Your Future Christmas as Predicted by Me

So as many of you have realised now, Christmas is upon us. But not many of you know what you have in store for yourselves...
Thankfully I do. As a ''verified'' psychic (I put 'verified' in " marks because I am not actually verified, twas a lie to sound more professional. And now I am telling you about this lie to help make you believe I am an honest and truthful being, and my prediction are worth listening to....And by telling you ^ that, I have put your mind into a deep spin of confusion, riddled with questions about am I actually a nice guy telling the truth? Or an evil mastermind pretending to 'pretend' to be nice in order to get you into a state of mind where anything I say or write is pure genius?.....) , and I thought I better put my skilful set of....er...skills...into motion to better prepare you for your festive day of gorging yourself on Christmas laced food, and being all merry and stuff.

Anyway, so as always these are highly accurate and precise predictions. And questions or queries can be said aloud from home, and if I hear them I may answer back, if not...better luck next time.

ARIES: For once Christmas isn't so much of a rush. You've got your shopping all done, made plans for Christmas day, and even have made the egg nog a couple days ahead of schedule  Beware though... Being in such a relaxed state can cause a severe lack in cognitive response. Things like accidentally pouring too much rum into the egg nog can be forgiven, but pouring in soy sauce could prove lethal. As we all know, soy sauce and egg nog is how monsters are made. Terrifying beasts with an intense lust for anything Christmas! Your family might come home from carolling only to find you chowing down on lengths of tinsel and dipping tree decorations in the cups of fake snow you have been knocking back for about the last hour. A sight like that will haunt all who see it for years to come.
So be cautious. Relaxing too much this Christmas may prove extremely unpleasant.

GEMINI: Wrapping presents can often be a mission in its self, however this year a warning must be given. A rogue roll of Christmas wrapping paper has been on the loose terrorizing Gemini everywhere.They have well planned and precise attacks involving paper cuts and will do anything to wrap you up. So keep your eyes open. Descriptions of this vicious foe are as follows;  Green and red wrapping paper with Christmas images on them.

LEO: You may no longer believe in the jolly ol fellow any more, but on Christmas Eve you will have an experience that will confirm that there is actually such thing as Christmas Magic. Walking home from somewhere, be it the pub, the mall, or a friends house, you shall encounter a Christmas witch who will ask you three Christmas related questions. If you get these wrong she will most likely turn you into a toad...or an acorn... or if you do super badly, both.
May be time to brush up on thee ol Christmas knowledge, and be wary of brightly lit alley ways where these witches like to lurk. To be honest, they are not terribly hard to spot, and they get distracted by basically anything Christmas, so out running them is a synch.

VIRGO: The best thing about Christmas are the presents right? Wrong! ...So that means the best thing about Christmas is the gathering of friends and family right?....Wrong Again!...Well at least for Virgos.
This year there is a 75.92% chance that your friends and family will get you a wild Bengal tiger, then force you to fight it in a gladiator-like arena while they all cheer on and be merry.
On the bright side though, after the first 15mins of fighting they will give you a water pistol to fight the mighty jungle beast off with, AND every 10mins you survive, they will fill it up too! So, you know, not all bad.

LIBRA: You maybe be either knitting, or having a holiday sweater made for a friend or family this year, however I strongly advise against it as holiday sweater attacks have risen greatly this year. Holiday sweaters lie in wait until they are put on by the receiver, then when nobody is looking, the sweater cozy's them to death!  The victims are usually found twisted in a state of extreme comfortability, usually on a couch, chair or even rug.
To avoid such tragedies, a simple pull chord that enables the whole sweater to be unravelled with one swift pull, should be installed.

SCORPIO: Candy canes are sweet, delicious and cute to look at, but I do not recommend them as a stable diet. You may find yourself addicted to these curved little bundles of Christmas joy this year, but it is important to know your boundaries with them. For instance a few over the course of the day = Ok. A few over the course of the last 15mins = Not good. Candy cane to water ratio should always be kept in the back of ones mind. If you are eating more candy canes than drinking water, you may be in trouble. Without water in your system to slow the candy canes metabolism, there is a 1.9% chance you may actually turn into one. So remember to keep those treats in check.

SAGITTARIUS: Your partner is going to get you something you have always wanted this Christmas, but it is vitally important you keep your composure. Getting too excited and showing too much emotion can be lethal this time of year. You will need to exert the precise amount of joy, while carefully containing the rest. Letting too much go at one time can end in you quite literally exploding. It happens alot to Sagittarius this time of year so caution is advised. However if you do explode into bits, then your partner should take it as compliment to his or her gift giving.

CAPRICORN: An attraction to shiny objects is at an all time high for you this time of year, and it is important to remain focused otherwise the potential for slipping into a 'gazing coma' is very high. Essentially it comes about from prolonged exposure to Christmas lights, shiny tree decorations, tinsel and/or clean cutlery and crystal ware. Symptoms are basically just staring at a shiny object for hours (sometimes days) on end, with an uncomfortably happy/creepy smile.
Sunglasses are a good idea, and try not to look directly at anything shiny or sparkly.

AQUARIUS: Upon waking Christmas morning, you will find that everyone in your house has gone. You have been left all alone simply because you slept in, and thus missed the taxi van that came to pick up your family (and extended family who have all been staying) where they were whisked away to holiday in Florida. They won't realise until it is too late, so it will be down to you to hold down the house from burglars, two in particular known as the wet bandits. They will attempt to get into your house, which is where you will have to muster all the cunning you posses to create elaborate booby traps and amazing escape routes.
Remember, this is it. Don't get scared now.

PISCES: There is always that one person you have to do a quick last moment shop for around the holiday season. Desperate to find anything remotely worth while, you may have to do some serious scrounging. Toads and Acorns seem to be plentiful around the place, however the ultimate present will come in the form of a good deed. If an old woman needs help crossing the road, tie her to a dog. If a small child is lost in a crowd, give it a fluro vest. If a homeless guy asks for a couple dollars, just buy him the bottle of whisky. If car has broken down, stop and ask if they need help, and if they do then reassure them that there are plenty of people out there who can help, and as you drive away you will be illuminated with a feeling of the true Christmas spirit.
You may not find the perfect gift, but bread is cheap, and everyone loves toast.


So there you go ladies and Gentlemen. Your Christmas horoscopes. Heade thy warnings, but remember to make the most of the Merry season.

Ciao
Sincerely

Alexander Phillip Pickard, Christmas bringer, and occasional merry drunk guy on the ground.

World wide Apocalypse/Merry Christmas.

So! I have been talking to a little birdie and he has told me the end of the world may very well be upon us. Now, by the sounds of things, I am pretty sure everyone in the world has been talking to the same damn bird, because everyone seems to be up in arms about this damn apocalypse business. 

And fair enough too really. Impending doom is always a bit of a imposing factor on ones life, and tends to ruin a lot of peoples future plans. I, for one, was looking forward to going on a date with Mila Kunis and Yvonne Strahovski, but given the time period in which we supposedly have left, it sadly seems rather unlikely.

Christmas is just around the corner too (in case no ones noticed that either), and I can imagine many will be disappointed that they went to all that trouble of finding just the right pair of shoes, or the perfect sentimental piece of jewellery, or the right colour stuffed Elephant, only to have it melted into nothing but a smouldering pile of goo by a raging volcano erupting from where the Christmas tree had been.  

Actually thinking about it now, I probably should have taken all my saving out and spent it on survival gear for presents instead of.....Well I'm not going to say. End of world or no end of world, I'm not giving away what I've got whom!
Mind you, if it was an absolute fact that the world was going to come to its end, then I think I probably would just blow my savings on something cool and totally useless. Like....a talking mouse or something.

Anyway, I don't think people should be getting too down about all this Armageddon talk. The ol earth has survived a plentiful array of beatings and bashing, and she's always come out alright! ...Yes, the dominant  species of the time haven't, but still!
We had a good run didn't we? As a human race, we've seen and done some interesting things. Not all good admittedly, but not all bad either. Like, there have been copious amounts of terrible wars resulting in million upon millions of deaths. But on the other hand , there was Led Zeppelin. So you see, it kind of all works out.

Anyway, here's wishing you a Merry Christmas or a Happy survival day, or a fantastic end of the world.

Take care.

Alex Pickard.
The God of all egos.