How NOT to piss off a bartender. 12 Helpful tips.

So as my time as a bartender has come to a close (for now) I thought it would be nice to share a few helpful sprouts of knowledge I've picked up on the job, especially for everyone who has never done the job.

As you may be aware, bartenders are people who teeter on the edge of being human and sub human. At times they are deserving of a 'demi-god-like' status, and other times closer to 'the walking dead'. When they are having a good night, then they are on fire. When they are having a bad night, they wish the were on fire. Literally.
Much of this has to do with you, the customer. A bad customer can ruin a bartenders night and force them into a downward spiral, while a good one can lighten the mood for the entire bar staff.

So here are a few tips to keep on a bartenders good side.

1. Never, ever....EVER click your fingers, or stick your arm out at a barman for their attention....EVER!!

This really should go without saying. The barman knows you are there, he can see you waiting impatiently, and when they are ready and finished serving the customers who were there before you, they will get to you. Clicking your fingers and waving wildly at the bartender will actually make your wait LONGER. It is a sure fire way to get your pleas ignored. I seriously doubt in the long history of everything, than any one has ever appreciated anyone clicking at them for attention. With the exception of cicadas. SO DON'T DO IT! Unless you really want to wait twice as long.

2. Don't complain about the wait, then stand there making up your mind when it is your turn!

Bartenders work more efficiently if they are not being abruptly halted by indecisive customers while the bar is four deep. All too many times I have had a customer stand, humming and harring over a decision they should have made in the time they were waiting to be served. What's worse is when they complain about the wait, yet draw a blank when you actually ask them what they want. WHAT WERE YOU DOING FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES WHILE YOU WERE IN LINE!?? JUST ENJOYING THE SHINY BAR LIGHTS?? A customer who knows what they want, or better yet, even know what they want as a back up drink, will always play in a bartenders good books.

3. No, you can't pour your own drink/ drink out of the tap!

It is a stupid question, and yes I have been asked it on multiple occasions. There are legal reasons, safety reasons, and most importantly, a customer strolling about behind the bar or shoving their face under the tap looks bad. Very very bad. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I went into your cash draw at your work and started hurling money around like Scrooge McDuck.

4. Yelling in the bartenders ear doesn't help. But talking like a shy garden gnome doesn't work either!

Bars in general are rowdy places. Especially when they are busy, and even more so when there is live music. Try to use an appropriate volume level for the current environment. If there is a DJ with a heavy bass amp, don't talk in a pitch slightly above a whisper. And visa versa, if its chilled out enough to talk at normal volume, don't pretend you are shouting your order through a mega phone. Most bartenders can lip read fairly well, or can at least roughly decipher common orders.

5. Don't be vague. Bartenders are NOT psychic!

A little detail goes a long way. "I'll have a Galliano please." ....Ok. Galliano annnnd? ...What? ....Just as a shot? With coke? Lemonade?? A sacrificial goat!?? WHAT!!?  FOR GOD'S SAKE, GIVE ME SOMETHING!!!??
Most bartenders have a good idea what goes well with what, but if you are not specific then don't give us a scorn that could peel paint when we suggest a mixer.

6. Pick and choose your cocktail battles.

It's all very well to go to a bar to order cocktails. The majority of bars do them. But it is important to realise WHERE you are ordering them. If you go into a Guinness bar and order a Mojito, then be prepared to be disappointed if it doesn't look like the ones you saw on Jersey Shore. While some bars do specialise in cocktails, a lot of bars aren't as proficient in doing them.
It is also important to pick the time you order them wisely. For instance, if there is one person on bar, and they are already looking pretty busy with quite a few customers, then stopping them serving for the next 10-15 mins while they fluff around trying to make whatever it was you couldn't even pronounce, chances are they are not going to be too happy about it.

7. "I can't taste the vodka."

Congratulations. You can't taste the flavourless spirit mixed with the copious amounts of fizzy drink? Oh. I can't taste my heart either, but trust me, its in there.

 8. Can't believe the barman has never heard of that drink!? ...then don't push it.

Most barmen aren't walking encyclopaedia's of drinks. (It is wise to point out though, that some certainly are). If you ask for a drink and the barman doesn't know of it, then explain what's in it or how to make it. Most will be happy to give it a shot, as many drinks have different names depending on where you get them. DON'T just say "oh I had a Flaming Weasel at the Red Door last night, but I don't know what's in it. Can you make me one?" Chances are, if they haven't heard of it, and you don't know how to make it, then you won't be getting one. More to the point, don't press the matter either. It is no use describing what shade of red it was or what the garnish was like, if you have no idea what the ingredients are. Shut up and move on.

9. Don't ask for seven shots when your buddy can barely hold you up.

Astonishingly, most people forget that bartenders are essentially sober the whole time they are serving. They can see when you can barely keep your eyes open. They can hear you slurring your words. And yes, they did just watch you walk into that table. So don't be surprised when a bartender say enough is enough. Part of the job is keeping a sneaky watchful eye on the rowdy, hypo, sleepy, tipsy customers who fill the bar. As a collective, the bar staff know what's going down.

10. "But I've been waiting for aaaages." Oh have you? Cool, then you can wait for a bit longer.

Nothing pisses off a bartender more than the winy voice of a customer who hasn't the patience to wait their turn like everyone else. Little tip. For the most part bartenders KNOW who they are serving next, or who has been waiting longest. Regardless, complaining happens regularly, which only further fuels a bartenders hatred, resulting in either a) customer being told to shut up and wait thier turn. or b) customer is ignored for the rest of the evening. If the bar is packed, don't be that guy/girl. It won't end well. Trust me.

11. Just because a bartender looks at you, doesn't mean you are next.

One of the most dangerous thing to do as a bartender, is accidentally make eye contact when looking up along the bar. There is nearly always somebody who will take it as their cue to start spouting off their order like a mother with a grocery list. So take it as such. If the bartender is still in the process of making someone else's drinks, then they can't very well jump to the end of the bar and start doing yours too. Bartenders are superhero's, not Gods.

12. Closing time means Closing time.

If you ever work at a bar, there is one phrase that I 100% guarantee you will hear on a regular basis. "Oh come on, just one more!" What people don't realise is that by the time you have the asked the bartender this, they have already heard it half a dozen times. When the bar is closed, it is closed. Believe it or not, bartenders do require rest too. Not much, sure... but still!
Avoid the denial and cheap pleas, just accept that when a barman tells you the bar is closed, that it is in fact, closed.


So there you go folks. A few handy tips to stay out of the bartenders dog box. And remember, even in a country such as good ol New Zealand where tips aren't necessary, they are ALWAYS appreciated.

Cheers to drinking!
Alex

ManFlu: Deadlier than Women Suspect.

  Hi all, it's been a while. I've been busy doing things and stuff. But enough about stuff and things, and onto what really matters!

  Around Winter, and often Summer, and quite often Autumn, and more often than none Spring, people get sick. I don't know the exact statistic, but I'd imagine it'd be about 99.9% of the whole population get sick once or twice in their lifetime (The .1% being made up of Keith Richards and Bruce Willis' character from Unbreakable).
  But there is another form of illness that grips many, yet it only effects one gender... Man.
  Yes, you know it, I'm talking about the ManFlu. I am not quite familiar with it's scientific name, but it'd probably be something like 'AhhhOhGodWhyMe!!?WHY-ME!??-itis' ...Which coincidentally seems to be a females reaction to having  deal with a man struck down with ManFlu.
  However, unbeknownst to many, ManFlu can be a disastrous and the full extent (to which women often criticise) can bring a man down to his very knees, crumbling everything to him.

  So why is this illness so lethal, and yet not taken seriously??
  I'll tell you Bob.
  The ManFlu directly attacks a man's manliness, forcing him to feel weak and frail. You see, the Male immune system vastly differs from the Females. A woman, when sick, can still retain her sensibility. She goes to the doctor, eats soup, takes vitamins, and wraps up warm because she knows she can beat it and soon she shall be right as rain.
  Where as a Males immune system is use to things like tetanus, rabies, and second degree burns, the common cold however immediately attacks the sensibility section of a man's brain, leaving him vulnerable to his surroundings. ManFlu emotionally cripples a man, leaving a mere husk of his former self.
To many women this can be seen as just acting out for attention, or being lazy, but it is just simply that they do not know what actually happens to a man while ManFlu sets in.

  This is why, for my female readers, I will give a run-down in detail about the stages of ManFlu using a fictitious character named Frank.

DAY 1:
  Frank is at the office putting in a few late hours when a fellow employee Jim hands him a cup of coffee. Smiling, Frank takes the cup and thanks Jim. Jim ask's how Franks holiday to Geneva was, and as Frank goes to answer, he feels a slight tingle in the back of his nose. He sneezes.
  Jims face is frozen in an acute state of shock as he slowly backs away. Frank wipes his nose on the back of his hand and tells Jim he's fine. But before he can finish he sneezes again.
  Jim, knowing perfectly well the seriousness of the situation, yelps loudly then flees in horror.
  Quickly Frank clears his papers and throws them in his briefcase before hurling himself into the elevator. He knows he hasn't much time. As he reaches his car, he begins to cough loudly. Hurtling down the motorway at 150mph, panic strikes him. The fear that he man not make it home in time.
  But he does.
  Dorothy, Franks wife, hears his car pull up the driveway. She goes to the front door to meet him, but is stopped in her steps as the door violently swings open reviling her gasping husband. She asks if he's alright, but Frank quickly makes for the couch. Kicking off his shoes and untying his tie, he falls into the soft cushions of the settee in front of him. He made it. At least for now.
  Dorothy, a sensible woman, senses something is wrong. She asks "Honey, are you all right, I sense something is wrong?"
  Frank doesn't reply. At least not in English. "I burb fyn" he mumbles.
  Dorothy tells him to wrap up warm and go to bed. Frank does so.

DAY 2:
  Dorothy awakes to find her husband curled in a ball on the couch eating porridge and watching informercials. "How are we feeling today dear" asks Dorothy.
  Frank, mildly flushed, throws his head back. "Like death! I don't think I'll make it."
  Dorothy rolls her eyes.
  As the Manflu virus slowly attacks Franks immune system, he is thrown through a roller-coaster ride of brief fevers, mild anxiety, fleeting paranoia, and ability to walk around aimlessly in a zombie like state. By the time Dorothy has returned from work later in the afternoon, she has found her husband lying next to the toastie maker, eating ham and cheese toasties while the Lion King blares on the TV in the background.
  Dorothy tells Frank to stop being a baby and just go rest in bed.
  Frank, is hurt by this. An emotion that Frank has suppressed for years suddenly breaks out, and he begins to weep. "It's not my fault!" he cries. "I have nothing! I am but a worm under the foot of god! WOE IS ME!!"
  As Dorothy ushers her frail husband up stairs and into bed, Frank tries to plead his case to her, but with no avail.

DAY 3:
  Frank is dead...
  Manflu has struck the poor man hard and wrought him emotionally to the point of total deathness.


  From these detailed events, Females should take note at the severity of ignoring Manflu. A man left on his own in this unfortunate condition could very well perish.

So please, please, support men during this terrible sickness.
Thank you.

Symptoms: Dizziness, coughing, snuffels, inability to concentrate on often simple tasks, itchy foot, the black lung, disorientation anywhere but the couch, the chills, bad dreams, inability to find a comfortable spot to sleep, hallucinations of heinous killer hot dogs, miss-judging short distances, lack of balance while lying down, forgetfulness, phantom pains, mild addiction to a particular TV series, interest in an obscure subject or language, inability to form whole sentanc.... And many more.