Obi Wan, but when you think of it, that doesn't really make any sense?

Consider this. Why would Leia or Han name their son after someone they barely know?

Now, Obi Wan does play an important role in Leia's life, considering he knew her parents, he was there at her birth, he helped hide her as a baby, and she sent him the message asking for his help, via R2-D2. ....But the only time she EVER actually see's him in the whole franchise is when Vader strikes him down. Even then she's pretty occupied shooting troopers, so it would have just been a fleeting glimpse. A 'woah! That old dude just turned into a pile of robes!?' kind of acknowledgement.
The only reason she knew to send Obi Wan the plans in the first place was because her ol step dad told her he was to be trusted. She never actually see's him face to face.

Alright then, so perhaps it was Han's idea to name him Ben?
But again, I ask you, why?
Han knew the guy for like less than a day! In that time they briefly escaped Tatooine, had an argument about the force, hatched a quick scheme to get them out of the Death Star, then he saw him get killed.
Now Han is a smuggler. He has probably met hundreds of interesting characters over the years, and he has probably had repeat business with them and certainly met some more than once. So why on earth would he choose to honor some old dude that he spent half a day with, instead of a known friend?

Which brings me to the only real conclusion, that Luke named the kid, as he was the only one to spend any real time with Obi Wan.... But isn't that weird? Like imagine this:

Leia has just given birth to a lovely baby boy, all the friends and family have gathered to see;

Leia: Oh he's gorgeous Han. What do we name him?
Han: What about Padme after your mother?
Luke: No.
Leia: Well then what about Lando? After all he did help us wi...
Luke: Wrong.
Han: Uhh....
Luke: The child will be called Ben.
Leia: Who?
Luke: Ben.
Leia: Who the hell is Ben?
Han: Do you mean after Obi Wan?
Luke: Yes.
Leia: Obi Wan Kenobi's real name was Ben?
Han: I think it was.
Luke: It will honour his noble death and sacrifice to the Jedi order.
Leia: But I never even met him.
Luke: He was great, you'd have loved him. I can probably call him over sometime, but he'll be in spectral form, so don't freak out.
Leia: Uhh...okay.
Luke: Excellent, Ben it is!


....That'd be like an uncle coming in and naming your child for you....actually that IS an uncle naming his siblings child.

The other alternative of course is that they simply just liked the name Ben, and it happened to coincide with a famous character they barely knew.... But what are the odds, really?

Why the T-1000 is Secretly More Terrifying Than We Know.

So as I was lying in bed last night, my mind does what it normally does right before I go to sleep and decide to ponder something which will inevitably cause me to stay awake for hours longer.

The topic this time was the T-1000  (from Terminator 2: Judgement Day) and it's capabilities.

In the film the T-800 tells John Connor 'The T-1000 can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals in them. Moving parts. It doesn't work that way, but it can form solid metal shapes... Knives and Stabbing weapons.'

Now my initial question was, if it can't turn into a gun or a complex machine, then how can it replicate a human, surely a human is more complex than a pistol?

   But then I started thinking, well he is essentially like a big block of play-dough. You can make the exterior whatever shape you want, with as much aesthetic detail that you want, but on the inside it'll still just be play-dough. And the proof of this is obviously seen whenever the T-1000 get's shot, we can see his liquid insides. Mimetec Poly-alloy, if I am not mistaken, which is made from nano-robotics.
 However, this is still a massively complex feat, as colours would have to either have to be replicated via an internal database of pre-picked colours, or the nano-tech would have to somehow have to scan every shade on a possible victim and make up the new information into its own records and replicate it with the new information, Either way, the T-1000 processor must be incredibly fast, but its Skynet, so it's kinda a given.

   My next train of thought then went to his regenerative ability, because due to the nano technology, he can quickly sew himself back together. Yet as we see on two occasions, he can actually separate from himself and recall missing mass; Once when they escape the mental facility and the T-1000 latches onto back of the car (with his mighty crowbar arms!) where the Terminator shoots him off leaving a small segment of the hook attached to the car, which John throw onto the road.
And secondly, after Arnie hasta la vista's him into thousands of pieces after the T-1000 is frozen in liquid nitrogen.

   Now this means that there must be some kind of signal that travels from his CPU to the nano-bots which tells them how to act when together and when separate from the main body. More interestingly to me is that, while in the latter the T-1000 melt into puddles and form back together, in the former example the T-1000 separated claw piece actually stays in shape until he reaches it and assimilates it back into his body.
   Does this then mean that the T-1000 can, not only separate sections of his body and control them, but also have those sections maintain particular forms??

  If so, then theoretically, the T-1000 turning - at least part of himself - into a gun isn't entirely out of the question.
   What if he took, say, his hand mass and split it into the essential parts that make up a standard pistol, then sent the signal for the nano-bots to remain in those form while he assembled it. Now as the the T-800 states, the T-1000 can't mimic chemicals, but (and I'm no gun expert) isn't the only chemical compound in a gun the gunpowder in the bullets? If so, that could be easily bypassed by the T-1000 just making solid bullets and adjusting the firing mechanism.
   Now comes the scary thought.
   In the asylum getaway scene where he is shot off the car, John doesn't throw the claw piece from the car until a fair way down the road away from where the T-1000 fell. This means for it to hold it's form in the claw shape, the signal between it and the main CPU must be a considerable distance, which in turn means IF the T-1000 could make part of itself into a gun AND the bullets, then he certainly would be able to fire one of the bullets and have it maintain shape and solidarity well within range of most killshots. ...Which in turn would theoretically mean the T-1000 could shoot someone with himself.

   Even if it was totally impossible for him to create a gun, surely, using the same logic as above, he could create his arm into a crossbow and fire a bolt instead of a bullet? In fact that may even be more efficient!

But if you think that is scary, consider this.
   The T-1000 has his target within his distance. He shoots said target (with either a bullet or bolt) and the projectile becomes lodged inside the targets body. Now, even if it wasn't a kill shot (I assume it always would be considering he is a Terminator after all), a part of the T-1000 is now INSIDE the targets body. A part which can be controlled by a signal from the terminator himself. A mimetec polyalloy part which, at any time, could be turned back into liquid metal and given a signal to reshape into another deadly object!
Even if it wasn't a killshot, the T-1000 could just turn the projectile into liquid metal, seep into the targets blood stream and turn into razors or a spiked ball, killing the target from the inside out!

   And what if the only reason we didn't see him do so is because he is essentially, like, a couple days old and is only following his primary directives which don't allow for creative thought?

   I mean I could be totally wrong, but either way, the fact that the T-1000 could theoretically do all this, really make him much more of a fearsome villain.


...And that's why I was awake all night...

Top Ten Albums I Discovered This Year.

It's no big secret that I love music. I like to think I tend to have a broad spectrum too, and am always listening for new sounds, artists and albums. Naturally, I have my favourites and ...well, least favourites.
 As a colossal part of my life, its fitting that I have particular songs that remind me of certain things, and I'm a big fan of associating music with particular events.

A couple years ago, 2011 to be exact, I had a year of very significant events, and surrounding them were particular songs that would just get played ruthlessly to death until another event occurred with another song in tow.
I decided that year, to collect the songs, in order as they happened, and make a playlist of every significant song over the year. And I've been doing it ever since.

To me music is a medium that can bring on waves of such diverse emotions, and I love listening to a song whilst recalling the events which happened upon their discovery, or even re-discovery.


This year, however, has been slightly different. Although, yes I am still making my song list, I have noticed (with great help from jumping rigorously through the 'related artist' button on Spotify) that I have actually found some truly tremendous Albums, not just songs. And even more so, this has been quite the year of exploring new sounds as well.

So here I am, at the end of the year, and after deep consideration, going to share with you my top ten albums that I discovered this year.

Now, they aren't all new releases. Some are a few years old. These however are just simply albums that I haven't heard until this year, and that have made this year what it is for me.

So enough explaining. lets crack into it at number 10 and slowly work its way to my number 1 album of this year.


#10.
Images du Futur by Suuns.
Stand Out Tracks: 2020, Bambi.

Thank you Ant Man. After Seeing one of the trailers I instantly sought out 2020 and fell in love with the trippy little track, playing it on repeat till I drove the flatmates mad. However this to my delight was only one of many jems packed into a very...Interesting album, containing elements of rock, pop. electronica, and very groovy and, at times, ghostly rhythms. The songs are infectious, and you find yourself involuntarily bopping along to them without even realising.


#9.
Redline by Lazerhawk.
Stand Out Tracks: Dream Machine, So Close.

This was a very late entry and after a couple dozen listens knocked  In Decay by Com Truse off the list completely. (But an honourable mention to it!).
Redline very much makes you feel like you are inside an 8bit pixel race car, hurtling down a never ending highway while the horizon lights up in erratic strobe colours. Oh, and all whilst in the 80s... Annnd probably on acid. The music is very much a nod to 80's synth, and would not feel out of place combing David Hasselhoffs hair as he cruises Miami beach in said 8bit car. ...That was an odd analogy, but then again it is an odd album, full of catchy and trippy ditties (I am allowed to say 'ditty' in this context) with the likes of Dream Machine being so ridiculously addictive and upbeat that I may have already listened to it eighty times just today.

#8.
Seven Thunders Roar by Stoned Jesus.
Stand Out Tracks: I'm The Mountain, Stormy Monday.

One thing I love about the whole 'stoner rock' genre, is when it's done right, it is just the most badass thing ever. Slow, heavily distorted riffs, deep thunderous drums, over bassey guttural yet haunting vocals make for an exceptional sound, bringing forward all kinds of grooves.  Seven Thunders Roar is an album that takes its time and in doing so, tells an almost campfire-esque tale. Each song being more epic than the last. Stoned Jesus knows their strengths, and sticks to them well.

#7.
Junip by Junip.
Stand Out Tracks: Beginnings, Walking Lightly.

Jose Gonzalez has always had a dreamily unique voice. It's soothing daydream inducing, and coupled with Junip's chilled melodic sound, you have an album that simply puts you to sleep.... I 'm kidding (although it is a great album for falling asleep to in the sun). In some ways this is the perfect demonstration of how minimal use of numerous instruments can build stunning atmosphere on a track.


#6.
Tarot Sport by Fuck Buttons.
Stand Out Tracks: Surf Solar, Phantom Limb

Again, curiosity got the better of me and I simply had to find out what exactly a Fuck Button sounded like. Turns out, and array of everything. And sometimes nothing at all. Beautifully structured and layered songs are slowly built up to the point of... well, one could appropriately argue, 'orgasm'.
The songs, for the most part, are epic and long with the average song clocking in around 9mins plus. The album itself is oddly aggressive in the way the sound is used. It slaps you in the face repetitively with fuzzed out bass-heavy tones, whilst simultaneously giving you the best massage of your life, which at first is confusing, but then kind of feels good, and when it ends you sort of look around to see anyone was watching, all the time wondering if you should feel bad for feeling that good.

#5.
CVI by Royal Thunder.
Stand Out Tracks: Blue, Drown.

Royal Thunder were a band I happened upon while just listening to a whole lot of new tracks by different bands on some website, I forget now, and after falling in love with said track, I went in search of the bands other material. That's when I found CVI.
You know how you sometimes just out of nowhere find an album which is just so different and glorious from everything else, that you instantly know you need it in your life. This is one of those. Heavy. Beautiful. Melodic. Entrancing. Skilful. Epic. And plus some!
The musicianship on this album is absolutely spot on, with no one element being any more stand out than another. The vocals (female) are stunning and fit the infectious guitar riffs perfectly. The drums are something special and it is always welcome to hear a drummer who is in no way generic. The songs themselves are incredibly epic, and build their tension well, exploding when you least expect it into a frenzy of talent.
I have to point out, Blue may have very well made it into my favourite hard rock songs of all time. It is so well structured and laid out, with (again) every musician playing their part impeccably.

#4.
What We All Come To Need by Pelican.
Stand Out Tracks: Strung Up From The Sky, The Creeper.

This was a band I actually found last year but almost completely forgot about until a couple months ago. Going through their back catalogue I came across this... masterpiece??
First off, Pelican are, well I would call them almost melodic doom metal, but it's kind of hard to actually put them into any genre. This isn't just your standard run of the mill distorted guitars and pounding drums. No. This is chugging guitars at its mastery. Bass heavy rhythms that epically flow from one section into another, almost telling a story... but entirely without vocals. Well not entirely. Final Breath marks their mere 2nd song ever to feature a singer. And even that is glorious.
I would compare them to Neurosis, but in many ways Pelican are much more technical and thoughtful in the way they use the heaviness of their sound. And it is a BIG sound. Amazingly they create vividly unique imagery and a sense of awesome, powerful, storytelling.

#3.
Resistance by Champion
Stand Out Tracks: Sannios Beach, Alive Again.

This was one album I simply had no idea was out. I was a huge fan of Champions Chill' Em All, thanks largely to the game Borderlands. The likes of No Heaven and Sergio's Trio from said album were ridiculously cool and catchy beats, and it left me hungry for more. So over the moon was I when I realised there was another album by the Canadian beat master, that I did an imaginary back flip and proceeded to play the damn thing on repeat until I realised my flat mates were preping a guillotine in my honour. Resistance is definitely another step up, and the songs are all slick with atmospheric build ups, resulting in explosions of thunderous and addictive climaxes. His work is a wonderful mix of house electronica with pounding rhythmic bass guitar and occasionally screaming electric guitar.

#2.
Lightning At The Door by All Them Witches
Stand Out Tracks: When God Comes Back, Funeral For A Great Drunken Bird.

A friend told me to check these dudes out after we had a conversation about great blues-stoner-grungy-rock, and I tell you what, it was one of the best recommendations ever.
You know when you find a band that perfectly combines everything you love about music into songs that make you weep on the inside, for the sheer fact that such beauty exists... this Band is mine. More so THIS album is mine. Lightning At The Door is the perfect show case of stoner-rock infused with heavy folk rhythms and haunting vocals. It's the trifector of awesomeness.
All Them Witches have an impressive sound. It can be mellow and dream-like, then like a thunderous roar it comes to life with wild, southern influenced, droning guitars, and thick ballsy tones. Lightning At the Door is like a rolling storm that takes on many shapes and forms, releasing tunes that are simply top their respected field.

#1.
Chronicles by New Keepers Of The Water Towers.
Stand Out Tracks: Flight Of The Reptilians, The Three Headed Cow.

Firstly, I am a huge Mastodon fan. Blood Mountain is one of my all time favourite album. I loved how just sheerly complex and different it was from any other metal album I had heard.
This album, to my absolute delight, is almost like Blood Mountain from a parallel dimension where Mastodon didn't write it. It has that same unique epic madness about it, except... different. The sound is just as heavy and glorious, but different. The vocals just as guttural and booming, but different.
It is almost like Chronicles is Blood Mountain's little brother.
The sound is simply fantastic. Dirty and fuzzy but still tight and unrelenting. Sludge metal at its finest. The band by no means have dull track titles either, with every number being hilariously unusual. The Three Headed Cow, The Strafing Lobster, The Knowledgeable Kangeroo. Are just a few of it's brilliance.
This Album truly shines in it's thick, chunky, yet catchy riffs.



So that's it. My top picks!

Feel free to list yours in the comments, and by all means give these puppies a whirl!

Alex, out!

A Mind Wide Open.

   Being of a creative mind, or someone with a grand imagination, can be simply marvellous at times. You get to watch with your own eyes as something you created, you thought up, becomes a reality. You get to see something from deep inside your mind take form and a life of its own as you work away at it, whatever the medium may be. And if it goes well, you reap the rewards. You gain acclaim from your peers. It can be a beautiful thing indeed.

  However, it is certainly not without its flaws.

  I often hear people say "how do some people come up with stuff like that?"  or "Wow, I wish I had an imagination like yours" or even "Man, I wish I could see what's going on in your head." And I know it is usually meant as a compliment, and for the most part that's how I take it. With a laugh and a smile.
   But I don't think people really understand what's going on in the ol 'inside'. I doubt some could even fathom what kind of a burden having an 'over-active' imagination can be like.

   So, at this early hour of the morning, as I lie here listening to the rain patter rhythmically down on the roof, I have come to the decision to share with you, a glimpse into the process and inner workings of my mind, so that you may better understand myself and the creative ones out there to whom you address such fascinated remarks.

   Now. this is going to sound pretentious. It may sound like insanity. It may be not what you want to hear. But I just feel it's time to shed some light on the subject for some.
 
   For those who know me, probably think of me as a nice guy, sense of humour, always up for some fun, creative, random, can have a short fuse if pushed, can sometimes be a dick, but for the most part means well and wants to help out where possible.

  But to really know what's going on inside me, I feel I shall have to paint you a metaphorical picture (Although knowing me, I'll most likely paint an actual one too).

So. Picture this if you will...



.....Inside me are two seas. Monstrous and tumescent, which constantly crash and collide with one another, forever pushing and pulling with sharp waves that  hook themselves deep into the very fabric of my being.
   The storm is endless and constant. Loud and beautiful, but destructive. Emotions are swarms of colours which swell and fall depending on which sea is being fed on that day. And trust me, each side is fed sporadically from day to day.
   'How are they fed' you ask?
   From that place you wish to visit of course. My head. The mind.

    It's a mind that rarely rests. That rarely sleeps. That s constantly churning, like a cog that is addicted to turning other cogs.
   On a good day, the chaos can be focused and divided into maybe several tasks which can filtered into the sea and translated out into the world via pen, or brush, or typed out onto screen.
   On a bad day, my mind is its own hell.
   Picture as many thoughts and ideas as you can, all still raw and un-sculptured, all being pushed out at once through a filter too small to fit even half. And once they do filter through, you lose them to the clutches of the seas which both writhe up, ripping and tearing at them, trying to claim them for their own.
   There is no order. Ideas at this stage are like trying to do a puzzle of words, where none of the pieces fit and all of the letters are upside down and the words themselves, backwards. Where the sizes of the pieces are wrong and the colours are various shades which don't match. And after you collect all these pieces together , you somehow have to arrange them. You have to find some design that will fit them coherently. Something that will make sense for everyone else.
   On a really, really bad day, there is nothing.
   The cogs are stiff, un-churning. The seas dead, unwavering. Inside simply becomes chokingly thick, and just like quicksand, the more you struggle in it the more it drags you down. On days like that there is no emotion. Simply because there are no emotions. On days like that, you are simply a walking husk.

   For the most part however, the seas rage but the creativity flows strong. Anyone with a wild imagination who has made it this far, knows how to feed their oceans. Knows when to give a little, and when to take a little.
  But the unpredictability of the seas are just that. Unpredictable. Which is where the internal emotional struggle comes into it.
 
   "How can someone even think of that idea, or come up with it?"
   Short answer; Because we have to. Because I have to.

   When I'm writing a story I can't just create a character who's un-flawed and who will have an enemy or rival on a plate who is simply 'bad' just because. I doesn't work that way.
   When I create anything, be it characters or paintings, drawings, I do so with the consideration of the emotions of the subject. I don't just make a hero, a hero. I have to work out why he or she is the hero. I have to dissect what makes them tick, what qualities they posses. What do they love, what do they hate. What brought them to their chosen path. What pains them, and what is it that they absolutely fear.
   And then I have to live them. I have to get inside their head, and experience it through their eyes.  Otherwise I can't make the character grow,

   But just as there are two sides to a coin, there are also two seas at play, and every perspective must be seen from it's opposite.
  When a particularly disturbing part happens in a movie or story, perhaps its a torture scene, or a brutal murder, I hear people say "That's sick, I makes me wonder how people come up with that."
  Well I hate to say it people, but that's the other side of the coin.

   This is probably the part most people don't want to hear. The part that people happily over look. It's sort of like the ignorance that comes with eating a cheeseburger. You know at some point an animal was killed to make it, but you push that thought aside in light of enjoyment. Well this is the same.
   All those villainous characters we love to loathe, all those bad guys who drive the heroes story forward, and the evil that keeps us suspended in fear, scared that the hero won't be able to save us. All that has to be created by someone.
   In order to make a villain, I have to go through the same process as creating a hero. Yes, it can be dark, and sometimes grotesque, but in order to control the creature I am building, I need to know the character through their eyes. No matter how twisted or painful it may seem.

   The truth is, we all have those dark places residing in us. As humans, who are all creative in some aspect or form, we have that inherent in our very make up. It's just how we use it.
   I've learnt to tread carefully, never to go too deep, and I think that's the thing. I know my mind. I know it's limits and when to stop. I set a line which, heavens forbid, I will never cross.
   To me it's the dark basement of my creativity, just another tool to use. And occasionally I stand in its vortex and take in the ideas it has to offer.  The dark being no more sinister than ones own shadow.

   As someone with all these things coiling around in my brain, it can be hard to keep a balance, make no mistake. And that, I believe is where feelings come into play.
   One of the biggest day to day struggles is simply trying to make sure that the particular 'feelings' you have been using in a character or work don't take over and come out on the outside.
   I can tell you now, it can be harder than it sounds.

   Try and imagine that you have been working on an emotional, intense piece. Something truly sad that stirs your very soul. And you are right in the heart of it, letting the feelings and emotions roll over you. Then imagine someone walks into the room and tells a joke. They stand there excepting you to laugh. So you must put aside everything you have just felt. Every emotion you just created which has been flowing through you, every torment for the character that technically doesn't exist. All of it must be shoved out of mind, stowed away, and you must laugh.  Not only that, you have to do it convincingly.
   And it can be a hell of a task to do with a mind that is constantly running a million ideas a second.

  This is why, if a creative person seems like they aren't feeling what you are feeling, it's not because they don't share that emotion. It's because they are feeling everything.
   And we do it strongly.
   I for one become rather attached to feeling particular ways about things. That's why I have this strange sadness when I have to throw away a broken pen, buy a new phone, or toss a worn pair of shoes. It seems stupid, and perhaps it is, but at some point I created a bond, a common purpose for it's being, and I feel its pain when I have to let it go.
   And it is much worse with people who can actually reciprocate said feelings.
   This may be why imaginative and creative people can be such hard work. Sometimes it may seem they feel too much to the wrong thing, or feel too little where it is suppose to count. But just remember they are competing with a turmoil of feelings which they must constantly keep in check, and separate from one another.

   That said, when we or I find something that is truly worth focusing on, then they become everything. There is a determination and drive that stems from it. It's awe-inspiring. It can, if even for just a series of moments, be clarity. Something most creative people struggle with.
   I am overwhelmingly lucky to have a handful of people in my life who invoke this sensation in me. People who make me know I can be a better person, who make me strive to rise to my potential, who part the seas of nonsense, who quell the waves and lull the swarms of emotion. They are the people who make it all clear which puzzle piece goes where.
  And I love those people. With everything I have. With all that I have. With all that I am, every fibre of my being.
  That's a feeling you can't buy. Only created. Crafted over time.
  I owe them everything and more. Truth be told, I do it all for them. otherwise everything just comes out slightly incomplete.
   Whatever my master piece in this life may be, my master stroke is of their doing.


   So.
   Every time someone asks me "oh, if only I could spend a day in your head." I always think, 'No.'
Because I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. The things I imagine, the horrors I conjure, the illusions I create, all the extravagant scenarios I playout, every one is so incredibly vivid, and real, that I fear if anyone should wander into my mind, they would get lost/go insane/never want to leave.
   This is why I create art. This is why I do what I do. I show you bits and pieces, give you taste testers.
   Why?
   Because I don't think anybody could digest the main course.


   Inside I am a whirling ball of chaos. A swirling typhoon of creative energy. I am pain, love, hate, ambition, desire. I am everything and I am nothing.
  And you know what?...


   ...I love it.




   Well, there you go. An insight into the mind of one Alex Phillip Pickard.
    I hoped you liked the tour.

How NOT to piss off a bartender. 12 Helpful tips.

So as my time as a bartender has come to a close (for now) I thought it would be nice to share a few helpful sprouts of knowledge I've picked up on the job, especially for everyone who has never done the job.

As you may be aware, bartenders are people who teeter on the edge of being human and sub human. At times they are deserving of a 'demi-god-like' status, and other times closer to 'the walking dead'. When they are having a good night, then they are on fire. When they are having a bad night, they wish the were on fire. Literally.
Much of this has to do with you, the customer. A bad customer can ruin a bartenders night and force them into a downward spiral, while a good one can lighten the mood for the entire bar staff.

So here are a few tips to keep on a bartenders good side.

1. Never, ever....EVER click your fingers, or stick your arm out at a barman for their attention....EVER!!

This really should go without saying. The barman knows you are there, he can see you waiting impatiently, and when they are ready and finished serving the customers who were there before you, they will get to you. Clicking your fingers and waving wildly at the bartender will actually make your wait LONGER. It is a sure fire way to get your pleas ignored. I seriously doubt in the long history of everything, than any one has ever appreciated anyone clicking at them for attention. With the exception of cicadas. SO DON'T DO IT! Unless you really want to wait twice as long.

2. Don't complain about the wait, then stand there making up your mind when it is your turn!

Bartenders work more efficiently if they are not being abruptly halted by indecisive customers while the bar is four deep. All too many times I have had a customer stand, humming and harring over a decision they should have made in the time they were waiting to be served. What's worse is when they complain about the wait, yet draw a blank when you actually ask them what they want. WHAT WERE YOU DOING FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES WHILE YOU WERE IN LINE!?? JUST ENJOYING THE SHINY BAR LIGHTS?? A customer who knows what they want, or better yet, even know what they want as a back up drink, will always play in a bartenders good books.

3. No, you can't pour your own drink/ drink out of the tap!

It is a stupid question, and yes I have been asked it on multiple occasions. There are legal reasons, safety reasons, and most importantly, a customer strolling about behind the bar or shoving their face under the tap looks bad. Very very bad. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I went into your cash draw at your work and started hurling money around like Scrooge McDuck.

4. Yelling in the bartenders ear doesn't help. But talking like a shy garden gnome doesn't work either!

Bars in general are rowdy places. Especially when they are busy, and even more so when there is live music. Try to use an appropriate volume level for the current environment. If there is a DJ with a heavy bass amp, don't talk in a pitch slightly above a whisper. And visa versa, if its chilled out enough to talk at normal volume, don't pretend you are shouting your order through a mega phone. Most bartenders can lip read fairly well, or can at least roughly decipher common orders.

5. Don't be vague. Bartenders are NOT psychic!

A little detail goes a long way. "I'll have a Galliano please." ....Ok. Galliano annnnd? ...What? ....Just as a shot? With coke? Lemonade?? A sacrificial goat!?? WHAT!!?  FOR GOD'S SAKE, GIVE ME SOMETHING!!!??
Most bartenders have a good idea what goes well with what, but if you are not specific then don't give us a scorn that could peel paint when we suggest a mixer.

6. Pick and choose your cocktail battles.

It's all very well to go to a bar to order cocktails. The majority of bars do them. But it is important to realise WHERE you are ordering them. If you go into a Guinness bar and order a Mojito, then be prepared to be disappointed if it doesn't look like the ones you saw on Jersey Shore. While some bars do specialise in cocktails, a lot of bars aren't as proficient in doing them.
It is also important to pick the time you order them wisely. For instance, if there is one person on bar, and they are already looking pretty busy with quite a few customers, then stopping them serving for the next 10-15 mins while they fluff around trying to make whatever it was you couldn't even pronounce, chances are they are not going to be too happy about it.

7. "I can't taste the vodka."

Congratulations. You can't taste the flavourless spirit mixed with the copious amounts of fizzy drink? Oh. I can't taste my heart either, but trust me, its in there.

 8. Can't believe the barman has never heard of that drink!? ...then don't push it.

Most barmen aren't walking encyclopaedia's of drinks. (It is wise to point out though, that some certainly are). If you ask for a drink and the barman doesn't know of it, then explain what's in it or how to make it. Most will be happy to give it a shot, as many drinks have different names depending on where you get them. DON'T just say "oh I had a Flaming Weasel at the Red Door last night, but I don't know what's in it. Can you make me one?" Chances are, if they haven't heard of it, and you don't know how to make it, then you won't be getting one. More to the point, don't press the matter either. It is no use describing what shade of red it was or what the garnish was like, if you have no idea what the ingredients are. Shut up and move on.

9. Don't ask for seven shots when your buddy can barely hold you up.

Astonishingly, most people forget that bartenders are essentially sober the whole time they are serving. They can see when you can barely keep your eyes open. They can hear you slurring your words. And yes, they did just watch you walk into that table. So don't be surprised when a bartender say enough is enough. Part of the job is keeping a sneaky watchful eye on the rowdy, hypo, sleepy, tipsy customers who fill the bar. As a collective, the bar staff know what's going down.

10. "But I've been waiting for aaaages." Oh have you? Cool, then you can wait for a bit longer.

Nothing pisses off a bartender more than the winy voice of a customer who hasn't the patience to wait their turn like everyone else. Little tip. For the most part bartenders KNOW who they are serving next, or who has been waiting longest. Regardless, complaining happens regularly, which only further fuels a bartenders hatred, resulting in either a) customer being told to shut up and wait thier turn. or b) customer is ignored for the rest of the evening. If the bar is packed, don't be that guy/girl. It won't end well. Trust me.

11. Just because a bartender looks at you, doesn't mean you are next.

One of the most dangerous thing to do as a bartender, is accidentally make eye contact when looking up along the bar. There is nearly always somebody who will take it as their cue to start spouting off their order like a mother with a grocery list. So take it as such. If the bartender is still in the process of making someone else's drinks, then they can't very well jump to the end of the bar and start doing yours too. Bartenders are superhero's, not Gods.

12. Closing time means Closing time.

If you ever work at a bar, there is one phrase that I 100% guarantee you will hear on a regular basis. "Oh come on, just one more!" What people don't realise is that by the time you have the asked the bartender this, they have already heard it half a dozen times. When the bar is closed, it is closed. Believe it or not, bartenders do require rest too. Not much, sure... but still!
Avoid the denial and cheap pleas, just accept that when a barman tells you the bar is closed, that it is in fact, closed.


So there you go folks. A few handy tips to stay out of the bartenders dog box. And remember, even in a country such as good ol New Zealand where tips aren't necessary, they are ALWAYS appreciated.

Cheers to drinking!
Alex