Tis that time once again when winter is starting to knock at out doors, like that pesky sales man/survey woman/girl guide/careless person who lost Christ and wants you to help find him, who all appear every year like clockwork.
Now personally, I have nothing against winter. I actually quite enjoy winter.
However...
Sadly, I all too regularly fall victim to the 'I can't/won't get out of bed this morning, for it is extremely warm and I am comfy and snuggled under these sheets, and it is evil and cold outside and if I move now I will die, or worse, get a cold.'
But over the years I have developed a few ways of over coming this barbaric ritual of suffering.
So! I have decided to share with you, my loyal-and-every-second-devoted readers, some tips to help you in your survival of winter mornings.
FIRST! You must understand that winter thrives on weakness. It can be a bastard, and if you let it hold you down, it will be a bastard. If you are going to get up every morning of winter, you are going to have to want it!
...time to dig deep.
TIPS AND STRATEGY:
1. The first step everyone will need to overcome, is not actually the cold itself. It is sleep...
Weapons against sleep (alarms, radios, cats and such) all have their merits, but can be easily thwarted. It is a hard thing to fight through, and due to the cozyiness of ones bed, can be even harder come winter.
One of the best techniques for awaking is the simple 'trick'. This is where, whilst dozing, you trick your subconscious into awaking. Think that you saw a spider in your bed, or maybe a zombie, or even a Niki Minaj perhaps.
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| Zombies readily do the trick. |
2. Acceptance.
The quicker you accept that freezing air has consumed your room and that you will need to get out into it, the sooner and faster you can get out of this situation.
Try not to think of the cold you are climbing out in to, but instead the warm comfy clothes you will soon be piling on (If all your warm clothes are in the wash then imagining will just have to suffice).
3. Stay awake... at all costs.
This is perhaps the most vital step after someone has woken up, and will ultimately make or break a person. You must remember, in this situation, sleep and warmth are the enemy!
You will most likely try to reason with yourself. "Just Ten more minutes", "I'm getting up I swear. I've just got to close my eyes for a moment", "I'll just wait for it to get a tad warmer outside".
If you hear yourself saying any of these things then instantly revert to step one, because you will most likely be sleeping again.
4. Keeping awake just long enough to make a rational decision.
Nobody who wakes up right away is going to be completely with it... Except if you are a S.A.S soldiers or a Navy S.E.A.L. But as the majority of the populous aren't, this step will most likely effect you.
Once you are awake, you need to to get the ol cogs moving in the brain chamber.
Try sitting up and thinking about an object that's sitting in your room. A lamp perhaps, or an askew book on the bookcase. Avoid things that remind you that outside it is the temperature that Eskimos die at. Small things should start the ball rolling long enough for you to start planning your exit.
CAUTION!
This step can take a dangerous turn.
Sleep is a creeper. It creeps up on us when we loose focus, and it will not think twice about snaring you back into its trap.
This is why, when thinking about something, you must try not think too hard about it. Thinking leads to pondering. Pondering leads to wondering. And wondering... leads to dreaming.
5. Motivation.
If you make it to this point then you certainly have a chance of making it the whole hog. But as I said at the start, you have to want it.
Now most people simply need to get up for work in the mornings. This isn't exactly inspiring. So, I suggest thinking further than work. Think how maybe, if you didn't go into work today you wouldn't get paid, then you wouldn't have any money to buy that new acoustic guitar you wanted, then how would you get the babes at the beach interested in you? You may actually have to speak to them!!
Or perhaps buy a pair of fuzzy, amazingly comfortable bunny slippers and place them across the otherside of the room, forcing yourself to get up and put them on.
Things along those lines often work.
However, scientists have discovered a direct link between the temperature of frozen air floating around your room, and necessary motivation levels for exiting a bed.
For every 2 degrees dropped under 10 degrees Celsius, motivation required for the initial exit of the bed is increased by 70%.
Basically, the colder it is, the more shit you are going to have to come up with to force yourself to get up and about.
6. Extreme Measures - The Ultimatum.
So basically if you havn't gotten up yet, or even past step 3, then its time to call in the big guns. Extreme measures aren't ideal, but they are usually pretty effective and have a pretty clear ultimatum to not getting out of bed.
Firstly we have the ol Oven trick. Essentially the reason you don't want to get out of bed in winter is because its confines are warmer than the outside world.
So... Make it warmer...
First, start by setting the bed on fire.
By doing so, you'll find yourself out of bed in seconds flat trying to find a way to put it out. Also because it'll be burnt to shit, you most likely wont want to get back into it.
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| Best to have a bucket of water on standby. |
Secondly we have the Pulley System. This however requires some elaborate booby trap work.
Basically you tie a length of rope around your feet, and rig it so, when your alarm clock goes off and you hit it, it will fall, knocking a bowling ball off a perch somewhere with the rope tied to it. You then should be pulled legs first out of bed and dangle upside down from the ceiling.
Now the downside to this plan is that you essentially have to spend all night planing it. And rigging it. By then the subject is usually to tired to carry on and ends up sleepings in.
The other downside is that once upside down, the blood rushes to their head and they pass out.
And Thirdly, the Helping Hand plan. Which is simply, get a butler who owns a water pistol and has a cruel sense of humour.
But hey, get creative the night before. I hear babies are excellent at getting people up during any season. Although that may take a couple months of planning.
7. Defeat.
If you get to this point, then I am afraid not even I can help you. You simply must accept defeat and surrender your soul to Jack Frost... or Santa... or whoever they have running Winter at the moment.
Hopefully these notes will help yee all prepare for the coming months of cold. Just remember step 3 and perseverance is key!
Good luck and Goodbye.
Alex
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