So as many of you have realised now, Christmas is upon us. But not many of you know what you have in store for yourselves...
Thankfully I do. As a ''verified'' psychic (I put 'verified' in " marks because I am not actually verified, twas a lie to sound more professional. And now I am telling you about this lie to help make you believe I am an honest and truthful being, and my prediction are worth listening to....And by telling you ^ that, I have put your mind into a deep spin of confusion, riddled with questions about am I actually a nice guy telling the truth? Or an evil mastermind pretending to 'pretend' to be nice in order to get you into a state of mind where anything I say or write is pure genius?.....) , and I thought I better put my skilful set of....er...skills...into motion to better prepare you for your festive day of gorging yourself on Christmas laced food, and being all merry and stuff.
Anyway, so as always these are highly accurate and precise predictions. And questions or queries can be said aloud from home, and if I hear them I may answer back, if not...better luck next time.
ARIES: For once Christmas isn't so much of a rush. You've got your shopping all done, made plans for Christmas day, and even have made the egg nog a couple days ahead of schedule Beware though... Being in such a relaxed state can cause a severe lack in cognitive response. Things like accidentally pouring too much rum into the egg nog can be forgiven, but pouring in soy sauce could prove lethal. As we all know, soy sauce and egg nog is how monsters are made. Terrifying beasts with an intense lust for anything Christmas! Your family might come home from carolling only to find you chowing down on lengths of tinsel and dipping tree decorations in the cups of fake snow you have been knocking back for about the last hour. A sight like that will haunt all who see it for years to come.
So be cautious. Relaxing too much this Christmas may prove extremely unpleasant.
GEMINI: Wrapping presents can often be a mission in its self, however this year a warning must be given. A rogue roll of Christmas wrapping paper has been on the loose terrorizing Gemini everywhere.They have well planned and precise attacks involving paper cuts and will do anything to wrap you up. So keep your eyes open. Descriptions of this vicious foe are as follows; Green and red wrapping paper with Christmas images on them.
LEO: You may no longer believe in the jolly ol fellow any more, but on Christmas Eve you will have an experience that will confirm that there is actually such thing as Christmas Magic. Walking home from somewhere, be it the pub, the mall, or a friends house, you shall encounter a Christmas witch who will ask you three Christmas related questions. If you get these wrong she will most likely turn you into a toad...or an acorn... or if you do super badly, both.
May be time to brush up on thee ol Christmas knowledge, and be wary of brightly lit alley ways where these witches like to lurk. To be honest, they are not terribly hard to spot, and they get distracted by basically anything Christmas, so out running them is a synch.
VIRGO: The best thing about Christmas are the presents right? Wrong! ...So that means the best thing about Christmas is the gathering of friends and family right?....Wrong Again!...Well at least for Virgos.
This year there is a 75.92% chance that your friends and family will get you a wild Bengal tiger, then force you to fight it in a gladiator-like arena while they all cheer on and be merry.
On the bright side though, after the first 15mins of fighting they will give you a water pistol to fight the mighty jungle beast off with, AND every 10mins you survive, they will fill it up too! So, you know, not all bad.
LIBRA: You maybe be either knitting, or having a holiday sweater made for a friend or family this year, however I strongly advise against it as holiday sweater attacks have risen greatly this year. Holiday sweaters lie in wait until they are put on by the receiver, then when nobody is looking, the sweater cozy's them to death! The victims are usually found twisted in a state of extreme comfortability, usually on a couch, chair or even rug.
To avoid such tragedies, a simple pull chord that enables the whole sweater to be unravelled with one swift pull, should be installed.
SCORPIO: Candy canes are sweet, delicious and cute to look at, but I do not recommend them as a stable diet. You may find yourself addicted to these curved little bundles of Christmas joy this year, but it is important to know your boundaries with them. For instance a few over the course of the day = Ok. A few over the course of the last 15mins = Not good. Candy cane to water ratio should always be kept in the back of ones mind. If you are eating more candy canes than drinking water, you may be in trouble. Without water in your system to slow the candy canes metabolism, there is a 1.9% chance you may actually turn into one. So remember to keep those treats in check.
SAGITTARIUS: Your partner is going to get you something you have always wanted this Christmas, but it is vitally important you keep your composure. Getting too excited and showing too much emotion can be lethal this time of year. You will need to exert the precise amount of joy, while carefully containing the rest. Letting too much go at one time can end in you quite literally exploding. It happens alot to Sagittarius this time of year so caution is advised. However if you do explode into bits, then your partner should take it as compliment to his or her gift giving.
CAPRICORN: An attraction to shiny objects is at an all time high for you this time of year, and it is important to remain focused otherwise the potential for slipping into a 'gazing coma' is very high. Essentially it comes about from prolonged exposure to Christmas lights, shiny tree decorations, tinsel and/or clean cutlery and crystal ware. Symptoms are basically just staring at a shiny object for hours (sometimes days) on end, with an uncomfortably happy/creepy smile.
Sunglasses are a good idea, and try not to look directly at anything shiny or sparkly.
AQUARIUS: Upon waking Christmas morning, you will find that everyone in your house has gone. You have been left all alone simply because you slept in, and thus missed the taxi van that came to pick up your family (and extended family who have all been staying) where they were whisked away to holiday in Florida. They won't realise until it is too late, so it will be down to you to hold down the house from burglars, two in particular known as the wet bandits. They will attempt to get into your house, which is where you will have to muster all the cunning you posses to create elaborate booby traps and amazing escape routes.
Remember, this is it. Don't get scared now.
PISCES: There is always that one person you have to do a quick last moment shop for around the holiday season. Desperate to find anything remotely worth while, you may have to do some serious scrounging. Toads and Acorns seem to be plentiful around the place, however the ultimate present will come in the form of a good deed. If an old woman needs help crossing the road, tie her to a dog. If a small child is lost in a crowd, give it a fluro vest. If a homeless guy asks for a couple dollars, just buy him the bottle of whisky. If car has broken down, stop and ask if they need help, and if they do then reassure them that there are plenty of people out there who can help, and as you drive away you will be illuminated with a feeling of the true Christmas spirit.
You may not find the perfect gift, but bread is cheap, and everyone loves toast.
So there you go ladies and Gentlemen. Your Christmas horoscopes. Heade thy warnings, but remember to make the most of the Merry season.
Ciao
Sincerely
Alexander Phillip Pickard, Christmas bringer, and occasional merry drunk guy on the ground.
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
World wide Apocalypse/Merry Christmas.
So! I have been talking to a little birdie and he has told me the end of the world may very well be upon us. Now, by the sounds of things, I am pretty sure everyone in the world has been talking to the same damn bird, because everyone seems to be up in arms about this damn apocalypse business.
And fair enough too really. Impending doom is always a bit of a imposing factor on ones life, and tends to ruin a lot of peoples future plans. I, for one, was looking forward to going on a date with Mila Kunis and Yvonne Strahovski, but given the time period in which we supposedly have left, it sadly seems rather unlikely.
Christmas is just around the corner too (in case no ones noticed that either), and I can imagine many will be disappointed that they went to all that trouble of finding just the right pair of shoes, or the perfect sentimental piece of jewellery, or the right colour stuffed Elephant, only to have it melted into nothing but a smouldering pile of goo by a raging volcano erupting from where the Christmas tree had been.
Actually thinking about it now, I probably should have taken all my saving out and spent it on survival gear for presents instead of.....Well I'm not going to say. End of world or no end of world, I'm not giving away what I've got whom!
Mind you, if it was an absolute fact that the world was going to come to its end, then I think I probably would just blow my savings on something cool and totally useless. Like....a talking mouse or something.
Mind you, if it was an absolute fact that the world was going to come to its end, then I think I probably would just blow my savings on something cool and totally useless. Like....a talking mouse or something.
Anyway, I don't think people should be getting too down about all this Armageddon talk. The ol earth has survived a plentiful array of beatings and bashing, and she's always come out alright! ...Yes, the dominant species of the time haven't, but still!
We had a good run didn't we? As a human race, we've seen and done some interesting things. Not all good admittedly, but not all bad either. Like, there have been copious amounts of terrible wars resulting in million upon millions of deaths. But on the other hand , there was Led Zeppelin. So you see, it kind of all works out.
We had a good run didn't we? As a human race, we've seen and done some interesting things. Not all good admittedly, but not all bad either. Like, there have been copious amounts of terrible wars resulting in million upon millions of deaths. But on the other hand , there was Led Zeppelin. So you see, it kind of all works out.
Anyway, here's wishing you a Merry Christmas or a Happy survival day, or a fantastic end of the world.
Take care.
Alex Pickard.
The God of all egos.
The God of all egos.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Monday, 29 October 2012
Horror-Scopes for the masses.
Well that time is upon us again. Halloween. A time for kids to get dressed up like murderous psychopaths and taunt neighbours until sweets are dispersed. Ahhh, good times.
Anyway my last set of horoscopes seemed to be a rather popular thing, and I had quite a few people remark how bizarrely accurate they were...I did warn you.
So today I am pleased to announce that I will be bringing forth my mystic powers once more, on this thy Hallows eve, to give a special Halloween prediction for you all.
Brace yourselves, this is were things get......um.................aw god-dammit! I had something epically good and wise!....*sigh*... never mind, just read on.
This weeks Horror-scope! Brought to you by the amazing, amazing man!
ARIES: If you have never seen 'The Wolfman' then I strongly recommend seeing it. Either version will do. This will probably be a good estimate of what your life will be like if you go strolling around at night during Halloween. If you seen any growling people hunched over in the shadows, do not play the good Samaritan and see if he/she is ok. Just keep walking and try not to sound like a walking meal.
If you do get bitten then always remember to comb your face and brush your fangs. Gingivitis and general untidiness is still frowned upon in the werewolf community too.
Lucky Word: Fleas.
Lucky Song: Bark at the moon - Ozzy Osbourne.
TAURUS: Remember to water your pot plants if you have been neglecting them lately, as Halloween is a dangerous time to have angry, thirsty plant life in your house. Making friends with them, feeding them and apologising for lack of attention, is a good way to earn back their trust. Otherwise you may run the risk of a total hostile plant take over. Think Little shop of horrors, except times ten.
Lucky Word: Gatorade.
Lucky Song: Sunshine - Alice in Chains.
GEMINI: A fishing trip around this time of week may seem like a good idea, but could however prove deadly. Hundreds and thousands of savage Raging Salmon (an exotic and rare breed of Salmon) will rise up and attack fishermen all over the world. If you get caught in a pool of these beasties, they will devour you in just under 5-7 hours. Chance of survival is only 97%, which is a statistic that can strike fear into even the bravest fishermen. My best advice is to dress as a grizzly bear while fishing, as bears have been salmons mortal enemies for centuries. Also by dressing as a Grizzly Bear your fishing will go up by 25 skill points.
Lucky Word: Fuzzy-Wuzzy
Lucky Song: Friendship -Tenacious D
CANCER: You will have to fight off a giant gummy bear that has grown to a monstrous size from sitting in a pool of spilled coke and V mixed together. The catalyst has resulted in the terror of a delicious sugar treat which wants nothing more than destruction! You and only you will have the power to bring down such a formidable foe. So stock up on large hacking weapons, and always remember to sweep the leg.
The worlds survival may very well count on you this Halloween.
Lucky Word: Chainsaw.
Lucky Song: Where strides the Behemoth - Mastodon.
CENTIPEDE: You may feel run off your feet but just be wary of strangers who attempt to offer you a relaxing sit down in the back of their van with some free candy.
Lucky Word: Stranger-Danger.
Lucky Song: Night Prowler- AC/DC.
LEO: If you see a small cute dog, with or without a bow or bow tie, for gods sake do not touch it! Don't pat it, don't woo at it, don't even smile at it. It will be a hell hound dressed cunningly in disguise as a adorable tiny dog. Every inkling to turn to jelly at the sight of its cute cuddly exterior should be fought with up most self control. If it lets out a tiny high pitched yap, cocks its little head to the side and smiles, and as a result turn you into a blubbering mess, you will either need to collect yourself immediately or be prepare to have your soul consumed.
This happens to Leo's every Halloween, so just once, please please ignore the most adorable thing you've ever seen.
Lucky Word: Control.
Lucky Song: Hell hound on my trail - Robert Johnson.
VIRGO: Any of you who have been doing genetic experiments to breed pure Unicorns, will have an unfortunate turn of events around Thursday. This can easily be avoided by simply remembering to not leave the door to the lab open, otherwise a mouse will sneak into the gene splicing machine and cause a beast like no other to emerge and wreak havoc all over town. With the speed and strength of a horse, and the nimbleness and lust for cheese of a small mouse, this monstrosity will set out to devour the entire towns stock of dairy products. There is a reason why these two animals aren't allowed to interbreed.
So perhaps be a little more safety concious this week.
Lucky Word: Custard.
Lucky Song: Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden.
LIBRA: If you have been humming and harr-ing over buying a new house, now is NOT the time. Every empty 'For Sale' house around on Halloween becomes notoriously haunted by the vengeful spirits of Rats and dust mites long past. They can manifest in various ways and can sometimes cause toasters stay down for a full 20 seconds longer, thus burning the toast and ruining breakfast for all. Some dust mite ghosts have reportedly tickled peoples noses while they sleep. Trust me Libra, you do not want this terrifying experience to happen to you.
Lucky Word: Ah-choo!
Lucky Song: House of the rising sun - The Animals.
SCORPIO: If you have never watched a zombie film/show or played a zombie game, or even have no idea how to kill a zombie, then you may very well be stuffed. Come Halloween night, any Scorpio's walking through dark mysterious cemeteries may be greeted with tones and moans of the undead. Supposedly Scorpio brains are a delicacy for zombies on the darkest night of the year, and walking into a graveyard on Halloween is like a antelope walking into an all you can eat buffet full of Lions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the short cut through the Cemetery.
Lucky Word: Shotgun.
Lucky Song: Reise, Reise - Rammstein.
SAGITTARIUS: Halloween has traditionally been a time to eat candy, however for all you Sagittarius out there, this may prove a lethal move. Deep within your DNA lies the potential to turn into something that resembles that little girl on Charlie and the chocolate factory who eats that lolly and blows up like a giant plum, or even like Slimer from Ghost Busters. If, and only if, you eat precisely 27 pieces of candy (This excludes sugar-free candy, or 'healthy' candy which, just between you and me. is just made from remnants of old tires and refrigerator lining).
So be a good boy or girl, and don't dive straight into the treats as soon as they are open.
Lucky Word: Combustion.
Lucky Song: Brown Sugar - ZZ Top.
CAPRICORN: It might pay to be very wary of huge swarms of locus tomorrow. In fact, going outside tomorrow should probably be a no go. Due to the heat and the time of year, they are driven into bloodthirsty frenzies toward Capricorn everywhere. It is still unsure why, but many believe its because goats and bugs have been adversaries for many years. My advise would be get a lot of bug spray and matches.
Lucky Word: Raid.
Lucky Song: Locust - Machine Head
AQUARIUS: If you have ever wondered what was really under your bed, Halloween is not the time to find out. Dribbling furiously under there is a true mongoloid of a creature. Red teeth, and huge black eyes that sink deep into its oblong shaped skull. Its large round nose can smell you sleeping atop of it, and this is why it drools. It has long thick arms and long bony fingers for snatching up people who go venturing into its domain. Tuffts of thick red hair sit around its neck in a matted mane. You may find bits of this on the carpet, and just think it is cat fur (despite not actually owning a cat), and that smell you so amateurly mistake as dirty socks, is simply his breath as he pants slowly, deeply, lying in wait.
That, or its that Elmo toy you left under your bed ages ago, and you've been looking for ever since.
Lucky Word: Hope.
Lucky Song: Superbeast - Rob Zombie.
PIECES: You are going to have a very interesting and polite conversation with an elderly man tomorrow somewhere, supermarket, bus stop, bar, wherever. He shall explain the whims and woes of the world to you, and may bring up some very interesting points about the modern lifestyles of the common people and the politics that are secretly ruining the very society they say they are protecting. You'll share a laugh, and a song will come on, and you'll both have a wee sing along, and he shall explain what the very essence of music is to you. And you shall turn away for a moment, and when you look back to where the smiling man had been standing, he will be gone. The conversation will stick with you for a while, his words still burning deep in your mind, but you will soon realise you have a roast to put in the oven, and it was getting late anyway.
Lucky Word: Inquisitive.
Lucky Song: Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones.
Well there you have it. True an accurate prophecies from a true and accurate man called Alex Pickard.
Anyway my last set of horoscopes seemed to be a rather popular thing, and I had quite a few people remark how bizarrely accurate they were...I did warn you.
So today I am pleased to announce that I will be bringing forth my mystic powers once more, on this thy Hallows eve, to give a special Halloween prediction for you all.
Brace yourselves, this is were things get......um.................aw god-dammit! I had something epically good and wise!....*sigh*... never mind, just read on.
This weeks Horror-scope! Brought to you by the amazing, amazing man!
ARIES: If you have never seen 'The Wolfman' then I strongly recommend seeing it. Either version will do. This will probably be a good estimate of what your life will be like if you go strolling around at night during Halloween. If you seen any growling people hunched over in the shadows, do not play the good Samaritan and see if he/she is ok. Just keep walking and try not to sound like a walking meal.
If you do get bitten then always remember to comb your face and brush your fangs. Gingivitis and general untidiness is still frowned upon in the werewolf community too.
Lucky Word: Fleas.
Lucky Song: Bark at the moon - Ozzy Osbourne.
TAURUS: Remember to water your pot plants if you have been neglecting them lately, as Halloween is a dangerous time to have angry, thirsty plant life in your house. Making friends with them, feeding them and apologising for lack of attention, is a good way to earn back their trust. Otherwise you may run the risk of a total hostile plant take over. Think Little shop of horrors, except times ten.
Lucky Word: Gatorade.
Lucky Song: Sunshine - Alice in Chains.
GEMINI: A fishing trip around this time of week may seem like a good idea, but could however prove deadly. Hundreds and thousands of savage Raging Salmon (an exotic and rare breed of Salmon) will rise up and attack fishermen all over the world. If you get caught in a pool of these beasties, they will devour you in just under 5-7 hours. Chance of survival is only 97%, which is a statistic that can strike fear into even the bravest fishermen. My best advice is to dress as a grizzly bear while fishing, as bears have been salmons mortal enemies for centuries. Also by dressing as a Grizzly Bear your fishing will go up by 25 skill points.
Lucky Word: Fuzzy-Wuzzy
Lucky Song: Friendship -Tenacious D
CANCER: You will have to fight off a giant gummy bear that has grown to a monstrous size from sitting in a pool of spilled coke and V mixed together. The catalyst has resulted in the terror of a delicious sugar treat which wants nothing more than destruction! You and only you will have the power to bring down such a formidable foe. So stock up on large hacking weapons, and always remember to sweep the leg.
The worlds survival may very well count on you this Halloween.
Lucky Word: Chainsaw.
Lucky Song: Where strides the Behemoth - Mastodon.
CENTIPEDE: You may feel run off your feet but just be wary of strangers who attempt to offer you a relaxing sit down in the back of their van with some free candy.
Lucky Word: Stranger-Danger.
Lucky Song: Night Prowler- AC/DC.
LEO: If you see a small cute dog, with or without a bow or bow tie, for gods sake do not touch it! Don't pat it, don't woo at it, don't even smile at it. It will be a hell hound dressed cunningly in disguise as a adorable tiny dog. Every inkling to turn to jelly at the sight of its cute cuddly exterior should be fought with up most self control. If it lets out a tiny high pitched yap, cocks its little head to the side and smiles, and as a result turn you into a blubbering mess, you will either need to collect yourself immediately or be prepare to have your soul consumed.
This happens to Leo's every Halloween, so just once, please please ignore the most adorable thing you've ever seen.
Lucky Word: Control.
Lucky Song: Hell hound on my trail - Robert Johnson.
VIRGO: Any of you who have been doing genetic experiments to breed pure Unicorns, will have an unfortunate turn of events around Thursday. This can easily be avoided by simply remembering to not leave the door to the lab open, otherwise a mouse will sneak into the gene splicing machine and cause a beast like no other to emerge and wreak havoc all over town. With the speed and strength of a horse, and the nimbleness and lust for cheese of a small mouse, this monstrosity will set out to devour the entire towns stock of dairy products. There is a reason why these two animals aren't allowed to interbreed.
So perhaps be a little more safety concious this week.
Lucky Word: Custard.
Lucky Song: Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden.
LIBRA: If you have been humming and harr-ing over buying a new house, now is NOT the time. Every empty 'For Sale' house around on Halloween becomes notoriously haunted by the vengeful spirits of Rats and dust mites long past. They can manifest in various ways and can sometimes cause toasters stay down for a full 20 seconds longer, thus burning the toast and ruining breakfast for all. Some dust mite ghosts have reportedly tickled peoples noses while they sleep. Trust me Libra, you do not want this terrifying experience to happen to you.
Lucky Word: Ah-choo!
Lucky Song: House of the rising sun - The Animals.
SCORPIO: If you have never watched a zombie film/show or played a zombie game, or even have no idea how to kill a zombie, then you may very well be stuffed. Come Halloween night, any Scorpio's walking through dark mysterious cemeteries may be greeted with tones and moans of the undead. Supposedly Scorpio brains are a delicacy for zombies on the darkest night of the year, and walking into a graveyard on Halloween is like a antelope walking into an all you can eat buffet full of Lions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the short cut through the Cemetery.
Lucky Word: Shotgun.
Lucky Song: Reise, Reise - Rammstein.
SAGITTARIUS: Halloween has traditionally been a time to eat candy, however for all you Sagittarius out there, this may prove a lethal move. Deep within your DNA lies the potential to turn into something that resembles that little girl on Charlie and the chocolate factory who eats that lolly and blows up like a giant plum, or even like Slimer from Ghost Busters. If, and only if, you eat precisely 27 pieces of candy (This excludes sugar-free candy, or 'healthy' candy which, just between you and me. is just made from remnants of old tires and refrigerator lining).
So be a good boy or girl, and don't dive straight into the treats as soon as they are open.
Lucky Word: Combustion.
Lucky Song: Brown Sugar - ZZ Top.
CAPRICORN: It might pay to be very wary of huge swarms of locus tomorrow. In fact, going outside tomorrow should probably be a no go. Due to the heat and the time of year, they are driven into bloodthirsty frenzies toward Capricorn everywhere. It is still unsure why, but many believe its because goats and bugs have been adversaries for many years. My advise would be get a lot of bug spray and matches.
Lucky Word: Raid.
Lucky Song: Locust - Machine Head
AQUARIUS: If you have ever wondered what was really under your bed, Halloween is not the time to find out. Dribbling furiously under there is a true mongoloid of a creature. Red teeth, and huge black eyes that sink deep into its oblong shaped skull. Its large round nose can smell you sleeping atop of it, and this is why it drools. It has long thick arms and long bony fingers for snatching up people who go venturing into its domain. Tuffts of thick red hair sit around its neck in a matted mane. You may find bits of this on the carpet, and just think it is cat fur (despite not actually owning a cat), and that smell you so amateurly mistake as dirty socks, is simply his breath as he pants slowly, deeply, lying in wait.
That, or its that Elmo toy you left under your bed ages ago, and you've been looking for ever since.
Lucky Word: Hope.
Lucky Song: Superbeast - Rob Zombie.
PIECES: You are going to have a very interesting and polite conversation with an elderly man tomorrow somewhere, supermarket, bus stop, bar, wherever. He shall explain the whims and woes of the world to you, and may bring up some very interesting points about the modern lifestyles of the common people and the politics that are secretly ruining the very society they say they are protecting. You'll share a laugh, and a song will come on, and you'll both have a wee sing along, and he shall explain what the very essence of music is to you. And you shall turn away for a moment, and when you look back to where the smiling man had been standing, he will be gone. The conversation will stick with you for a while, his words still burning deep in your mind, but you will soon realise you have a roast to put in the oven, and it was getting late anyway.
Lucky Word: Inquisitive.
Lucky Song: Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones.
Well there you have it. True an accurate prophecies from a true and accurate man called Alex Pickard.
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Story Time Part 1: Spartacus The Horse.
Well it's late at night and I thought to myself, what better time to tell a story than before bedtime!
So here we have it.
Spartacus The Horse.
Once upon a time there lived a horse named Spartacus. He was a fabulous black Stallion with a glorious mane made of 100% awesomeness. His hoofs were so tough, and legs so strong, that they made the earth tremble under him when he galloped. His flanks were so shiny and smooth that he was often mistaken as a really, really smooth, shiny thing.
He lived atop of a hill overlooking a little castle and village that sat near a huge lush green plain. Oh how he yearned everyday to go and run amongst the smooth grass, and graze at his leisure while chatting up the female horses that frolicked there.
However he belonged to a very mean hunchback named Gary, who wasn't one of those hunchbacks that you sort of feel sorry for because he may have been shunned from society or treated differently, no. Gary was just a general all around bastard. He once stole a saucer of milk from a thirsty kitten because the kitten was purring too loudly, and it was disrupting him from brooding about things. Now, Gary kept Spartacus locked up in a small barn and only ever took the beast out for horse shows down in the village. Of course he always won, so not only was he a prick, he was a rich prick. Which as we all know, is the worst kind. Everyday he would set about his daily chores of shooting the local sparrows with slingshots, sending prank carrier pigeons to people, and brushing his teeth (because even asshole's know there is no reason why one should forget about tooth decay and plaque build up). Then he would feed Spartacus some delicious fruit and some of the finest grass money could buy.
All and all Spartacus was not treated badly in any way, shape or form. He just thought his owner was a complete idiot was all.
One gorgeous summers evening, Gary had decided to throw a little shindig at his place on the hill. It was quite the mixer, with villagers from all over showing up and socializing together as a community. It was quite the evening of bonding and conversation, but mainly it was just to remind people that he had a lot of money.
One particular guest, a short bald fellow with a red and green parrot that kept asking for crackers and persimmons, had noticed the mighty horse Spartacus poking his head through a gap in the barn door.
'Is that your horse out there?' said the man to Gary.
'Yes' said Gary, 'handsome beast isn't he?'
'Yes, well I mean, I only saw his head' said the man.
'Oh, well he's got a body too' said Gary as he sipped on a glass of red rich stuff.
'Ah. Good... Er listen, do you mind if I take a look a him? I am quite the animal lover.'
Gary eyes slowly widened as his jaw dropped. 'No you may certainly not! That's sick! Find a person like everyone else!'
The man looked puzzled for a second till he clicked. 'No, no. Look I train animals down at the castle.'
'What. Like some kind of animal trainer?' asked Gary.
The man rolled his eyes, and the parrot asked for another persimmon.
'Yes. But I specialize in training animals to do extraordinary things. Magic things.'
This caught Gary's attention, as a million different plans and schemes suddenly rocketed through his tiny misshapen skull.
'What kind of magic things?
The man smiled. 'Almost anything. For instance, Terrance here,' he patted the parrots head softly ' he can explode on command.'
Terrance squawked loudly at a lady, who in turn screamed equally as loud and dropped her drink.
'What do you mean he can explode on command!?' said Gary quizzically.
The man leant in, looked either side and said in a low voice.
'Well, with one utter of a specific magic word, Terrance will explode into a massive ball of flames and carnage.'
There was a slight pause as the cogs slowly processed this in Gary's mind.
'Uhh ok. Can you show me then?'
The man leaned back and plucked a cherry from a nearby fruit bowl.
'Nope sorry. Its only a one time sort of thing. Once he goes boom, he is kaput.'
Gary scrunched his face up. 'Well why would anyone want a parrot that can only explode on command once? What possible use could anyone have for that!?'
The man finished chewing his cherry, popped another into his mouth and began to grin. 'Well, in certain situations it can pay to have an exploding parrot as leverage. For instance, if I wanted to take a beautiful stallion from someone, then a parrot like Terrance may come in handy.'
The man's grin turned into a similar sort of thing that a shark's does when somebody plump jumps into the water right next to it. The realisation of subtle hints to the soon-to-be robbery slowly seeped it's way down Gary's face. His mouth opened a little as he looked from the man, to the barn, and back to the man.
'...By beautiful stallion....you mean the horse right?'
The man dipped his head and let out a little whimper. 'Terrance, please stay with this man while I retrieve the horse.'
'Hold on, hold on! You can't just take my prize horse!' shouted Gary.
The man stopped short of walking over to the barn, and turned back to Gary.
'My dear fellow, if you don't co-operate then I will blow up this entire house, all the guests and most importantly you!'
Gary thought about this a moment. 'No you won't.'
'I will!'
'You won't.'
The man's face began to turn a mild shade of red. 'Dammit man I am not bluffing! I'll blow this whole place sky high!'
Gary looked at the parrot, who this time asked for some dice. 'I still don't believe this parrot can explode on command.'
It appeared that steam was beginning to pour from the man's ears. ' With one word that parrot will incinerate everyone in this room, and yet here you are still arguing with me!'
'Well what's the word then?' asked Gary
'What?'
'You said the with one word that he could explode. Well what word is it?'
If the man had hair, this would be the point where he would start ripping it out. 'I can't tell you the word, otherwise he would explode!'
Gary scratched his chin a second before replying with, 'Well if I don't know what word it is, then there is a good chance I may say it by accident.'
The man stepped forward and leaned over the hunchback. 'Then perhaps it would be better if you would shut! Up!'
By this point everyone at the party had tuned in to the yelling and had a rough idea what was going on. Spartacus could also hear the commotion from his wee barn, and tried pushing his head further through the gap to get a better view.
The man, now fuming, turned and began to make his way to the barn but was stopped yet again by the sound of Gary's annoyingly annoying voice.
'Well what if one of the guests say it?'
Turning around slowly and grinding his teeth as if they were a pestle and mortar, he strode back to the congregation of people. Letting out a loud breath, he put on a very false smile and addressed the guests.
'Ok. As the majority of you may have overheard, what we have here is a situation involving myself robbing this gentleman of his prized horse and holding him at bay with a parrot that explodes on command by uttering a magic word only I know. Now to prevent him from exploding prematurely, I would appreciate it if all of you keep your mouths shut, just in case one of you says it by accident.'
There was an overall silence amongst the crowd. But after a moment or two, one of them piped up. 'Well how do we know he's an exploding parrot?'
The man erupted like a firework of bright colours into the air, leaping about and shouting.
'Just fucking trust me!! This parrot will explode! He'll turn you all to dust! You will be obliterated beyond all recognition! Dust mites will have to use microscopes just to examine your remains!!'
Silence slipped over the room once again as the mad man stood there panting heavily. It was at that moment that Terrance asked for other persimmon.
Gary sighed. 'Look we don't have any persimmon's, just have a banana inste...'
And with that, the entire room lit up like the sun.
The force was really quite impressive, and it really did obliterate everything. The barn around Spartacus blew to bits, and those bits, into pieces of smaller bits. But thankfully, because of Spartacus' sure footing and strong powerful legs, he didn't move an inch. His mane of awesomeness whipped away dangerous shards and debris while his smooth glossy flanks deflected the fames right around him, leaving the mighty beast totally unharmed.
After the smoke had cleared, and dust had settled, Spartacus surveyed the area. It was very quiet. And lonely. It was then that he walked to the edge of the hill and glanced down at the other horse frolicking in the grassy plain. He started his usual day dream about going down there and playing with them, when suddenly it occurred to him that the ties that bonded him to this place were no longer tied.
Free of his master, Spartacus speedily descended upon the plain, and for the first time he felt alive.
THEND
Tune in next time where Spartacus kills a bunch of doom wolves with his pure awesomeness and proves himself among the herd of stunning female horse, of who he has plenty of fun with.
Thank you, And Good night all.
Alex
So here we have it.
Spartacus The Horse.
Once upon a time there lived a horse named Spartacus. He was a fabulous black Stallion with a glorious mane made of 100% awesomeness. His hoofs were so tough, and legs so strong, that they made the earth tremble under him when he galloped. His flanks were so shiny and smooth that he was often mistaken as a really, really smooth, shiny thing.
He lived atop of a hill overlooking a little castle and village that sat near a huge lush green plain. Oh how he yearned everyday to go and run amongst the smooth grass, and graze at his leisure while chatting up the female horses that frolicked there.
However he belonged to a very mean hunchback named Gary, who wasn't one of those hunchbacks that you sort of feel sorry for because he may have been shunned from society or treated differently, no. Gary was just a general all around bastard. He once stole a saucer of milk from a thirsty kitten because the kitten was purring too loudly, and it was disrupting him from brooding about things. Now, Gary kept Spartacus locked up in a small barn and only ever took the beast out for horse shows down in the village. Of course he always won, so not only was he a prick, he was a rich prick. Which as we all know, is the worst kind. Everyday he would set about his daily chores of shooting the local sparrows with slingshots, sending prank carrier pigeons to people, and brushing his teeth (because even asshole's know there is no reason why one should forget about tooth decay and plaque build up). Then he would feed Spartacus some delicious fruit and some of the finest grass money could buy.
All and all Spartacus was not treated badly in any way, shape or form. He just thought his owner was a complete idiot was all.
One gorgeous summers evening, Gary had decided to throw a little shindig at his place on the hill. It was quite the mixer, with villagers from all over showing up and socializing together as a community. It was quite the evening of bonding and conversation, but mainly it was just to remind people that he had a lot of money.
One particular guest, a short bald fellow with a red and green parrot that kept asking for crackers and persimmons, had noticed the mighty horse Spartacus poking his head through a gap in the barn door.
'Is that your horse out there?' said the man to Gary.
'Yes' said Gary, 'handsome beast isn't he?'
'Yes, well I mean, I only saw his head' said the man.
'Oh, well he's got a body too' said Gary as he sipped on a glass of red rich stuff.
'Ah. Good... Er listen, do you mind if I take a look a him? I am quite the animal lover.'
Gary eyes slowly widened as his jaw dropped. 'No you may certainly not! That's sick! Find a person like everyone else!'
The man looked puzzled for a second till he clicked. 'No, no. Look I train animals down at the castle.'
'What. Like some kind of animal trainer?' asked Gary.
The man rolled his eyes, and the parrot asked for another persimmon.
'Yes. But I specialize in training animals to do extraordinary things. Magic things.'
This caught Gary's attention, as a million different plans and schemes suddenly rocketed through his tiny misshapen skull.
'What kind of magic things?
The man smiled. 'Almost anything. For instance, Terrance here,' he patted the parrots head softly ' he can explode on command.'
Terrance squawked loudly at a lady, who in turn screamed equally as loud and dropped her drink.
'What do you mean he can explode on command!?' said Gary quizzically.
The man leant in, looked either side and said in a low voice.
'Well, with one utter of a specific magic word, Terrance will explode into a massive ball of flames and carnage.'
There was a slight pause as the cogs slowly processed this in Gary's mind.
'Uhh ok. Can you show me then?'
The man leaned back and plucked a cherry from a nearby fruit bowl.
'Nope sorry. Its only a one time sort of thing. Once he goes boom, he is kaput.'
Gary scrunched his face up. 'Well why would anyone want a parrot that can only explode on command once? What possible use could anyone have for that!?'
The man finished chewing his cherry, popped another into his mouth and began to grin. 'Well, in certain situations it can pay to have an exploding parrot as leverage. For instance, if I wanted to take a beautiful stallion from someone, then a parrot like Terrance may come in handy.'
The man's grin turned into a similar sort of thing that a shark's does when somebody plump jumps into the water right next to it. The realisation of subtle hints to the soon-to-be robbery slowly seeped it's way down Gary's face. His mouth opened a little as he looked from the man, to the barn, and back to the man.
'...By beautiful stallion....you mean the horse right?'
The man dipped his head and let out a little whimper. 'Terrance, please stay with this man while I retrieve the horse.'
'Hold on, hold on! You can't just take my prize horse!' shouted Gary.
The man stopped short of walking over to the barn, and turned back to Gary.
'My dear fellow, if you don't co-operate then I will blow up this entire house, all the guests and most importantly you!'
Gary thought about this a moment. 'No you won't.'
'I will!'
'You won't.'
The man's face began to turn a mild shade of red. 'Dammit man I am not bluffing! I'll blow this whole place sky high!'
Gary looked at the parrot, who this time asked for some dice. 'I still don't believe this parrot can explode on command.'
It appeared that steam was beginning to pour from the man's ears. ' With one word that parrot will incinerate everyone in this room, and yet here you are still arguing with me!'
'Well what's the word then?' asked Gary
'What?'
'You said the with one word that he could explode. Well what word is it?'
If the man had hair, this would be the point where he would start ripping it out. 'I can't tell you the word, otherwise he would explode!'
Gary scratched his chin a second before replying with, 'Well if I don't know what word it is, then there is a good chance I may say it by accident.'
The man stepped forward and leaned over the hunchback. 'Then perhaps it would be better if you would shut! Up!'
By this point everyone at the party had tuned in to the yelling and had a rough idea what was going on. Spartacus could also hear the commotion from his wee barn, and tried pushing his head further through the gap to get a better view.
The man, now fuming, turned and began to make his way to the barn but was stopped yet again by the sound of Gary's annoyingly annoying voice.
'Well what if one of the guests say it?'
Turning around slowly and grinding his teeth as if they were a pestle and mortar, he strode back to the congregation of people. Letting out a loud breath, he put on a very false smile and addressed the guests.
'Ok. As the majority of you may have overheard, what we have here is a situation involving myself robbing this gentleman of his prized horse and holding him at bay with a parrot that explodes on command by uttering a magic word only I know. Now to prevent him from exploding prematurely, I would appreciate it if all of you keep your mouths shut, just in case one of you says it by accident.'
There was an overall silence amongst the crowd. But after a moment or two, one of them piped up. 'Well how do we know he's an exploding parrot?'
The man erupted like a firework of bright colours into the air, leaping about and shouting.
'Just fucking trust me!! This parrot will explode! He'll turn you all to dust! You will be obliterated beyond all recognition! Dust mites will have to use microscopes just to examine your remains!!'
Silence slipped over the room once again as the mad man stood there panting heavily. It was at that moment that Terrance asked for other persimmon.
Gary sighed. 'Look we don't have any persimmon's, just have a banana inste...'
And with that, the entire room lit up like the sun.
The force was really quite impressive, and it really did obliterate everything. The barn around Spartacus blew to bits, and those bits, into pieces of smaller bits. But thankfully, because of Spartacus' sure footing and strong powerful legs, he didn't move an inch. His mane of awesomeness whipped away dangerous shards and debris while his smooth glossy flanks deflected the fames right around him, leaving the mighty beast totally unharmed.
After the smoke had cleared, and dust had settled, Spartacus surveyed the area. It was very quiet. And lonely. It was then that he walked to the edge of the hill and glanced down at the other horse frolicking in the grassy plain. He started his usual day dream about going down there and playing with them, when suddenly it occurred to him that the ties that bonded him to this place were no longer tied.
Free of his master, Spartacus speedily descended upon the plain, and for the first time he felt alive.
THEND
Tune in next time where Spartacus kills a bunch of doom wolves with his pure awesomeness and proves himself among the herd of stunning female horse, of who he has plenty of fun with.
Thank you, And Good night all.
Alex
Monday, 15 October 2012
Zombies: Inconsiderate bastards? or Hard working citizens?
Hello and good evening! ...Or morning....depending on where and who you are....
Anyway! Today's spill is all about those lovely wee beasties that have been gloriously haunting our screens, dreams and books for the past few decades. ZOMBIES!.......(I thought the bold capital red lettering looked quite nice. I was going to go for light blue, but since a zombie Smurf has yet to be discovered I thought red was a tad more appropriate...plus ZOMBIES! just seems too tame. Especially if you take the exclamation point and caps away, then you are left with zombies Which kind of looks like an brand of a lolly).
So I just finished the new episode of The Walking Dead, and now I have been plagued with thoughts about the undead for the better part of the afternoon. For anyone who doesn't know what The Walking Dead is about, its the fantastic story a small group of unwashed thieves and mischief makers who go from place to place trying to escape the majority of the american population, who have been overcome with the strange urge to track these other people down and give them hugs. But the problem is they hug far to hard and for an uncomfortable period of time, thus forcing the unaffected to flee into hiding. So it all sort of becomes a big game of hide and seek. Now the other thing is, because the majority of the worlds population have been overcome by this urge, nobody is doing anything constructive or getting any work done. Essentially the whole world has come to a halt, and the only people that can work, can't, because the other stupid people (or 'Walkers' as they are commonly referred to, even though the others do a significantly more amount of walking than those affected) are constantly on their trail.
Now because the impulse to hug is so proficient among them, it means they are constantly out looking for a quick fix, and so spend nearly every hour of every day out on the prowl. This means they often get extremely sun burnt, and since nobody is producing sun cream lotion any more, they start looking in a frightful state.
All up its a pretty funny show, lots of laughs here and there, but after about the second season it seems that the group has become quite fed up with it all and have actually started lashing back quite violently at these 'walkers' (as would anyone though if mass amounts of strangers were trying to hug you on a daily basis).
The only real complaint about the show I have is that, I don't know if the group don't really understand the rules or if they are deliberately cheating, but during the hide and seek sessions when one or more of them get found, they just run away and hide again! I mean the rules generally state that when you are found, you submit to a verbal bashing by the person who found you (or in this case, copious amounts of hugs), followed by lashings of ridicule about how shitty your hiding spot was in the first place, then the roles are reversed and the game commence's until its time for dinner or The Simpsons is on.
But do give it a watch tis a good show to have on while eating dinner.
Annnnnnnyway, I continue.
Now all this got me thinking about zombies and how scary and gruesome they appear to be. However, I think when you look a lot closer at it all, that there are certain great aspects about them which are sadly shadowed by the fact that they eat people alive.
So I am going to just list a few things I have noticed about them in a pro's and con's sort of way just to maybe give you the opportunity to actually weigh them up for yourselves.
Pro: Zombies on a whole, work together rather well. To achieve maximum spoils from their 'hunting trips' they know working together can be far more fruitful than working by themselves. This may be a small lesson mankind could learn, as it does apply to a lot of things in life.
Con: Because they spend basically all day out hunting, their work attendance can be awfully poor.
Pro: Inspite of their ability to cause total anarchy, where people run around madly and leave things in a truly unruly state, Zombies themselves are actually quite environmentally friendly. They don't do any real work, so they don't litter, and when they have dinner they rarely leave anything to waste. Plus they tend to only eat organic foods, and their carbon foot print is virtually nothing.
Con: They aren't terribly hygienic when it comes to cleaning themselves. Its one thing to go out in public with messy hair, but its another thing going out in public with someone else's messy hair lodged between your rotting teeth.
Pro: A zombie apocalypse could very well cut down on people driving to work, and they really do inspire a lot of exercise amongst the community.
Con: They can be pretty harsh taskmasters to people who are over weight. As far as personal trainers go, they can be a bit deadly.
Pro: Zombie aren't racist, or sexist. Hell there isn't a lot a zombie discriminates against at all! Really, they are a model society in that aspect.
Con: They eat everyone....
But that said, at least they do eat Everyone.
So there you have it, just a couple of points to think over. But, for sheer safety, I am assigning everybody to make their own zombie survival plans, exit routes through the house, and what household implements could be useful in such an event.
That's it for me today kiddies, go on, play safe, don't sit too closely to the tv screen, and always eat your veges... Except cabbage... Cabbage is the devil!
See ya
Alex
Anyway! Today's spill is all about those lovely wee beasties that have been gloriously haunting our screens, dreams and books for the past few decades. ZOMBIES!.......(I thought the bold capital red lettering looked quite nice. I was going to go for light blue, but since a zombie Smurf has yet to be discovered I thought red was a tad more appropriate...plus ZOMBIES! just seems too tame. Especially if you take the exclamation point and caps away, then you are left with zombies Which kind of looks like an brand of a lolly).
So I just finished the new episode of The Walking Dead, and now I have been plagued with thoughts about the undead for the better part of the afternoon. For anyone who doesn't know what The Walking Dead is about, its the fantastic story a small group of unwashed thieves and mischief makers who go from place to place trying to escape the majority of the american population, who have been overcome with the strange urge to track these other people down and give them hugs. But the problem is they hug far to hard and for an uncomfortable period of time, thus forcing the unaffected to flee into hiding. So it all sort of becomes a big game of hide and seek. Now the other thing is, because the majority of the worlds population have been overcome by this urge, nobody is doing anything constructive or getting any work done. Essentially the whole world has come to a halt, and the only people that can work, can't, because the other stupid people (or 'Walkers' as they are commonly referred to, even though the others do a significantly more amount of walking than those affected) are constantly on their trail.
Now because the impulse to hug is so proficient among them, it means they are constantly out looking for a quick fix, and so spend nearly every hour of every day out on the prowl. This means they often get extremely sun burnt, and since nobody is producing sun cream lotion any more, they start looking in a frightful state.
All up its a pretty funny show, lots of laughs here and there, but after about the second season it seems that the group has become quite fed up with it all and have actually started lashing back quite violently at these 'walkers' (as would anyone though if mass amounts of strangers were trying to hug you on a daily basis).
The only real complaint about the show I have is that, I don't know if the group don't really understand the rules or if they are deliberately cheating, but during the hide and seek sessions when one or more of them get found, they just run away and hide again! I mean the rules generally state that when you are found, you submit to a verbal bashing by the person who found you (or in this case, copious amounts of hugs), followed by lashings of ridicule about how shitty your hiding spot was in the first place, then the roles are reversed and the game commence's until its time for dinner or The Simpsons is on.
But do give it a watch tis a good show to have on while eating dinner.
Annnnnnnyway, I continue.
Now all this got me thinking about zombies and how scary and gruesome they appear to be. However, I think when you look a lot closer at it all, that there are certain great aspects about them which are sadly shadowed by the fact that they eat people alive.
So I am going to just list a few things I have noticed about them in a pro's and con's sort of way just to maybe give you the opportunity to actually weigh them up for yourselves.
Pro: Zombies on a whole, work together rather well. To achieve maximum spoils from their 'hunting trips' they know working together can be far more fruitful than working by themselves. This may be a small lesson mankind could learn, as it does apply to a lot of things in life.
Con: Because they spend basically all day out hunting, their work attendance can be awfully poor.
Pro: Inspite of their ability to cause total anarchy, where people run around madly and leave things in a truly unruly state, Zombies themselves are actually quite environmentally friendly. They don't do any real work, so they don't litter, and when they have dinner they rarely leave anything to waste. Plus they tend to only eat organic foods, and their carbon foot print is virtually nothing.
Con: They aren't terribly hygienic when it comes to cleaning themselves. Its one thing to go out in public with messy hair, but its another thing going out in public with someone else's messy hair lodged between your rotting teeth.
Pro: A zombie apocalypse could very well cut down on people driving to work, and they really do inspire a lot of exercise amongst the community.
Con: They can be pretty harsh taskmasters to people who are over weight. As far as personal trainers go, they can be a bit deadly.
Pro: Zombie aren't racist, or sexist. Hell there isn't a lot a zombie discriminates against at all! Really, they are a model society in that aspect.
Con: They eat everyone....
But that said, at least they do eat Everyone.
So there you have it, just a couple of points to think over. But, for sheer safety, I am assigning everybody to make their own zombie survival plans, exit routes through the house, and what household implements could be useful in such an event.
That's it for me today kiddies, go on, play safe, don't sit too closely to the tv screen, and always eat your veges... Except cabbage... Cabbage is the devil!
See ya
Alex
Monday, 8 October 2012
Astrology...It's not that hard.
Astrology.... Some people believe in it, some people think it is complete and utter hocus. You know, I can can see why. It is a bit far fetched that a sun or dying suns millions of billions of light years away, flickering in our earth's sky, are able to tell everything about us as a person depending on when that person was born?
But you know what? One cool summers eve, after a scorching hot day of smothering bitches in margarine...
...Wait...scratch that, hold on I'll start again...
...One cool summers eve, after a glorious day under the sun, I grabbed a nice cold beer and sat outside looking up at the twinkling shapes in the clear nights sky, and I saw something. Patterns emerged among the stars, and I could hear them whisper down to me in a very silky ethereal voice. I heard a great many things. It was as if the wisdom of the whole universe began seeping into my brain....And come morning... I could accurately tell peoples fortunes via their star signs.
Its a skill I have mostly kept under wraps but I thought I should finally reveal. I have have had many Astrologers baffled at the accurateness of my horoscope readings. Many have quit their jobs and turned to a life of selling waffles and fluffy candy at show grounds, in the fear that one day I will show my face and bring them all to shame.
So, below I have listed the signs of the Zodiac, and for each one I will write the weeks horoscope. Read on if you dare, but this is where it gets totally...and utterly.........AMAZING!!! (It would be appreciated if you insert epic music just here).
This weeks Horoscopes, By Master Mystery Man, Alex Master Mystery Man Pickard.
Aries: This week looks promising for heroic endeavours. However, you must be careful that your stubborn nature wont have you butting heads with unsavoury characters, like a local biker gang. If so, wear a helmet. They do, and it hurts. Around Wednesday you will come into the path of a small fortune. So remember to wear a balaclava, and talk in a deep voice. If you hit the security van hard and fast, the stars say you should make good your getaway.
Lucky Number: 70,000 if successful.
Lucky Colour: Crisp Green.
Taurus: If you have been thinking about doing some travel, now is certainly the time to do so. In fact, a trip away from the family and friends could just be what the doctor ordered... Because around the 9th you will contract severe radiation poisoning. You are most likely to be shipped to a 'special' containment holding facility, but if you make a run for it you may make it to Invercargall which, as we know, is very mutant friendly.
Lucky Number: P.239
Lucky Colour: Vibrant Glowing Lime.
Gemini: Big and bold changes head your way around Tuesday. There is the off chance however that you may get carried away with these changes and go completely insane. If you have a friend chain you to a wall of something, you should be fine. Otherwise you are most likely to go on a hippie rampage, smoking everything you can, painting things bold and awfully incompatible colours, and releasing animals from local Zoo's.
Financially you are going to be doing well this week, which is good because you will need it for the following weeks court fee's.
Lucky Number: 20, 310.99
Lucky Colour: Rainbow.
Cancer: Bad news this week. Around the first Saturday of the week (as oppose to the third Saturday of the week) you will come into position of a golden ring. While this may not seem like such a bad thing at first, once you uncover its ability to turn the wearer invisible, all hell will break loose. You will most likely be contacted by a group of ring 'enthusiasts' who will squabble over the ring repeatedly until you will have no other choice but to melt it in a volcano, just to get the annoying pricks off your back. All and all, a terrible waste of what could have been a very fun object.
Lucky Number: 9
Lucky Colour: Not Gold.
Leo: A stand out week for you indeed. Not only will you be commended by public officials for something heroic, you will also be globally recognised as a shinning example of human life. Around the 12th, a public holiday will be made in your name, and people will shower you in gifts and praise.
On a not so great note, your dog Betsy will be torn to shreds by an escaped alligator from the local zoo.
Lucky Number: Blue
Lucky Colour: 3
Virgo: On Monday a wild Snorlax will block your path, forcing you to take the long way around to work for the rest of the week. This will result in a stressful week, which may have a vast impact on your love life. Be careful not to intimidate your partner with the raw sexual magnitude of the stress and tension you have been bottling up inside over the course of the week. This could result in someone loosing an eye.
To avoid all this, get a private jet.
Lucky Number: 69
Lucky Colour: Purple Nerple
Minotaur: This week will feel awfully a lot like you have been running around a labyrinth of feelings. A sense of being lost may be so overwhelming, that you might feel like eating anyone one who comes into this Labyrinth of yours. Both literally and metaphorically. Stay away from people named Theseus, and drink plenty of milk.
Lucky Number: 100,101
Lucky Colour: Brown, with a tinge of more brown. But different to the first brown.
Libra: Your luck with animals could be coming to an end. Around the 15th it is advised that you lock all entries and exits of your house and remain indoors for the remainder of the week. If you have pets, feed them, then leave them outside. They will be fine. If you don't, you run the risk of being mauled to death. The Planet Ostrichidious is aligning with the Moon, which will cause all animals in the world to turn randomly become bloodthirsty and start attacking innocent Libra's. This happens once every 1000 years, and it is still unknown why the animals only attack innocent Libra's, leaving sinful Libra's unharmed. So on the 14th, perhaps its best to kill a hobo, or push over a baby or something, just to be sure.
Lucky Number: 1001
Lucky Colour: Black
Scorpio: A band of thieves will attack your caravan if you are not careful around the 18th. Aside from that, this week looks to be pretty relaxing. You might find that some unresolved issues regarding a toaster and a family members hamster, might better be resolved in therapy rather than a grand canyon trip.
Lucky number: Hopefully 5
Lucky Colour: Blood Red like little red riding hoods cape, and then like her, after she was eaten by the wolf.
Sagittarius: Any personal goals you have been putting off due to unfortunate timing, or financial problems, should now be put into play. If you want a pony buy a pony. If you want a jet ski, buy a jet ski. If you want to go bungee jumping, then go bungee jumping! Now is the time Mi Amigo... Because in the next few weeks you will become a reclusive hermit due to work issues and a new partner who use to work as a slave driver in the 1800's. It's not ideal, but at least you can get some good gaming in and remember the good times, during the 15 minutes a day that the crazy manipulative whore sleeps.
Lucky Number: 15
Lucky Colour: Anything but the whip!
Raichu: The air between you and another will be electric this week. Sparks will fly and new friendships will be born. However there will be a sense of regret about the past, almost as if you wish that you were younger for longer. Doubt whether or not you grew up and evolved into this new life to fast will soon pass, as you bask in the joy and love of this new friendship you have made. But beware. This friendship will be a total sham. They will betray you and force you into a life of slavery, drugs and fighting for some ridiculous currency no one has ever heard of. You will live the rest of your life curled in a ball wishing death and disaster to your capturer.
Things should look up around Thursday, when you will find a nice flower.
Lucky Number: #26
Lucky Colour: Orangey-Yellow.
Capricorn: Focus on your hobbies is essential this week, as around Sunday you will stumble upon something absolutely amazing. It will be a skill that will be vital for all mankind's survival in the coming years. Treasure it, nurture it, and work its technique. You are borderline a chosen one, so you will need to take care of yourself. Try to eat less fatty foods, cut back on sky diving, and don't jump into puddles. If you die, the whole of the human race maybe in jeopardy...But you know, no pressure.
Lucky Number: 5 Billion!
Lucky Colour: All of them!
Aquarius: Your style is a key issue this week. In a flurry of rash decisions you will put together an outfit which will divide the masses. To some it will be trendy and sexy, others it will be the epitome of complete disregard for society and a total fashion disaster. Because of this, fashion agency's and models of both gender all around the world will be at each others throats, with total anarchy running rampant through the streets of the fashion kingdom. With one simple decision, you will bring the entire enterprise of what's 'cool' to its knees. It's a lot to handle, so best get prepared by making speeches to lego men or teddy bears.
Everyone else who has nothing to do with fashion, will be vastly unaffected by these little tantrums and outbursts, and so will go about their daily lives as normal.
Lucky Number: 1
Lucky Colour: Beige.
Pisces: This is NOT your week. Run hard, Run fast......Good Luck. You'll need it.
Lucky Number: I doesn't matter, just Run.
Lucky Colour: WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING!!??
But you know what? One cool summers eve, after a scorching hot day of smothering bitches in margarine...
...Wait...scratch that, hold on I'll start again...
...One cool summers eve, after a glorious day under the sun, I grabbed a nice cold beer and sat outside looking up at the twinkling shapes in the clear nights sky, and I saw something. Patterns emerged among the stars, and I could hear them whisper down to me in a very silky ethereal voice. I heard a great many things. It was as if the wisdom of the whole universe began seeping into my brain....And come morning... I could accurately tell peoples fortunes via their star signs.
Its a skill I have mostly kept under wraps but I thought I should finally reveal. I have have had many Astrologers baffled at the accurateness of my horoscope readings. Many have quit their jobs and turned to a life of selling waffles and fluffy candy at show grounds, in the fear that one day I will show my face and bring them all to shame.
So, below I have listed the signs of the Zodiac, and for each one I will write the weeks horoscope. Read on if you dare, but this is where it gets totally...and utterly.........AMAZING!!! (It would be appreciated if you insert epic music just here).
This weeks Horoscopes, By Master Mystery Man, Alex Master Mystery Man Pickard.
Aries: This week looks promising for heroic endeavours. However, you must be careful that your stubborn nature wont have you butting heads with unsavoury characters, like a local biker gang. If so, wear a helmet. They do, and it hurts. Around Wednesday you will come into the path of a small fortune. So remember to wear a balaclava, and talk in a deep voice. If you hit the security van hard and fast, the stars say you should make good your getaway.
Lucky Number: 70,000 if successful.
Lucky Colour: Crisp Green.
Taurus: If you have been thinking about doing some travel, now is certainly the time to do so. In fact, a trip away from the family and friends could just be what the doctor ordered... Because around the 9th you will contract severe radiation poisoning. You are most likely to be shipped to a 'special' containment holding facility, but if you make a run for it you may make it to Invercargall which, as we know, is very mutant friendly.
Lucky Number: P.239
Lucky Colour: Vibrant Glowing Lime.
Gemini: Big and bold changes head your way around Tuesday. There is the off chance however that you may get carried away with these changes and go completely insane. If you have a friend chain you to a wall of something, you should be fine. Otherwise you are most likely to go on a hippie rampage, smoking everything you can, painting things bold and awfully incompatible colours, and releasing animals from local Zoo's.
Financially you are going to be doing well this week, which is good because you will need it for the following weeks court fee's.
Lucky Number: 20, 310.99
Lucky Colour: Rainbow.
Cancer: Bad news this week. Around the first Saturday of the week (as oppose to the third Saturday of the week) you will come into position of a golden ring. While this may not seem like such a bad thing at first, once you uncover its ability to turn the wearer invisible, all hell will break loose. You will most likely be contacted by a group of ring 'enthusiasts' who will squabble over the ring repeatedly until you will have no other choice but to melt it in a volcano, just to get the annoying pricks off your back. All and all, a terrible waste of what could have been a very fun object.
Lucky Number: 9
Lucky Colour: Not Gold.
Leo: A stand out week for you indeed. Not only will you be commended by public officials for something heroic, you will also be globally recognised as a shinning example of human life. Around the 12th, a public holiday will be made in your name, and people will shower you in gifts and praise.
On a not so great note, your dog Betsy will be torn to shreds by an escaped alligator from the local zoo.
Lucky Number: Blue
Lucky Colour: 3
Virgo: On Monday a wild Snorlax will block your path, forcing you to take the long way around to work for the rest of the week. This will result in a stressful week, which may have a vast impact on your love life. Be careful not to intimidate your partner with the raw sexual magnitude of the stress and tension you have been bottling up inside over the course of the week. This could result in someone loosing an eye.
To avoid all this, get a private jet.
Lucky Number: 69
Lucky Colour: Purple Nerple
Minotaur: This week will feel awfully a lot like you have been running around a labyrinth of feelings. A sense of being lost may be so overwhelming, that you might feel like eating anyone one who comes into this Labyrinth of yours. Both literally and metaphorically. Stay away from people named Theseus, and drink plenty of milk.
Lucky Number: 100,101
Lucky Colour: Brown, with a tinge of more brown. But different to the first brown.
Libra: Your luck with animals could be coming to an end. Around the 15th it is advised that you lock all entries and exits of your house and remain indoors for the remainder of the week. If you have pets, feed them, then leave them outside. They will be fine. If you don't, you run the risk of being mauled to death. The Planet Ostrichidious is aligning with the Moon, which will cause all animals in the world to turn randomly become bloodthirsty and start attacking innocent Libra's. This happens once every 1000 years, and it is still unknown why the animals only attack innocent Libra's, leaving sinful Libra's unharmed. So on the 14th, perhaps its best to kill a hobo, or push over a baby or something, just to be sure.
Lucky Number: 1001
Lucky Colour: Black
Scorpio: A band of thieves will attack your caravan if you are not careful around the 18th. Aside from that, this week looks to be pretty relaxing. You might find that some unresolved issues regarding a toaster and a family members hamster, might better be resolved in therapy rather than a grand canyon trip.
Lucky number: Hopefully 5
Lucky Colour: Blood Red like little red riding hoods cape, and then like her, after she was eaten by the wolf.
Sagittarius: Any personal goals you have been putting off due to unfortunate timing, or financial problems, should now be put into play. If you want a pony buy a pony. If you want a jet ski, buy a jet ski. If you want to go bungee jumping, then go bungee jumping! Now is the time Mi Amigo... Because in the next few weeks you will become a reclusive hermit due to work issues and a new partner who use to work as a slave driver in the 1800's. It's not ideal, but at least you can get some good gaming in and remember the good times, during the 15 minutes a day that the crazy manipulative whore sleeps.
Lucky Number: 15
Lucky Colour: Anything but the whip!
Raichu: The air between you and another will be electric this week. Sparks will fly and new friendships will be born. However there will be a sense of regret about the past, almost as if you wish that you were younger for longer. Doubt whether or not you grew up and evolved into this new life to fast will soon pass, as you bask in the joy and love of this new friendship you have made. But beware. This friendship will be a total sham. They will betray you and force you into a life of slavery, drugs and fighting for some ridiculous currency no one has ever heard of. You will live the rest of your life curled in a ball wishing death and disaster to your capturer.
Things should look up around Thursday, when you will find a nice flower.
Lucky Number: #26
Lucky Colour: Orangey-Yellow.
Capricorn: Focus on your hobbies is essential this week, as around Sunday you will stumble upon something absolutely amazing. It will be a skill that will be vital for all mankind's survival in the coming years. Treasure it, nurture it, and work its technique. You are borderline a chosen one, so you will need to take care of yourself. Try to eat less fatty foods, cut back on sky diving, and don't jump into puddles. If you die, the whole of the human race maybe in jeopardy...But you know, no pressure.
Lucky Number: 5 Billion!
Lucky Colour: All of them!
Aquarius: Your style is a key issue this week. In a flurry of rash decisions you will put together an outfit which will divide the masses. To some it will be trendy and sexy, others it will be the epitome of complete disregard for society and a total fashion disaster. Because of this, fashion agency's and models of both gender all around the world will be at each others throats, with total anarchy running rampant through the streets of the fashion kingdom. With one simple decision, you will bring the entire enterprise of what's 'cool' to its knees. It's a lot to handle, so best get prepared by making speeches to lego men or teddy bears.
Everyone else who has nothing to do with fashion, will be vastly unaffected by these little tantrums and outbursts, and so will go about their daily lives as normal.
Lucky Number: 1
Lucky Colour: Beige.
Pisces: This is NOT your week. Run hard, Run fast......Good Luck. You'll need it.
Lucky Number: I doesn't matter, just Run.
Lucky Colour: WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING!!??
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Cats. Cute and cuddly? or Space Menace?
Has anyone else ever noticed that Hans Solo looks a hell of alot like a young Harrison Ford? It blows my mind every time.
Anyway today's Spill will feature the number 5, 7 and all the vowels. So hold on to your seats, your cats, your hats and your beards, because shits about to get real...
So, word on the street is that the end of the world is upon us. A mere month or so away as I hear it. Now I, a lot like many people, have a problem with this. After all the end of the world is kind of a big deal, and ruins many peoples plans for... you know... the future and stuff. But my biggest concern is not so much the destruction of humanity (twas inevitable anyway) or the annihilation of everything mankind has worked so hard to create (Some of mankind. Babies don't seem to help out much), no, my concern is...Who is on clean up duty?
It's a bit unfair don't you think? I don't know if you have noticed, but the world is quite a large place. There is heaps of things in it. In fact there is quite literally everything in it. (I know what you're thinking. 'But Alex, what about the planets? The stars? The sun? The universe!?', to which I like to point out, we have Pizza Planet, Angelina Jolie, a Newspaper, and Universal Studios. I know they're not quite the same, but for the sake of this spill and to make a point, they are.) Now I don't know how the world is going to come to its demise, I may have not being paying attention at the time the statement was released, or it could be that no one really knows. Either way, everyone seems to be sure it going to happen, but no one it seems is really sure on the details. This means that the end of the world could range from anything from; Total and utter obliteration of the entire planet, reducing everything to dust and rubble. To; 7 people faint world wide because the planet gets slightly warmer, however as some sort of freak coincidence, all 7 people work in nuclear weapon silos, and as they fall, all of their faces slam onto a computer key board, and by absolute chance, they mash the in the launch codes which let fly the nukes, destroying a lot of expensive things. Like life. So Either way there is going to be a big ass mess.
Now I want to know who is the poor bastard who is going to be in charge of cleaning it up? When the damn cat knocks over my legos, I have to clean it up myself! Does this mean some overlord-like deity has to as well? Because I tell you whenever the cat knocked my Legos over, I was not happy about cleaning it up.
This is why I have come to the conclusion that the world is not going to come to an end. Because quite simply, I doubt anybody wants to clean it up. There is a lot of it. It's probably quite time consuming. I imagine bits of the world don't come out of clothes very well, you know. Just because some Mayan bloke in a fancy bone skirt decides the world should probably end on a certain date, doesn't mean we should all freak out about it. I think there probably are some higher deities watching over us... But just to make sure we don't make a fucking mess.
Then again, maybe that's what black holes are for. God vacuums!
Anyway that is my spill for this evening.
Alex.
...Oh and, 5.
Anyway today's Spill will feature the number 5, 7 and all the vowels. So hold on to your seats, your cats, your hats and your beards, because shits about to get real...
So, word on the street is that the end of the world is upon us. A mere month or so away as I hear it. Now I, a lot like many people, have a problem with this. After all the end of the world is kind of a big deal, and ruins many peoples plans for... you know... the future and stuff. But my biggest concern is not so much the destruction of humanity (twas inevitable anyway) or the annihilation of everything mankind has worked so hard to create (Some of mankind. Babies don't seem to help out much), no, my concern is...Who is on clean up duty?
It's a bit unfair don't you think? I don't know if you have noticed, but the world is quite a large place. There is heaps of things in it. In fact there is quite literally everything in it. (I know what you're thinking. 'But Alex, what about the planets? The stars? The sun? The universe!?', to which I like to point out, we have Pizza Planet, Angelina Jolie, a Newspaper, and Universal Studios. I know they're not quite the same, but for the sake of this spill and to make a point, they are.) Now I don't know how the world is going to come to its demise, I may have not being paying attention at the time the statement was released, or it could be that no one really knows. Either way, everyone seems to be sure it going to happen, but no one it seems is really sure on the details. This means that the end of the world could range from anything from; Total and utter obliteration of the entire planet, reducing everything to dust and rubble. To; 7 people faint world wide because the planet gets slightly warmer, however as some sort of freak coincidence, all 7 people work in nuclear weapon silos, and as they fall, all of their faces slam onto a computer key board, and by absolute chance, they mash the in the launch codes which let fly the nukes, destroying a lot of expensive things. Like life. So Either way there is going to be a big ass mess.
Now I want to know who is the poor bastard who is going to be in charge of cleaning it up? When the damn cat knocks over my legos, I have to clean it up myself! Does this mean some overlord-like deity has to as well? Because I tell you whenever the cat knocked my Legos over, I was not happy about cleaning it up.
This is why I have come to the conclusion that the world is not going to come to an end. Because quite simply, I doubt anybody wants to clean it up. There is a lot of it. It's probably quite time consuming. I imagine bits of the world don't come out of clothes very well, you know. Just because some Mayan bloke in a fancy bone skirt decides the world should probably end on a certain date, doesn't mean we should all freak out about it. I think there probably are some higher deities watching over us... But just to make sure we don't make a fucking mess.
Then again, maybe that's what black holes are for. God vacuums!
Anyway that is my spill for this evening.
Alex.
...Oh and, 5.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Submission to peer pressure, Tea, and Railway spikes.
Ok so... Umm... right.... Yep ok...Uhhhh.....hold on one sec....
....There we go....
Yes! So, hello and welcome to my first post...blog...thing. I think that's how these kind of things work. With a pleasant introduction. A quick virtual wink and a smile. Possibly a nod or two... On a rare occasion, the lobbing of a virtual sheep.
Anyway, today I was peer pressured into writing a blog. But I find a certain unruly hatred for the word 'Blog'. To me a 'Blog' is something you fish out of your sink at 4 in the morning, whilst wearing a gas mask and waving around a harpoon-like implement. Hell! Even the computer refuses to recognise 'Blog' as a real word. (Good boy computer, I'll feed you some biscuits later).
Nope, this is not a 'Blog'. This shall be more of a...a... Thought spillage! A place to dump whatever is rattling around in my head.
But enough of these god-damn pleasantries! On to the real stuff.
So I saw a woman walking down the street today wearing a Princess Leia costume from Return of the Jedi. Yea, you know the one. The same image that sits in every Star Wars fan boy's wallet, where a picture of his girlfriend or parents...or even his small hamster Craig, should go. Yes, and in that brief moment as she passed by, I fell in love. It was also in that brief moment that I realised maybe I wasn't over my old childhood crush. It, however, was in a moment afterwards, that I also realised that she was probably off to make some very lucky man, very, very happy. ...And my heart broke once more. OH WHAT A CRUEL THING TO DO TO SOMEONE, LIFE!!?? Conjuring childhood fantasy's and placing them an arms length away from said child, and then letting them just stroll by, is a very mean thing to do indeed.
But don't worry, I had a sandwich and got over it.
I heard somewhere that sandwiches make the best distractions...or at least they do in loony tunes movies. Yep, sandwiches and breasts can distract a man from anything. Except, of course, a Swedish female beach volleyball team's pillow fight, in which (for no apparent reason) they get drenched in beer and jelly.
Ahhh.....
Right I need to leave.
Alex Pickard saying 'Thend'.
....There we go....
Yes! So, hello and welcome to my first post...blog...thing. I think that's how these kind of things work. With a pleasant introduction. A quick virtual wink and a smile. Possibly a nod or two... On a rare occasion, the lobbing of a virtual sheep.
Anyway, today I was peer pressured into writing a blog. But I find a certain unruly hatred for the word 'Blog'. To me a 'Blog' is something you fish out of your sink at 4 in the morning, whilst wearing a gas mask and waving around a harpoon-like implement. Hell! Even the computer refuses to recognise 'Blog' as a real word. (Good boy computer, I'll feed you some biscuits later).
Nope, this is not a 'Blog'. This shall be more of a...a... Thought spillage! A place to dump whatever is rattling around in my head.
But enough of these god-damn pleasantries! On to the real stuff.
So I saw a woman walking down the street today wearing a Princess Leia costume from Return of the Jedi. Yea, you know the one. The same image that sits in every Star Wars fan boy's wallet, where a picture of his girlfriend or parents...or even his small hamster Craig, should go. Yes, and in that brief moment as she passed by, I fell in love. It was also in that brief moment that I realised maybe I wasn't over my old childhood crush. It, however, was in a moment afterwards, that I also realised that she was probably off to make some very lucky man, very, very happy. ...And my heart broke once more. OH WHAT A CRUEL THING TO DO TO SOMEONE, LIFE!!?? Conjuring childhood fantasy's and placing them an arms length away from said child, and then letting them just stroll by, is a very mean thing to do indeed.
But don't worry, I had a sandwich and got over it.
I heard somewhere that sandwiches make the best distractions...or at least they do in loony tunes movies. Yep, sandwiches and breasts can distract a man from anything. Except, of course, a Swedish female beach volleyball team's pillow fight, in which (for no apparent reason) they get drenched in beer and jelly.
Ahhh.....
Right I need to leave.
Alex Pickard saying 'Thend'.
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