How NOT to piss off a bartender. 12 Helpful tips.

So as my time as a bartender has come to a close (for now) I thought it would be nice to share a few helpful sprouts of knowledge I've picked up on the job, especially for everyone who has never done the job.

As you may be aware, bartenders are people who teeter on the edge of being human and sub human. At times they are deserving of a 'demi-god-like' status, and other times closer to 'the walking dead'. When they are having a good night, then they are on fire. When they are having a bad night, they wish the were on fire. Literally.
Much of this has to do with you, the customer. A bad customer can ruin a bartenders night and force them into a downward spiral, while a good one can lighten the mood for the entire bar staff.

So here are a few tips to keep on a bartenders good side.

1. Never, ever....EVER click your fingers, or stick your arm out at a barman for their attention....EVER!!

This really should go without saying. The barman knows you are there, he can see you waiting impatiently, and when they are ready and finished serving the customers who were there before you, they will get to you. Clicking your fingers and waving wildly at the bartender will actually make your wait LONGER. It is a sure fire way to get your pleas ignored. I seriously doubt in the long history of everything, than any one has ever appreciated anyone clicking at them for attention. With the exception of cicadas. SO DON'T DO IT! Unless you really want to wait twice as long.

2. Don't complain about the wait, then stand there making up your mind when it is your turn!

Bartenders work more efficiently if they are not being abruptly halted by indecisive customers while the bar is four deep. All too many times I have had a customer stand, humming and harring over a decision they should have made in the time they were waiting to be served. What's worse is when they complain about the wait, yet draw a blank when you actually ask them what they want. WHAT WERE YOU DOING FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES WHILE YOU WERE IN LINE!?? JUST ENJOYING THE SHINY BAR LIGHTS?? A customer who knows what they want, or better yet, even know what they want as a back up drink, will always play in a bartenders good books.

3. No, you can't pour your own drink/ drink out of the tap!

It is a stupid question, and yes I have been asked it on multiple occasions. There are legal reasons, safety reasons, and most importantly, a customer strolling about behind the bar or shoving their face under the tap looks bad. Very very bad. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I went into your cash draw at your work and started hurling money around like Scrooge McDuck.

4. Yelling in the bartenders ear doesn't help. But talking like a shy garden gnome doesn't work either!

Bars in general are rowdy places. Especially when they are busy, and even more so when there is live music. Try to use an appropriate volume level for the current environment. If there is a DJ with a heavy bass amp, don't talk in a pitch slightly above a whisper. And visa versa, if its chilled out enough to talk at normal volume, don't pretend you are shouting your order through a mega phone. Most bartenders can lip read fairly well, or can at least roughly decipher common orders.

5. Don't be vague. Bartenders are NOT psychic!

A little detail goes a long way. "I'll have a Galliano please." ....Ok. Galliano annnnd? ...What? ....Just as a shot? With coke? Lemonade?? A sacrificial goat!?? WHAT!!?  FOR GOD'S SAKE, GIVE ME SOMETHING!!!??
Most bartenders have a good idea what goes well with what, but if you are not specific then don't give us a scorn that could peel paint when we suggest a mixer.

6. Pick and choose your cocktail battles.

It's all very well to go to a bar to order cocktails. The majority of bars do them. But it is important to realise WHERE you are ordering them. If you go into a Guinness bar and order a Mojito, then be prepared to be disappointed if it doesn't look like the ones you saw on Jersey Shore. While some bars do specialise in cocktails, a lot of bars aren't as proficient in doing them.
It is also important to pick the time you order them wisely. For instance, if there is one person on bar, and they are already looking pretty busy with quite a few customers, then stopping them serving for the next 10-15 mins while they fluff around trying to make whatever it was you couldn't even pronounce, chances are they are not going to be too happy about it.

7. "I can't taste the vodka."

Congratulations. You can't taste the flavourless spirit mixed with the copious amounts of fizzy drink? Oh. I can't taste my heart either, but trust me, its in there.

 8. Can't believe the barman has never heard of that drink!? ...then don't push it.

Most barmen aren't walking encyclopaedia's of drinks. (It is wise to point out though, that some certainly are). If you ask for a drink and the barman doesn't know of it, then explain what's in it or how to make it. Most will be happy to give it a shot, as many drinks have different names depending on where you get them. DON'T just say "oh I had a Flaming Weasel at the Red Door last night, but I don't know what's in it. Can you make me one?" Chances are, if they haven't heard of it, and you don't know how to make it, then you won't be getting one. More to the point, don't press the matter either. It is no use describing what shade of red it was or what the garnish was like, if you have no idea what the ingredients are. Shut up and move on.

9. Don't ask for seven shots when your buddy can barely hold you up.

Astonishingly, most people forget that bartenders are essentially sober the whole time they are serving. They can see when you can barely keep your eyes open. They can hear you slurring your words. And yes, they did just watch you walk into that table. So don't be surprised when a bartender say enough is enough. Part of the job is keeping a sneaky watchful eye on the rowdy, hypo, sleepy, tipsy customers who fill the bar. As a collective, the bar staff know what's going down.

10. "But I've been waiting for aaaages." Oh have you? Cool, then you can wait for a bit longer.

Nothing pisses off a bartender more than the winy voice of a customer who hasn't the patience to wait their turn like everyone else. Little tip. For the most part bartenders KNOW who they are serving next, or who has been waiting longest. Regardless, complaining happens regularly, which only further fuels a bartenders hatred, resulting in either a) customer being told to shut up and wait thier turn. or b) customer is ignored for the rest of the evening. If the bar is packed, don't be that guy/girl. It won't end well. Trust me.

11. Just because a bartender looks at you, doesn't mean you are next.

One of the most dangerous thing to do as a bartender, is accidentally make eye contact when looking up along the bar. There is nearly always somebody who will take it as their cue to start spouting off their order like a mother with a grocery list. So take it as such. If the bartender is still in the process of making someone else's drinks, then they can't very well jump to the end of the bar and start doing yours too. Bartenders are superhero's, not Gods.

12. Closing time means Closing time.

If you ever work at a bar, there is one phrase that I 100% guarantee you will hear on a regular basis. "Oh come on, just one more!" What people don't realise is that by the time you have the asked the bartender this, they have already heard it half a dozen times. When the bar is closed, it is closed. Believe it or not, bartenders do require rest too. Not much, sure... but still!
Avoid the denial and cheap pleas, just accept that when a barman tells you the bar is closed, that it is in fact, closed.


So there you go folks. A few handy tips to stay out of the bartenders dog box. And remember, even in a country such as good ol New Zealand where tips aren't necessary, they are ALWAYS appreciated.

Cheers to drinking!
Alex

ManFlu: Deadlier than Women Suspect.

  Hi all, it's been a while. I've been busy doing things and stuff. But enough about stuff and things, and onto what really matters!

  Around Winter, and often Summer, and quite often Autumn, and more often than none Spring, people get sick. I don't know the exact statistic, but I'd imagine it'd be about 99.9% of the whole population get sick once or twice in their lifetime (The .1% being made up of Keith Richards and Bruce Willis' character from Unbreakable).
  But there is another form of illness that grips many, yet it only effects one gender... Man.
  Yes, you know it, I'm talking about the ManFlu. I am not quite familiar with it's scientific name, but it'd probably be something like 'AhhhOhGodWhyMe!!?WHY-ME!??-itis' ...Which coincidentally seems to be a females reaction to having  deal with a man struck down with ManFlu.
  However, unbeknownst to many, ManFlu can be a disastrous and the full extent (to which women often criticise) can bring a man down to his very knees, crumbling everything to him.

  So why is this illness so lethal, and yet not taken seriously??
  I'll tell you Bob.
  The ManFlu directly attacks a man's manliness, forcing him to feel weak and frail. You see, the Male immune system vastly differs from the Females. A woman, when sick, can still retain her sensibility. She goes to the doctor, eats soup, takes vitamins, and wraps up warm because she knows she can beat it and soon she shall be right as rain.
  Where as a Males immune system is use to things like tetanus, rabies, and second degree burns, the common cold however immediately attacks the sensibility section of a man's brain, leaving him vulnerable to his surroundings. ManFlu emotionally cripples a man, leaving a mere husk of his former self.
To many women this can be seen as just acting out for attention, or being lazy, but it is just simply that they do not know what actually happens to a man while ManFlu sets in.

  This is why, for my female readers, I will give a run-down in detail about the stages of ManFlu using a fictitious character named Frank.

DAY 1:
  Frank is at the office putting in a few late hours when a fellow employee Jim hands him a cup of coffee. Smiling, Frank takes the cup and thanks Jim. Jim ask's how Franks holiday to Geneva was, and as Frank goes to answer, he feels a slight tingle in the back of his nose. He sneezes.
  Jims face is frozen in an acute state of shock as he slowly backs away. Frank wipes his nose on the back of his hand and tells Jim he's fine. But before he can finish he sneezes again.
  Jim, knowing perfectly well the seriousness of the situation, yelps loudly then flees in horror.
  Quickly Frank clears his papers and throws them in his briefcase before hurling himself into the elevator. He knows he hasn't much time. As he reaches his car, he begins to cough loudly. Hurtling down the motorway at 150mph, panic strikes him. The fear that he man not make it home in time.
  But he does.
  Dorothy, Franks wife, hears his car pull up the driveway. She goes to the front door to meet him, but is stopped in her steps as the door violently swings open reviling her gasping husband. She asks if he's alright, but Frank quickly makes for the couch. Kicking off his shoes and untying his tie, he falls into the soft cushions of the settee in front of him. He made it. At least for now.
  Dorothy, a sensible woman, senses something is wrong. She asks "Honey, are you all right, I sense something is wrong?"
  Frank doesn't reply. At least not in English. "I burb fyn" he mumbles.
  Dorothy tells him to wrap up warm and go to bed. Frank does so.

DAY 2:
  Dorothy awakes to find her husband curled in a ball on the couch eating porridge and watching informercials. "How are we feeling today dear" asks Dorothy.
  Frank, mildly flushed, throws his head back. "Like death! I don't think I'll make it."
  Dorothy rolls her eyes.
  As the Manflu virus slowly attacks Franks immune system, he is thrown through a roller-coaster ride of brief fevers, mild anxiety, fleeting paranoia, and ability to walk around aimlessly in a zombie like state. By the time Dorothy has returned from work later in the afternoon, she has found her husband lying next to the toastie maker, eating ham and cheese toasties while the Lion King blares on the TV in the background.
  Dorothy tells Frank to stop being a baby and just go rest in bed.
  Frank, is hurt by this. An emotion that Frank has suppressed for years suddenly breaks out, and he begins to weep. "It's not my fault!" he cries. "I have nothing! I am but a worm under the foot of god! WOE IS ME!!"
  As Dorothy ushers her frail husband up stairs and into bed, Frank tries to plead his case to her, but with no avail.

DAY 3:
  Frank is dead...
  Manflu has struck the poor man hard and wrought him emotionally to the point of total deathness.


  From these detailed events, Females should take note at the severity of ignoring Manflu. A man left on his own in this unfortunate condition could very well perish.

So please, please, support men during this terrible sickness.
Thank you.

Symptoms: Dizziness, coughing, snuffels, inability to concentrate on often simple tasks, itchy foot, the black lung, disorientation anywhere but the couch, the chills, bad dreams, inability to find a comfortable spot to sleep, hallucinations of heinous killer hot dogs, miss-judging short distances, lack of balance while lying down, forgetfulness, phantom pains, mild addiction to a particular TV series, interest in an obscure subject or language, inability to form whole sentanc.... And many more.

The Supernatural series, and why it needs to end.

So.... Awkward title, since I love the Supernatural series to pieces.

...But let me explain...

I just finished watching the season finale for season 9, and I have to say...Wow....But not in the way one would describe seeing Scarlett Johanson for the first time. No. I mean wow, as in seeing the MTV Miley Cyrus twerking for the first time, wow.
Safe to say, I was not impressed. Nor has it left me eager to see what lies ahead for the Winchesters.

Just to be clear here, the first five seasons of Supernatural are brilliant. The elaborately weaved story still impresses me today, and few shows have the type of character and episode mythology as it does. Lop the last 5 seconds off of the season 5 finale, and it would have been the perfect end to the series. And that's initially where Eric Kripke envisioned it ending.

But no...

Due to its huge following, the studio demanded more. And that's where things began to fall apart.
Season 6 onwards, overall, does not feel the same. In fact, I would go as far as to say that everything from 6 onward is just a spin off from the original series.
  When you come away from an event as colossal as the Apocalypse, it's hard to work the next seasons arc to the same level of impressiveness. And it's apparent from the get go. Season 6 is dull. very very dull. But just like nearly every season (excluding the last, of which I will mention in a few moments), it has episodes of stand out brilliance sprinkled throughout.
  Season 7 we got a whole new threat, the Leviathans which were....less than impressive, even though they were notoriously hard to kill. Nevertheless the season was a step up from 6, and instead chose a very tongue in cheek style, which worked. Mostly. And it ended on a interesting note. Purgatory. Which should have been super shocking, but instead it felt like a re-hashed, and far less impressive version of the season 3 finale.
  So entered season 8, which had some interesting themes, and some good episodes, but overall didn't feel like it was going anywhere in particular. Then something happened. In the last two episodes there was an event that threatened at some very very good possible story arcs.
  Season 9 came, and I was excited and curious to see where it went. And the first episode did not disappoint. But the second episode did... and the next... and the next, and so on. And do you know why?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T STICK TO THE FREAKING STORY ARC!!! They just leaped here and there with episodes that didn't move the story along at all, and when they did, it was dull. Dull and re-used.
  Then the Mark of Cain happened. FINALLY! An event that could inspire some interesting stories!! And what a good episode! ...Wait... what's that? The writers for some unknown reason decided to just shove aside one of the most important and original story events the show has seen in ages, in favour of more filler and pointless episodes? What! Why?? Did the other two story arc's need attention??... Nope, they are still going off on their own ridiculous tangents.....
...Hang on. What's going on here?

.....That is the very question I asked myself essentially throughout this entire season.
...What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On...
  The story lines are all over the place, and when one finally ties up, you don't care because you are still scratching your head from the last episode which had nothing to do with anything!!
It's because of this sloppy story telling that the season 9 finale was a total yawn fest. Nothing seemed shocking, because the build up to it was so disjointed. And not to mention Metatrons plan makes no sense. Nor does Crowleys. Nor does Cass's. Everything felt like one big slop of re-hashed events, and clumsy set ups. Overall nothing in the whole season stood out at all. And the only episodes that did, stood out because they were appalling!

It pains me to see a series, which was so superbly and meticulously put together during its first 5 seasons, just slowly crumble and turn into a mess of predictable, dull events. Even Sam and Dean have become worn and wary characters who are about as predictable as an arsonist with a match and a paper house.
They have the same argument they have been having since season 4. Except, for once, it was Dean that got on my nerves.
What made the first seasons so entertaining was the way, that in spite of all the horror surrounding them, they could still have a laugh. (The Ghost Sickness, and lucky rabbit foot episodes standing out as some of the Series comic highlights). The soundtracks were brilliant and suited them. The characters were proper characters. The monsters were scary and the demons were a challenge to kill. It was simple in many ways, and it's the simple things that the later seasons have forgotten about.


So I shall say it now, I hope to God (where ever he is (wink to supernatural fans, not actually talking religiously)), that they end the show at season 10. 10 is a good number.


Rant over.

My Personal Top 10 Favourite Albums!

...Not that anyone probably cares, but I often get asked what some of my favourite albums are, and there are about four that always come to mind immediately, however I often have to really stop to think about it. 

Now as all good lists do, these have and probably will again, change at some point or another (although I will admit No.1 has been number one since I basically first listened to it). 

So sitting here with my cup of coffee, and my computer blasting music, I have thrown together this list, of which tremendous thought and caffeine has gone into. 

Now just to be clear, this is just a list of my personal favourites. There may be (and certainly are) better albums out there than some of these listed, however these are the ones that have really stuck with me.

I thought I'd also share a bit about why the album is where it is on the scale, and why I love it as much as I do.

Ok... Lets do this...

10. With Teeth ~ Nine inch Nails

First off, I am a huge Nine inch Nails fan, easily one of my favourite bands. So you may be wondering, why this album? Why not The Downward Spiral, or The Fragile? One of the more epic albums! ... Well for some reason I have always had a special place for this album. Mainly because it was the first NIN album I had ever heard, and I'll never forget thinking "what the hell sound is this!?" It is groovy, and aggressive and has a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude which was great at the time (First heard in my mid high school years, go figure). But songs like Every Day Is Exactly the Same, Beside You In Time and Right Where It Belongs all had these lyrics that just flat out impressed me. Trent Reznor's style of singing/talking/whispering/chanting just wow'd me. With Teeth opened up many new doors and paved the way into a totally new genre of music for me. I owe this album a lot, and it is still constantly thrown on repeat.

9. Vol.1 ~ Hurt

So one night I had stayed up late trying to get my art portfolio completed. Rushing along nicely, I had channel 4 playing music in the background, when suddenly one song made me drop everything and  glue my attention to the screen. The video of that song is above (Although the album version of the song is far better). The sound just grabbed me, and I had to have the album. Unfortunately I couldn't find it anywhere, and nobody knew what the hell I was talking about which didn't help. Anyway by a stroke of luck, a couple weeks later I went to Canada and wouldn't you know, the first cd store I walk in has it sitting there.
I love so much about this album. The vocals and music harmonize and compliment each other so well, going from soft chilling sounds to inexplicably heavy riffs in the flick of a switch. The perfectly timed bursts of aggression really brings out the intended emotion of the songs (the overall theme of the album being heartbreak). But it was the stunning array and use of various instruments that really made me fall in love with this album. Vol.1 is not your typical rock or metal album by any means. It is complex and twisting at times, lyrically beautiful, and heavy when it need be. 

8.  The Ballad Of John Henry ~ Joe Bonamassa

It was by an complete fluke that I stumbled upon, what I can only describe as, one of the most talented musicians of this era. While trying to find some other blues song on Youtube, I happened to click on The Ballad Of John Henry... and it just blew my mind how cool it was, and not only that, how fantastic the guitar playing was. So I listened to the rest of the album, and before it had even finished I was ordering it online. In a time when dubstep was annoyingly everywhere, THIS! This gem of an album fell into my lap. Soulful and, at times, haunting vocals back some of the best modern blues guitar playing I had ever heard. Joe Bonamassa is a guitarist who can certainly make his guitar sing, and that's why (this album of his especially) spent a lot of time being played on repeat during summer. 

7. Toxicity ~ System Of A Down

Ok, the first time I heard this album I have to admit, I had no idea what I was in for. I had heard Chop Suey! on the radio once or twice and thought it was quite a cool song, so when I found Toxicity sitting there at the library, I thought I'd give it a shot. Up until then Rage Against the Machine and some Metallica was really the heaviest things I had heard, and I had only just got into those. Nothing could have prepared me for the 12.57min onslaught of the first five songs. By the time the album had drawn to a close, that was it. I wanted more. I was officially a metal addict.
This album reigned number one of my favourite albums for a very long time indeed, and although I dont listen to it anywhere near as much as I use to, every time I throw it on I still get the same intense feeling from the first time. An adrenaline pumping album if ever there was one!

6. Masters Of Reality ~ Black Sabbath

I've always loved Black Sabbath. It was one of the bands I grew up with in the background, but never paid real attention to until later on in my life. I just happened to be in a Sabbath mood one day and went looking for anything Black Sabbath. Masters of Reality was the first thing I found. It was great, and the more I listened to it the more I loved it! When I went to Scotland it was constantly being blasted through my ear phones. There was something fantastic and right about wandering around all these old stunning castles while listening to Children of the Grave. It was kind of eerie, and made the album even more epic! 

This is even my favourite Sabbath album, with easily some of their best riffs. Not to mention the impressive and emotionally riling Solitude.  It is an album that I always find something new to love about it, and thats why it is where it is on the list.

5. Welcome To Sky Valley ~ Kyuss

I got into Kyuss  a little while after falling in love with Queens of the Stone Age (And at the time I had no idea Josh Homme was their lead guitarist), all I knew was this sludgy stoner rock sound was great, and I lapped up what I could of it. Welcome To Sky Valley was actually the last Kyuss album I got into, but after immediately falling in love with the track Space Cadet its safe to say the album spent a lot of its time being played very loudly and air guitared to. It is just straight up an insanely cool album. The jams and long bluesy grooves in the middle of most songs really inspired me to pick my bass gat back up again and jam. The dirty sound and rough roaring vocal, sparked my love for stoner rock and sludge metal. Some of Josh Hommes best guitar work for sure.

4. Frogstomp ~ Silverchair

Say what you will about Silverchair now, but this, their first album, kicked serious arse. I remember first hearing this and thinking "What the fuck! 15 year olds made this!?" It was pure, grimy, hard-rock fury, and I couldn't get enough of it. Strangely though, it took me a long time to even realise it was one of my favourite albums. I played it all the time, and it was certainly the best album to air guitar too (and still is). Over the last couple years I think I've grown to appreciate how much of a fantastic album it actually is, and how much it has influenced my music taste over the years. Not too mention it always reminds me of playing Call of Duty at the old flat, since it was always in the cd player when we turned it on, so it just always got played.
It is certainly an album I feel that just gets better with age. 

3. Superunknown ~ Soundgarden

This is an album that my best friend loved long before I did. He always lent it to me and raved about it and apart from Black Hole Sun, I never really go into it... until one day it just clicked. I guess I was in a certain mood and everything about it was suddenly amazing and I totally understood what he had been raving about. It is a very interesting album indeed, with every song coming off with a totally different sound and vibe from the other tracks. And at 16 tracks, there is a lot of diversity.
A perfect showcase of Chris Cornell's voice in its prime, and Kim Thayil's wonderfully abstract guitar playing. This album is just so damn unique, which is one reason why I love it so much. I am sure I have been obsessed with every track at one point or another, many tracks such as Head Down, Fell On Black Days and Half, being played over and over while doing a painting.

2. Blood Mountain ~ Mastodon

The moment I first heard the opening track, The Wolf Is Loose, my jaw dropped and my mind exploded as I knew I was in for a serious ride. And disappoint me it did not. I know everyone raves about Crack The Skye being this epic amazing piece of art (And they are in no way wrong), but to me, Blood Mountain is Mastodon's perfect album. It is the perfect middle ground between their full on sludge metal brothel of Leviathan, and the psychedelic driven Crack the Skye. It is heavy, and aggressive, but then you get these beautifully arrange pieces of music that just paint pictures of the most epic exploits. The drumming in particular on this album, is some of the best I have ever heard. From anyone. Period. (Big call I know, but I don't care. They are amazing to the point of blatant blasphemy against all other great drummers)
The thing that I think made me love this album even more, was that my copy came with the 'making of ' DVD. It is not only hilarious, but a great look at how incredibly talented and how incredibly humble and genuinely good guys they are.

1. Lateralus ~ Tool

So this is it... My favourite album, and as I said at the start, it basically has been since my ears first got a taste of it. I had heard a bit of Tool before, but wanted to get an album to really give them a good listen. So into the local Warehouse I went and began flicking through the albums... it was a toss up between Ænima and Lateralus. Seeing my dilemma, a store clerk wandered over and quietly said "Buy Lateralus. Best album ever. Track 10 will blow your mind".... So I did... and it was.... and it did!
Musically, lyrically and vocally, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. The sheer depth and complexity to every song, and the epic scale of the album overall just warped my mind. Justin Chancellor's bass work in particular was a big inspiration to the way I tried to play mine. Maynards voice is mesmerizingly powerful, Danny Carey's drumming is absolutely outstanding, and Adam Jones guitar work is haunting and wondrous. I always struggle to fault this album at all, for there is really nothing I don't like about it. 

It still invokes the same emotions from me as it did all those years ago. A , sometimes, overwhelming sense of nostalgia is present with every listen, and afterwards I remember why I love it as much as I do.

So there you have it. My personal Favourite albums and why.

I have to give honourable mentions to the following albums, as they all were very close in the running.

• Rage Against The Machine ~ Rage Against The Machine
• Blast Tyrant ~ Clutch
• Thirteenth Step ~ A Perfect Circle
• Rated R ~ Queens of the Stone Age
• Antenna ~ Cave In
• Baby 81 ~ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• Urban Hymns ~ The Verve
• The Height Of Callousness ~ Spineshank
• Tenacious D ~ Tenacious D
• No More Tears ~ Ozzy Osborne
• Legend ~ Witchcraft

Plus many many more albums that I love so very much.

With that, I leave you

Alex.

Helpful Tips For Getting Out Of Bed In Winter.

So!
Tis that time once again when winter is starting to knock at out doors, like that pesky sales man/survey woman/girl guide/careless person who lost Christ and wants you to help find him, who all appear every year like clockwork.
Now personally, I have nothing against winter. I actually quite enjoy winter.
However...
Sadly, I all too regularly fall victim to the 'I can't/won't get out of bed this morning, for it is extremely warm and I am comfy and snuggled under these sheets, and it is evil and cold outside and if I move now I will die, or worse, get a cold.'
But over the years I have developed a few ways of over coming this barbaric ritual of suffering.

So! I have decided to share with you, my loyal-and-every-second-devoted readers, some tips to help you in your survival of winter mornings.

FIRST! You must understand that winter thrives on weakness. It can be a bastard, and if you let it hold you down, it will be a bastard. If you are going to get up every morning of winter, you are going to have to want it!

...time to dig deep.

TIPS AND STRATEGY:

1. The first step everyone will need to overcome, is not actually the cold itself. It is sleep... 
Weapons against sleep (alarms, radios, cats and such) all have their merits, but can be easily thwarted. It is a hard thing to fight through, and due to the cozyiness of ones bed, can be even harder come winter.

One of the best techniques for awaking is the simple 'trick'. This is where, whilst dozing, you trick your subconscious into awaking. Think that you saw a spider in your bed, or maybe a zombie, or even a Niki Minaj perhaps.

Zombies readily do the trick.

This should give you a semi jolt of alertness. You then should become aware of your surroundings and your situation.

2. Acceptance.
The quicker you accept that freezing air has consumed your room and that you will need to get out into it, the sooner and faster you can get out of this situation.
Try not to think of the cold you are climbing out in to, but instead the warm comfy clothes you will soon be piling on (If all your warm clothes are in the wash then imagining will just have to suffice).

3. Stay awake... at all costs.
This is perhaps the most vital step after someone has woken up, and will ultimately make or break a person. You must remember, in this situation, sleep and warmth are the enemy!
You will most likely try to reason with yourself. "Just Ten more minutes", "I'm getting up I swear. I've just got to close my eyes for a moment", "I'll just wait for it to get a tad warmer outside".
If you hear yourself saying any of these things then instantly revert to step one, because you will most likely be sleeping again.

4. Keeping awake just long enough to make a rational decision.
Nobody who wakes up right away is going to be completely with it... Except if you are a S.A.S soldiers or a Navy S.E.A.L. But as the majority of the populous aren't, this step will most likely effect you.
Once you are awake, you need to to get the ol cogs moving in the brain chamber.

Try sitting up and thinking about an object that's sitting in your room. A lamp perhaps, or an askew book on the bookcase. Avoid things that remind you that outside it is the temperature that Eskimos die at. Small things should start the ball rolling long enough for you to start planning your exit.
CAUTION!
This step can take a dangerous turn.
Sleep is a creeper. It creeps up on us when we loose focus, and it will not think twice about snaring you back into its trap.
This is why, when thinking about something, you must try not think too hard about it. Thinking leads to pondering. Pondering leads to wondering. And wondering... leads to dreaming.

5. Motivation.
If you make it to this point then you certainly have a chance of making it the whole hog. But as I said at the start, you have to want it.

Now most people simply need to get up for work in the mornings. This isn't exactly inspiring. So, I suggest thinking further than work. Think how maybe, if you didn't go into work today you wouldn't get paid, then you wouldn't have any money to buy that new acoustic guitar you wanted, then how would you get the babes at the beach interested in you? You may actually have to speak to them!!
Or perhaps buy a pair of fuzzy, amazingly comfortable bunny slippers and place them across the otherside of the room, forcing yourself to get up and put them on.
Things along those lines often work.
However, scientists have discovered a direct link between the temperature of frozen air floating around your room, and necessary motivation levels for exiting a bed.
For every 2 degrees dropped under 10 degrees Celsius, motivation required for the initial exit of the bed is increased by 70%.
Basically, the colder it is, the more shit you are going to have to come up with to force yourself to get up and about.

6. Extreme Measures - The Ultimatum.
So basically if you havn't gotten up yet, or even past step 3, then its time to call in the big guns. Extreme measures aren't ideal, but they are usually pretty effective and have a pretty clear ultimatum to not getting out of bed.
Firstly we have the ol Oven trick. Essentially the reason you don't want to get out of bed in winter is because its confines are warmer than the outside world.
So... Make it warmer...

First, start by setting the bed on fire.
By doing so, you'll find yourself out of bed in seconds flat trying to find a way to put it out. Also because it'll be burnt to shit, you most likely wont want to get back into it.

Best to have a bucket of water on standby.

Secondly we have the Pulley System. This however requires some elaborate booby trap work.
Basically you tie a length of rope around your feet, and rig it so, when your alarm clock goes off and you hit it, it will fall, knocking a bowling ball off a perch somewhere with the rope tied to it. You then should be pulled legs first out of bed and dangle upside down from the ceiling.
Now the downside to this plan is that you essentially have to spend all night planing it. And rigging it. By then the subject is usually to tired to carry on and ends up sleepings in.
The other downside is that once upside down, the blood rushes to their head and they pass out.

And Thirdly, the Helping Hand plan. Which is simply, get a butler who owns a water pistol and has a cruel sense of humour.

But hey, get creative the night before. I hear babies are excellent at getting people up during any season. Although that may take a couple months of planning.

7. Defeat.
If you get to this point, then I am afraid not even I can help you. You simply must accept defeat and surrender your soul to Jack Frost... or Santa... or whoever they have running Winter at the moment.


Hopefully these notes will help yee all prepare for the coming months of cold. Just remember step 3 and perseverance is key!

Good luck and Goodbye.
Alex

Application to run for King of New Zealand.

Dear people, and peoples of the great nation of Aotearoa (New Zealand for you foreigners... or middle earth for you fantasy dwellers).

I don't know about you, but of late it seems as if our country is being run a bunch of clowns. And not the funny kind of clowns. Actually not even the terrifying ones either.  I mean the clowns that don't quite make either cut. The ones that pull out a balloon and say they are going to make a dragon but instead make a snake. And a bad one at that.
Now the problem I have been noticing with these clowns, is that there isn't anybody but other clowns, some baboons and a few tic's, too replace them on their aluminium throne of meek minded tyranny.

New Zealand needs a new kind of power. Someone who will run this wonderful country and its stunningly proud mediocrity, with buckets of gumption and rule with, not so much a Iron Fist, but rather, a Blow up Hammer.

This is what I am suggesting.
Throw out our government and in its stead, place a king upon the throne. Introduce royalty and a mild bit of Dictatorship.

Now I realise at this point you are asking yourselves "but Alex! Who on earth will take on such a colossal task? Who, Alex. Who?"
It may come as a shock to you, but I, Alex Phillip Pickard, would put myself forward.

Naturally some of you who don't know me are probably asking yourselves what kind of credentials have I for such a job, and why should you, the inhabiting citizens, hand the trust of a nation over to me?

Well that is a good question, and I would like to throw down a few example of why I should be considered.

1. I have never once accepted lollies from a stranger.
2. I have built many sand castles in my time.
3. When I was 13 I was in command of a 2000 point strong Dwarven army, and had a number of victorious battles in my reign.
4. I know all the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven.
5. I once did 16 beer bongs in one afternoon.
6. I like goldfish.
7. I have been told I make an excellent cup of coffee.
8. A famous Greek warrior was named after me.
9. I can recite the Alphabet backwards, up to 'X'
10. I have saved over half a dozen little lizards from my pet cats.

So as you might see, I am more than qualified for the job. 

However you still may be wondering what kind of changes I may be proposing  during my rule, and what plans I hold for the future of our dear country?

This is a list of my intentions as King of New Zealand.

• Firstly, tea and biscuits will be distributed to the masses every Sunday for the foreseeable future.
• Our new New Zealand flag will contain Bill Murray slaying a Chimaera using a Taiaha. 
• All royal guards shall wear suits of armour and carry either swords or Axes.
• Corn flakes and Ricies packets will return to the zip shut design for actual freshness. 
• Police officers are permitted to bend or break the peaks of anybody wearing flat peaked hats.
• Nation wide education on how to hold a hammer properly, followed by how to hammer a nail properly, shall be enforced.
• Our national Anthem will be changed to the guitar solo from Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird'. People will required to sing it as best as they can.
• Anything to do with the Twilight franchise shall be illegal in public. All Twilight movies shall be watched at ones home, in ones closet where they belong.
• All lemonade will only be available/sold on the road side by children aged 12 and under. They shall keep 97% of their earnings. The remainder 3% will go into a university fund set up for them.
• Justin Beiber will only be allowed on N.Z soil provided he agrees not to speak.
• Primary School kids shall be better educated on all the powers of Captain Planet.
• Rapists and paedophiles will be thrown to packs of wild, horny baboons.
• I will personally make an annual voyage to the underworld to meet with Hades and make arrangements for a truce that will stop earthquakes under our fair land. In exchange I will tell him some of our best jokes, and let him try a few of our best homebrews.
• Thirsty Thursdays will be instigated nation wide with all house beers and wines being only $4.
• Men with fully formed moustaches will instantly get a 5% to 7% pay rise, depending on the thickness and creativeness of the moustache. Women will also get a 5% pay rise provided they don't nag any men about shaving their moustaches.
• Littering will be punishable via public humiliation. Example; being smothered in peanut butter and bird seeds, then forced to stand in a cage full of hungry pigeons.
• All Cacti will be outlawed immediately. 
• All McDonalds staff will be replaced by ducks, purely for entertainment purposes.
• More water fights are encouraged.
• 'Run around with a stick day' will be enforced. Every 2nd Wednesday everyone will be kicked out of their homes and forced to play outside in the sun. If its rainy or too cold, 'Read a book day' will be enforced, where the power is cut off for the entire day and people must remain inside and read. NOTE: Read a book day is not compulsory on rainy days. If one wishes to participate in 'Run around with a stick day' regardless of the rain or cold, then they may do so.
• Cooking shows and 'talent' shows will be kept to a maximum of one per week over all. Stations may rock paper scissors to decided who gets what.
• Music appreciation class will be included in schools required curriculum. A detailed history about the origins of modern music and what went wrong in the 'progression' from Wagner to One Direction.
• Compulsory learning of an instrument for everyone under 20. This includes the Spoons and Triangle.
•   The new sport 'ULTIMATE' (not the significantly less 'ultimate' Frisbee game by the same name) shall be introduced as a new national sport. (see next times spill for more about rules and regulations of the game)
• As your king, I will try and pretend to really be interested in what it is you have to say. If I fall asleep, it is not that I am not listening, it is just that I happen to be thinking about the subject on a deeper more unconscious level.
• More smiling and high fives should be encouraged by all.
• Maths, Science and English will again be taught in schools, because apparently that hasn't been happening for the last few years.
• The opposite escalator shall now be used depending on your requirements. Eg. If you are going up, use the down escalator, and vice versa. This hopefully should encourage more exercise.
• One month Zombie survival training a year will be required for all people between 16 and 100.
• Watermelons, we need more of them.
• Whoever finds Carmen San Diego will instantly win $500,000. 
• A New Zealand space program will be put together using the brightest sparks of kiwi ingenuity the nation has to offer.
• 'Stupid people' traps will be instigated. If you are caught in a trap you must go back to school, directly back to school, you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200.
• Construction workers will have their breaks cut down from Twelve 20min breaks, to seven 12mins breaks.
• Fast food venues, such as KFC, Dominos, Burger King etc, will only be able to serve 60 people a day and will work on a 'first in, first served' basis. This excludes all drunks, who must be served immediately.
• A sacrifice of 40 cattle, 12 sheep, 3 virgins and 50 crates of various beer, shall be given to Chuck Norris as thanks for not destroying our country.
• Popcorn at the movies will no longer be the price of a small car.
• King Alex day (April 4th) is not only a public holiday, but a celebration of an awesome guy who became king of an awesome country. The theme will vary from year to year, but everybody and anybody is permitted to dress up like King Alex, and prance around all day. There must be at least 5 parades and lots and lots of confetti. 

Well There you have it. Just a few thing I am aiming for.

Hopefully you can now see how much of a benefit I could make if I were allowed complete and utter control over the nation.

So come on, vote King Alex. It is the start of a beautiful thing.

Sincerely

Alexander Phillip Pickard. 

ex oh, ex oh

P.S. I am not a super villain, I promise.

Pineapples...Elusive fruit of the universe, or weapons of mass destruction?

So, I've always been cautious about fruit that can do more damage to me than I to it. Coconuts are practically kamakazie pilots just hanging from trees, and horned melons look like hand grenades from hell! Ok, yes, coconuts are a nut, but come on, I'm sure they are closely related through a cousin somewhere, I don't know.
Anyway, one fruit that I have always been extra wary of (as should all of you) is the Pineapple.

So here are a few lesser known facts about the so called 'beloved fruit'.

• Despite what its name suggests, no pine tree or apple have ever been known to cross breed naturally in the wild.
•  The first Pineapple was discovered by Alexander Graham Bell on a skiing trip in Banff for his 40th birthday.
• In the first world war, pineapples where used to deadly effect as mortar shells. 
• Pineapples are often mistaken as dragon eggs, as both share a similar outer skin.
• Up until the 1970's, Pineapples were used to treat malaria, until someone pointed out that they weren't helping the treatment at all, and in fact made symptoms worse. Without this treatment, survival rates of malaria went up by 96%
• Winston Churchill's first wife was a Pineapple.
•  Infants were replaced with Pineapples in the days of the great witch trials, by witches (who needed newborns for spells). Embarrassed, doctors in charge say they didn't realise until nearly 2 weeks later, with one nurse saying, "We thought they were just having a really long nap."
• The word Pineapple Literally means "Thorny Lump"
• In the 60's pineapple juice was thought to have hallucinogenic qualities if mixed with LSD or Acid.
• Several reports and findings of the late 1830's suggest pineapples may have been the first inhabitants of Iceland, but moved to warmer climates on the account that Iceland is freaking cold.
• In the battle of North Hedge, WWII, over 10,000 pineapple we dropped by German fighter pilots, onto allied forces in a hope to spread confusion and anarchy. The Allied forces stationed there were borderline starving, and had been without rations or supplies for nearly a week. If not for the freshly dropped pineapple, the forces probably would not have lasted another day.
• The inside of Pineapple are bright pink until cut open. The oxygen acts as a chemical thing, and stuff happens to oxergize the whatsy-ma-call its, and turns the flesh of the fruit Yellow.
• Abraham Lincoln, John Lennon, Martin Luther King, Elvis, Alexander the great, and Sean Bean were all thought to have ingested pineapple previous to their assassinations.
• The core of a Pineapple is hard enough to use as a police baton, and was in fact used as just that during the Chicago riots.
• 75% of pineapples don't survive their first winter.
• In Greek Mythology the 'finding of the pineapple' was Hercules thirteenth labour which was, however, then downgraded to 'lunch'.
• The genetic make up of pineapples closely resembles that of a dolphin or a humpback whale, suggesting that they may have once been aquatic.
• Tibetan monks use pineapples for fruit salads.
• The largest pineapple has never actually been recorded, as the bigger they are, the more elusive they become.
• Both Gladiator and Pokemon were loosely based on the theory that Pineapple may have once had their own thriving civilisation with a fully working slave system and even their own currency. 
• If one eats enough pineapple, then there is a 40% chance that their skin will turn yellow for 9 days.
• The first telephone was in the shape of a pineapple.
• Pineapples are considered holy relics to many tribes of the Amazon, and are even worshipped by ants.
• The word 'Pineapple' initially contained two more letters 'P', a silent 'H' and at least one 'X'. It was thought to be extremely hard to pronounce, and so was changed to its more common spelling.
• If you heat up a Pineapple to a million degrees, it will explode.
• It is reported that the Titanic was carrying 7 kg more pineapple in its hold than it was suppose to. Specialists say now, if the Titanic was just 6 kg lighter, then it wouldn't have sunk.

So there you go folks, hope that was educational for some and was a bit of a warning to others about the potential disaster that surrounds this extremely interesting and philosophical fruit.

Thank you.
Alex.