Hi, I'm Alex Pickard, Horoscope extraordinaire and three times 'oracle of year' winner (unopposed), here with your Horoscopes for this week coming.
Each reading is highly accurate and should be taken both literally, figuratively, and metaphorically.
Aries: You'll misplace your soul this week, which could be the cause of many misinterpreted situations. You will most likely be as emotional as a blank sheet of paper, and may lack much needed empathy towards many of your counter parts. This can result in a number of awkward situations throughout the week.
On the upside, it's Poker night this Tuesday.
Taurus: Bees. Bees everywhere. No matter what you do this week, bees will carry out individual and personal vendettas against you. Probably not a good idea to go down to the ol botanical gardens... or into your garden.... or outside... or any places where bees can get to you.
On the upside, you'll save up to 60% on all honey and wax related goods for the week!
Gemini: You will have trouble with clothes this week. Menacing trouble. The trouble that makes one wonder if clothes are actually sentient? Don't be surprised if your jersey tries to trap you inside its cozy woolen deeps, or if your singlet tries to throttle you in your sleep. Best idea is just not to wear any this week.
On the upside, the weathers suppose to be in the high 10's!
Cancer: You are too attractive this week which causes complete chaos in the streets. Un-checked mayhem erupts in your city as every passer by looks on in utter awe, followed by going completely mad at the prospect that they potentially will never ever look as good as you do in that moment.
On the upside, two for one ribs at Lone Star. Bring your friends!
Leo: You'll enter a rather trance-like zombie state this week (minus the brain and flesh eating), where you'll go to work and do your job without really realising you are doing it. Menial tasks at home will be completed with the same strange state, and throughout the week you may come to lose several days worth of memory. This should end around the weekend, but until then you may look into the mirror and wonder deep philosophical meanings about your work life and your existence in it.
On the upside, the work days should just fly by.
Virgo: You won't be able to put the book you are currently reading down this week! ....Literally. An old gypsy curse was cast on the cover which makes the book cling to its readers hand until they have finished it, recommend it to three friends, and reviewed it on a public forum.
On the upside, you're lucky it's not the extended addition.
Libra: High chance of falling victim to product placement this week. To avoid this, place all credit cards in the freezer, and avoid every and all forms of advertising.
On the up side all your dreams can come true and more, for the low one off price of $799!
Scorpio: High chance of sleeping this week. Probably most nights when it gets dark, and usually till it gets light again. During your state of unconsciousness your brain will encounter all kinds of imaginary things, and upon your wake you will feel refreshed and vitalized. All your friends will envy you of this and so you must be prepared to be shunned from most of your loved ones and colleagues this week.
On the upside, you'll be unconscious for a good proportion of the week, so others opinions wont matter.
Time Lord: Your TARDIS may turn green this week. Not to worry as it is temporary, however the planet you will be on when it turns said colour, find green highly offensive.
On the upside, you'll be home in time for tea.
Sagittarius: A trip to the zoo could cause real issues in time management this week, as being heart warmed by the new red panda exhibit is an real and present threat. One trip to see them, more than likely, will end up in two trips. Two will end in three, and why would any sane person end their zoo visiting spree on an odd number, so a fourth visit would be more than likely. Your workplace may be justifiably upset, but I'm sure if you bring them back red panda soft toys they'll understand.
On the upside, you'll miss the work fire drill that turned into a real fire.
Capricorn: You'll lose a foot race to a four year old, every day, for the whole week. It'll be humiliating.
On the upside, the pub is open late..
Aquarius: Very very very very very likely to be eaten by radioactive ants. It's one of those things that you don't think is ever going to happen, until it does. So my recommendation is to stay away from any places where ants can get to you. Shouldn't be hard. But also perhaps stay away from Taurus this week too.
On the upside, possible super powers.
Pisces: Romance is in the air, and while you won't take a part in any of it, the built up fury you will receive from being subjected to peoples public displays of affection will ultimately fuel your long dormant fire for world domination. Becoming a super villain is a hard thing to accomplish in a week, but your disdain love heart cookies and the word 'snookiums' should be able to give you the drive you'll need.
On the upside, your black bed sheet will make an excellent Villain cape.
Well there we have it folks. Hope they all work out nicely. Any complaints can be made, but just not to me.
Thank you.
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