Application to run for King of New Zealand.

Dear people, and peoples of the great nation of Aotearoa (New Zealand for you foreigners... or middle earth for you fantasy dwellers).

I don't know about you, but of late it seems as if our country is being run a bunch of clowns. And not the funny kind of clowns. Actually not even the terrifying ones either.  I mean the clowns that don't quite make either cut. The ones that pull out a balloon and say they are going to make a dragon but instead make a snake. And a bad one at that.
Now the problem I have been noticing with these clowns, is that there isn't anybody but other clowns, some baboons and a few tic's, too replace them on their aluminium throne of meek minded tyranny.

New Zealand needs a new kind of power. Someone who will run this wonderful country and its stunningly proud mediocrity, with buckets of gumption and rule with, not so much a Iron Fist, but rather, a Blow up Hammer.

This is what I am suggesting.
Throw out our government and in its stead, place a king upon the throne. Introduce royalty and a mild bit of Dictatorship.

Now I realise at this point you are asking yourselves "but Alex! Who on earth will take on such a colossal task? Who, Alex. Who?"
It may come as a shock to you, but I, Alex Phillip Pickard, would put myself forward.

Naturally some of you who don't know me are probably asking yourselves what kind of credentials have I for such a job, and why should you, the inhabiting citizens, hand the trust of a nation over to me?

Well that is a good question, and I would like to throw down a few example of why I should be considered.

1. I have never once accepted lollies from a stranger.
2. I have built many sand castles in my time.
3. When I was 13 I was in command of a 2000 point strong Dwarven army, and had a number of victorious battles in my reign.
4. I know all the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven.
5. I once did 16 beer bongs in one afternoon.
6. I like goldfish.
7. I have been told I make an excellent cup of coffee.
8. A famous Greek warrior was named after me.
9. I can recite the Alphabet backwards, up to 'X'
10. I have saved over half a dozen little lizards from my pet cats.

So as you might see, I am more than qualified for the job. 

However you still may be wondering what kind of changes I may be proposing  during my rule, and what plans I hold for the future of our dear country?

This is a list of my intentions as King of New Zealand.

• Firstly, tea and biscuits will be distributed to the masses every Sunday for the foreseeable future.
• Our new New Zealand flag will contain Bill Murray slaying a Chimaera using a Taiaha. 
• All royal guards shall wear suits of armour and carry either swords or Axes.
• Corn flakes and Ricies packets will return to the zip shut design for actual freshness. 
• Police officers are permitted to bend or break the peaks of anybody wearing flat peaked hats.
• Nation wide education on how to hold a hammer properly, followed by how to hammer a nail properly, shall be enforced.
• Our national Anthem will be changed to the guitar solo from Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird'. People will required to sing it as best as they can.
• Anything to do with the Twilight franchise shall be illegal in public. All Twilight movies shall be watched at ones home, in ones closet where they belong.
• All lemonade will only be available/sold on the road side by children aged 12 and under. They shall keep 97% of their earnings. The remainder 3% will go into a university fund set up for them.
• Justin Beiber will only be allowed on N.Z soil provided he agrees not to speak.
• Primary School kids shall be better educated on all the powers of Captain Planet.
• Rapists and paedophiles will be thrown to packs of wild, horny baboons.
• I will personally make an annual voyage to the underworld to meet with Hades and make arrangements for a truce that will stop earthquakes under our fair land. In exchange I will tell him some of our best jokes, and let him try a few of our best homebrews.
• Thirsty Thursdays will be instigated nation wide with all house beers and wines being only $4.
• Men with fully formed moustaches will instantly get a 5% to 7% pay rise, depending on the thickness and creativeness of the moustache. Women will also get a 5% pay rise provided they don't nag any men about shaving their moustaches.
• Littering will be punishable via public humiliation. Example; being smothered in peanut butter and bird seeds, then forced to stand in a cage full of hungry pigeons.
• All Cacti will be outlawed immediately. 
• All McDonalds staff will be replaced by ducks, purely for entertainment purposes.
• More water fights are encouraged.
• 'Run around with a stick day' will be enforced. Every 2nd Wednesday everyone will be kicked out of their homes and forced to play outside in the sun. If its rainy or too cold, 'Read a book day' will be enforced, where the power is cut off for the entire day and people must remain inside and read. NOTE: Read a book day is not compulsory on rainy days. If one wishes to participate in 'Run around with a stick day' regardless of the rain or cold, then they may do so.
• Cooking shows and 'talent' shows will be kept to a maximum of one per week over all. Stations may rock paper scissors to decided who gets what.
• Music appreciation class will be included in schools required curriculum. A detailed history about the origins of modern music and what went wrong in the 'progression' from Wagner to One Direction.
• Compulsory learning of an instrument for everyone under 20. This includes the Spoons and Triangle.
•   The new sport 'ULTIMATE' (not the significantly less 'ultimate' Frisbee game by the same name) shall be introduced as a new national sport. (see next times spill for more about rules and regulations of the game)
• As your king, I will try and pretend to really be interested in what it is you have to say. If I fall asleep, it is not that I am not listening, it is just that I happen to be thinking about the subject on a deeper more unconscious level.
• More smiling and high fives should be encouraged by all.
• Maths, Science and English will again be taught in schools, because apparently that hasn't been happening for the last few years.
• The opposite escalator shall now be used depending on your requirements. Eg. If you are going up, use the down escalator, and vice versa. This hopefully should encourage more exercise.
• One month Zombie survival training a year will be required for all people between 16 and 100.
• Watermelons, we need more of them.
• Whoever finds Carmen San Diego will instantly win $500,000. 
• A New Zealand space program will be put together using the brightest sparks of kiwi ingenuity the nation has to offer.
• 'Stupid people' traps will be instigated. If you are caught in a trap you must go back to school, directly back to school, you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200.
• Construction workers will have their breaks cut down from Twelve 20min breaks, to seven 12mins breaks.
• Fast food venues, such as KFC, Dominos, Burger King etc, will only be able to serve 60 people a day and will work on a 'first in, first served' basis. This excludes all drunks, who must be served immediately.
• A sacrifice of 40 cattle, 12 sheep, 3 virgins and 50 crates of various beer, shall be given to Chuck Norris as thanks for not destroying our country.
• Popcorn at the movies will no longer be the price of a small car.
• King Alex day (April 4th) is not only a public holiday, but a celebration of an awesome guy who became king of an awesome country. The theme will vary from year to year, but everybody and anybody is permitted to dress up like King Alex, and prance around all day. There must be at least 5 parades and lots and lots of confetti. 

Well There you have it. Just a few thing I am aiming for.

Hopefully you can now see how much of a benefit I could make if I were allowed complete and utter control over the nation.

So come on, vote King Alex. It is the start of a beautiful thing.

Sincerely

Alexander Phillip Pickard. 

ex oh, ex oh

P.S. I am not a super villain, I promise.