Application to run for King of New Zealand.

Dear people, and peoples of the great nation of Aotearoa (New Zealand for you foreigners... or middle earth for you fantasy dwellers).

I don't know about you, but of late it seems as if our country is being run a bunch of clowns. And not the funny kind of clowns. Actually not even the terrifying ones either.  I mean the clowns that don't quite make either cut. The ones that pull out a balloon and say they are going to make a dragon but instead make a snake. And a bad one at that.
Now the problem I have been noticing with these clowns, is that there isn't anybody but other clowns, some baboons and a few tic's, too replace them on their aluminium throne of meek minded tyranny.

New Zealand needs a new kind of power. Someone who will run this wonderful country and its stunningly proud mediocrity, with buckets of gumption and rule with, not so much a Iron Fist, but rather, a Blow up Hammer.

This is what I am suggesting.
Throw out our government and in its stead, place a king upon the throne. Introduce royalty and a mild bit of Dictatorship.

Now I realise at this point you are asking yourselves "but Alex! Who on earth will take on such a colossal task? Who, Alex. Who?"
It may come as a shock to you, but I, Alex Phillip Pickard, would put myself forward.

Naturally some of you who don't know me are probably asking yourselves what kind of credentials have I for such a job, and why should you, the inhabiting citizens, hand the trust of a nation over to me?

Well that is a good question, and I would like to throw down a few example of why I should be considered.

1. I have never once accepted lollies from a stranger.
2. I have built many sand castles in my time.
3. When I was 13 I was in command of a 2000 point strong Dwarven army, and had a number of victorious battles in my reign.
4. I know all the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven.
5. I once did 16 beer bongs in one afternoon.
6. I like goldfish.
7. I have been told I make an excellent cup of coffee.
8. A famous Greek warrior was named after me.
9. I can recite the Alphabet backwards, up to 'X'
10. I have saved over half a dozen little lizards from my pet cats.

So as you might see, I am more than qualified for the job. 

However you still may be wondering what kind of changes I may be proposing  during my rule, and what plans I hold for the future of our dear country?

This is a list of my intentions as King of New Zealand.

• Firstly, tea and biscuits will be distributed to the masses every Sunday for the foreseeable future.
• Our new New Zealand flag will contain Bill Murray slaying a Chimaera using a Taiaha. 
• All royal guards shall wear suits of armour and carry either swords or Axes.
• Corn flakes and Ricies packets will return to the zip shut design for actual freshness. 
• Police officers are permitted to bend or break the peaks of anybody wearing flat peaked hats.
• Nation wide education on how to hold a hammer properly, followed by how to hammer a nail properly, shall be enforced.
• Our national Anthem will be changed to the guitar solo from Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird'. People will required to sing it as best as they can.
• Anything to do with the Twilight franchise shall be illegal in public. All Twilight movies shall be watched at ones home, in ones closet where they belong.
• All lemonade will only be available/sold on the road side by children aged 12 and under. They shall keep 97% of their earnings. The remainder 3% will go into a university fund set up for them.
• Justin Beiber will only be allowed on N.Z soil provided he agrees not to speak.
• Primary School kids shall be better educated on all the powers of Captain Planet.
• Rapists and paedophiles will be thrown to packs of wild, horny baboons.
• I will personally make an annual voyage to the underworld to meet with Hades and make arrangements for a truce that will stop earthquakes under our fair land. In exchange I will tell him some of our best jokes, and let him try a few of our best homebrews.
• Thirsty Thursdays will be instigated nation wide with all house beers and wines being only $4.
• Men with fully formed moustaches will instantly get a 5% to 7% pay rise, depending on the thickness and creativeness of the moustache. Women will also get a 5% pay rise provided they don't nag any men about shaving their moustaches.
• Littering will be punishable via public humiliation. Example; being smothered in peanut butter and bird seeds, then forced to stand in a cage full of hungry pigeons.
• All Cacti will be outlawed immediately. 
• All McDonalds staff will be replaced by ducks, purely for entertainment purposes.
• More water fights are encouraged.
• 'Run around with a stick day' will be enforced. Every 2nd Wednesday everyone will be kicked out of their homes and forced to play outside in the sun. If its rainy or too cold, 'Read a book day' will be enforced, where the power is cut off for the entire day and people must remain inside and read. NOTE: Read a book day is not compulsory on rainy days. If one wishes to participate in 'Run around with a stick day' regardless of the rain or cold, then they may do so.
• Cooking shows and 'talent' shows will be kept to a maximum of one per week over all. Stations may rock paper scissors to decided who gets what.
• Music appreciation class will be included in schools required curriculum. A detailed history about the origins of modern music and what went wrong in the 'progression' from Wagner to One Direction.
• Compulsory learning of an instrument for everyone under 20. This includes the Spoons and Triangle.
•   The new sport 'ULTIMATE' (not the significantly less 'ultimate' Frisbee game by the same name) shall be introduced as a new national sport. (see next times spill for more about rules and regulations of the game)
• As your king, I will try and pretend to really be interested in what it is you have to say. If I fall asleep, it is not that I am not listening, it is just that I happen to be thinking about the subject on a deeper more unconscious level.
• More smiling and high fives should be encouraged by all.
• Maths, Science and English will again be taught in schools, because apparently that hasn't been happening for the last few years.
• The opposite escalator shall now be used depending on your requirements. Eg. If you are going up, use the down escalator, and vice versa. This hopefully should encourage more exercise.
• One month Zombie survival training a year will be required for all people between 16 and 100.
• Watermelons, we need more of them.
• Whoever finds Carmen San Diego will instantly win $500,000. 
• A New Zealand space program will be put together using the brightest sparks of kiwi ingenuity the nation has to offer.
• 'Stupid people' traps will be instigated. If you are caught in a trap you must go back to school, directly back to school, you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200.
• Construction workers will have their breaks cut down from Twelve 20min breaks, to seven 12mins breaks.
• Fast food venues, such as KFC, Dominos, Burger King etc, will only be able to serve 60 people a day and will work on a 'first in, first served' basis. This excludes all drunks, who must be served immediately.
• A sacrifice of 40 cattle, 12 sheep, 3 virgins and 50 crates of various beer, shall be given to Chuck Norris as thanks for not destroying our country.
• Popcorn at the movies will no longer be the price of a small car.
• King Alex day (April 4th) is not only a public holiday, but a celebration of an awesome guy who became king of an awesome country. The theme will vary from year to year, but everybody and anybody is permitted to dress up like King Alex, and prance around all day. There must be at least 5 parades and lots and lots of confetti. 

Well There you have it. Just a few thing I am aiming for.

Hopefully you can now see how much of a benefit I could make if I were allowed complete and utter control over the nation.

So come on, vote King Alex. It is the start of a beautiful thing.

Sincerely

Alexander Phillip Pickard. 

ex oh, ex oh

P.S. I am not a super villain, I promise.

Pineapples...Elusive fruit of the universe, or weapons of mass destruction?

So, I've always been cautious about fruit that can do more damage to me than I to it. Coconuts are practically kamakazie pilots just hanging from trees, and horned melons look like hand grenades from hell! Ok, yes, coconuts are a nut, but come on, I'm sure they are closely related through a cousin somewhere, I don't know.
Anyway, one fruit that I have always been extra wary of (as should all of you) is the Pineapple.

So here are a few lesser known facts about the so called 'beloved fruit'.

• Despite what its name suggests, no pine tree or apple have ever been known to cross breed naturally in the wild.
•  The first Pineapple was discovered by Alexander Graham Bell on a skiing trip in Banff for his 40th birthday.
• In the first world war, pineapples where used to deadly effect as mortar shells. 
• Pineapples are often mistaken as dragon eggs, as both share a similar outer skin.
• Up until the 1970's, Pineapples were used to treat malaria, until someone pointed out that they weren't helping the treatment at all, and in fact made symptoms worse. Without this treatment, survival rates of malaria went up by 96%
• Winston Churchill's first wife was a Pineapple.
•  Infants were replaced with Pineapples in the days of the great witch trials, by witches (who needed newborns for spells). Embarrassed, doctors in charge say they didn't realise until nearly 2 weeks later, with one nurse saying, "We thought they were just having a really long nap."
• The word Pineapple Literally means "Thorny Lump"
• In the 60's pineapple juice was thought to have hallucinogenic qualities if mixed with LSD or Acid.
• Several reports and findings of the late 1830's suggest pineapples may have been the first inhabitants of Iceland, but moved to warmer climates on the account that Iceland is freaking cold.
• In the battle of North Hedge, WWII, over 10,000 pineapple we dropped by German fighter pilots, onto allied forces in a hope to spread confusion and anarchy. The Allied forces stationed there were borderline starving, and had been without rations or supplies for nearly a week. If not for the freshly dropped pineapple, the forces probably would not have lasted another day.
• The inside of Pineapple are bright pink until cut open. The oxygen acts as a chemical thing, and stuff happens to oxergize the whatsy-ma-call its, and turns the flesh of the fruit Yellow.
• Abraham Lincoln, John Lennon, Martin Luther King, Elvis, Alexander the great, and Sean Bean were all thought to have ingested pineapple previous to their assassinations.
• The core of a Pineapple is hard enough to use as a police baton, and was in fact used as just that during the Chicago riots.
• 75% of pineapples don't survive their first winter.
• In Greek Mythology the 'finding of the pineapple' was Hercules thirteenth labour which was, however, then downgraded to 'lunch'.
• The genetic make up of pineapples closely resembles that of a dolphin or a humpback whale, suggesting that they may have once been aquatic.
• Tibetan monks use pineapples for fruit salads.
• The largest pineapple has never actually been recorded, as the bigger they are, the more elusive they become.
• Both Gladiator and Pokemon were loosely based on the theory that Pineapple may have once had their own thriving civilisation with a fully working slave system and even their own currency. 
• If one eats enough pineapple, then there is a 40% chance that their skin will turn yellow for 9 days.
• The first telephone was in the shape of a pineapple.
• Pineapples are considered holy relics to many tribes of the Amazon, and are even worshipped by ants.
• The word 'Pineapple' initially contained two more letters 'P', a silent 'H' and at least one 'X'. It was thought to be extremely hard to pronounce, and so was changed to its more common spelling.
• If you heat up a Pineapple to a million degrees, it will explode.
• It is reported that the Titanic was carrying 7 kg more pineapple in its hold than it was suppose to. Specialists say now, if the Titanic was just 6 kg lighter, then it wouldn't have sunk.

So there you go folks, hope that was educational for some and was a bit of a warning to others about the potential disaster that surrounds this extremely interesting and philosophical fruit.

Thank you.
Alex.

I'll Swap You A Flying Pig, For My Drunk Wombat?

I am not going to lie, it is hot outside today. At least it will be in a hour or so. Well... I say that, but really that's just a loose guess based on a very quick observation I've had of the outside conditions that currently are in play. I am neither a weather man, nor a wizard, so me saying it will be hot in a hour or so, really holds no water. I apologise for my brash presumption.

Er, lets try that again...

Hello and good evening  ..or morning, as I cannot guarantee you will be reading this in the evening...actually its not even evening while I'm typing this...

Shit...


Ok. Take two.

...Or three?... wait, would the second part be the first take, as it is the first new attempt at starting again? Or is the first sentence just considered the first take regardless if there are going to be any other 'takes' or not?

...Ok. Yes, I am far off topic. But then again I was never really on any particular topic anyway...


ANYWAY!..
Those who are still with me, I shall try to not let my mind stray any more than it has to.
Ooh! Look! A Peanut!!
...Haha I joke, I joke.... Although there is actually a peanut.
Where the hell did that come from? Perhaps there is some sort of peanut fairy that does the rounds, dropping peanuts to all the good boys and girls. Well not everyone. Obviously it would be cruel to taunt those who have nut allergies, with copious amounts of delicious free peanuts.
Then again, would you actually take a free peanut from a strange fairy? Essentially it is like taking candy from a stranger, and for all we know this fairy could be lacing the nuts with some sort of sleeping drug, where once we fall asleep, it steals out kidneys! However, why it wouldn't just wait till we were asleep normally, I don't know. I mean that way it would save money buying peanuts! Unless it's on a deadline of course, and must have a quota amount of kidneys ready to ship by a certain time during the day, therefore cannot wait for night to rock around.
There is a lot of brass assumption in that sentence. For instance, the fairies may not actually sell the kidneys. They may keep them as decorations, or use them to cure fairy-like injuries. Also the Kidney was just a random part of the body I chose as an example. Given enough time, and strong enough dose of sedative in the peanut, they really could just take anything.
And there is then the assumption that these fairies have another agenda aside from just giving out peanuts sheerly on good will.
Perhaps in this case, it would be best to take the peanut, and thank them for the peanut, but not actually eat the peanut.  I mean unless they actively force you to eat the peanut, then you really don't have to. Even then, how strong are fairies really?
See I was always under the impression they were similar to ants. They are very strong for their size, but up against a full sized human, they could still be taken out with a small frying pan, or a sandal. Once again, this is based on the assumption we are taking about small fairies. But as there is not a hell of a lot of evidence pointing to large fairies wandering around, it would be more convenient that they were thought of as small.

However small of course, their intellect may be far superior to ours (and given the state of some of the citizens in the world at the moment, it wouldn't be too hard to be). What they may lack in size they probably make up in cunning and quick wit, in which case they may hold your drunk pet wombat 'Larry' ransom for a hefty sum of money. Or things. Fairies seem to like things.
Either way your only way out of such a situation would be to bargain. You may need a flying pig. Even in today's market, I am given to understand a flying pig is worth half a dozen drunk wombats. But! It is important to realise that you are going to be getting the short end of the stick in this situation, and you must think of Larry's well being. That said, he probably has no idea what's going on, as drunk wombats tend to remain incoherent and useless  for several hours before they can even muster enough brain activity to remember their name. But as most wombats are called Bob, recalling a name with any more syllables than one, could very well take a significant amount of time.

...Or, it could just be a peanut I left there the other day when I was eating peanuts.

Anyway, I can't remember what it was I was actually going to talk about, so I think we shall just leave it at that.

All the best, but not all the best.

Alex Pickard.

Your Future Christmas as Predicted by Me

So as many of you have realised now, Christmas is upon us. But not many of you know what you have in store for yourselves...
Thankfully I do. As a ''verified'' psychic (I put 'verified' in " marks because I am not actually verified, twas a lie to sound more professional. And now I am telling you about this lie to help make you believe I am an honest and truthful being, and my prediction are worth listening to....And by telling you ^ that, I have put your mind into a deep spin of confusion, riddled with questions about am I actually a nice guy telling the truth? Or an evil mastermind pretending to 'pretend' to be nice in order to get you into a state of mind where anything I say or write is pure genius?.....) , and I thought I better put my skilful set of....er...skills...into motion to better prepare you for your festive day of gorging yourself on Christmas laced food, and being all merry and stuff.

Anyway, so as always these are highly accurate and precise predictions. And questions or queries can be said aloud from home, and if I hear them I may answer back, if not...better luck next time.

ARIES: For once Christmas isn't so much of a rush. You've got your shopping all done, made plans for Christmas day, and even have made the egg nog a couple days ahead of schedule  Beware though... Being in such a relaxed state can cause a severe lack in cognitive response. Things like accidentally pouring too much rum into the egg nog can be forgiven, but pouring in soy sauce could prove lethal. As we all know, soy sauce and egg nog is how monsters are made. Terrifying beasts with an intense lust for anything Christmas! Your family might come home from carolling only to find you chowing down on lengths of tinsel and dipping tree decorations in the cups of fake snow you have been knocking back for about the last hour. A sight like that will haunt all who see it for years to come.
So be cautious. Relaxing too much this Christmas may prove extremely unpleasant.

GEMINI: Wrapping presents can often be a mission in its self, however this year a warning must be given. A rogue roll of Christmas wrapping paper has been on the loose terrorizing Gemini everywhere.They have well planned and precise attacks involving paper cuts and will do anything to wrap you up. So keep your eyes open. Descriptions of this vicious foe are as follows;  Green and red wrapping paper with Christmas images on them.

LEO: You may no longer believe in the jolly ol fellow any more, but on Christmas Eve you will have an experience that will confirm that there is actually such thing as Christmas Magic. Walking home from somewhere, be it the pub, the mall, or a friends house, you shall encounter a Christmas witch who will ask you three Christmas related questions. If you get these wrong she will most likely turn you into a toad...or an acorn... or if you do super badly, both.
May be time to brush up on thee ol Christmas knowledge, and be wary of brightly lit alley ways where these witches like to lurk. To be honest, they are not terribly hard to spot, and they get distracted by basically anything Christmas, so out running them is a synch.

VIRGO: The best thing about Christmas are the presents right? Wrong! ...So that means the best thing about Christmas is the gathering of friends and family right?....Wrong Again!...Well at least for Virgos.
This year there is a 75.92% chance that your friends and family will get you a wild Bengal tiger, then force you to fight it in a gladiator-like arena while they all cheer on and be merry.
On the bright side though, after the first 15mins of fighting they will give you a water pistol to fight the mighty jungle beast off with, AND every 10mins you survive, they will fill it up too! So, you know, not all bad.

LIBRA: You maybe be either knitting, or having a holiday sweater made for a friend or family this year, however I strongly advise against it as holiday sweater attacks have risen greatly this year. Holiday sweaters lie in wait until they are put on by the receiver, then when nobody is looking, the sweater cozy's them to death!  The victims are usually found twisted in a state of extreme comfortability, usually on a couch, chair or even rug.
To avoid such tragedies, a simple pull chord that enables the whole sweater to be unravelled with one swift pull, should be installed.

SCORPIO: Candy canes are sweet, delicious and cute to look at, but I do not recommend them as a stable diet. You may find yourself addicted to these curved little bundles of Christmas joy this year, but it is important to know your boundaries with them. For instance a few over the course of the day = Ok. A few over the course of the last 15mins = Not good. Candy cane to water ratio should always be kept in the back of ones mind. If you are eating more candy canes than drinking water, you may be in trouble. Without water in your system to slow the candy canes metabolism, there is a 1.9% chance you may actually turn into one. So remember to keep those treats in check.

SAGITTARIUS: Your partner is going to get you something you have always wanted this Christmas, but it is vitally important you keep your composure. Getting too excited and showing too much emotion can be lethal this time of year. You will need to exert the precise amount of joy, while carefully containing the rest. Letting too much go at one time can end in you quite literally exploding. It happens alot to Sagittarius this time of year so caution is advised. However if you do explode into bits, then your partner should take it as compliment to his or her gift giving.

CAPRICORN: An attraction to shiny objects is at an all time high for you this time of year, and it is important to remain focused otherwise the potential for slipping into a 'gazing coma' is very high. Essentially it comes about from prolonged exposure to Christmas lights, shiny tree decorations, tinsel and/or clean cutlery and crystal ware. Symptoms are basically just staring at a shiny object for hours (sometimes days) on end, with an uncomfortably happy/creepy smile.
Sunglasses are a good idea, and try not to look directly at anything shiny or sparkly.

AQUARIUS: Upon waking Christmas morning, you will find that everyone in your house has gone. You have been left all alone simply because you slept in, and thus missed the taxi van that came to pick up your family (and extended family who have all been staying) where they were whisked away to holiday in Florida. They won't realise until it is too late, so it will be down to you to hold down the house from burglars, two in particular known as the wet bandits. They will attempt to get into your house, which is where you will have to muster all the cunning you posses to create elaborate booby traps and amazing escape routes.
Remember, this is it. Don't get scared now.

PISCES: There is always that one person you have to do a quick last moment shop for around the holiday season. Desperate to find anything remotely worth while, you may have to do some serious scrounging. Toads and Acorns seem to be plentiful around the place, however the ultimate present will come in the form of a good deed. If an old woman needs help crossing the road, tie her to a dog. If a small child is lost in a crowd, give it a fluro vest. If a homeless guy asks for a couple dollars, just buy him the bottle of whisky. If car has broken down, stop and ask if they need help, and if they do then reassure them that there are plenty of people out there who can help, and as you drive away you will be illuminated with a feeling of the true Christmas spirit.
You may not find the perfect gift, but bread is cheap, and everyone loves toast.


So there you go ladies and Gentlemen. Your Christmas horoscopes. Heade thy warnings, but remember to make the most of the Merry season.

Ciao
Sincerely

Alexander Phillip Pickard, Christmas bringer, and occasional merry drunk guy on the ground.

World wide Apocalypse/Merry Christmas.

So! I have been talking to a little birdie and he has told me the end of the world may very well be upon us. Now, by the sounds of things, I am pretty sure everyone in the world has been talking to the same damn bird, because everyone seems to be up in arms about this damn apocalypse business. 

And fair enough too really. Impending doom is always a bit of a imposing factor on ones life, and tends to ruin a lot of peoples future plans. I, for one, was looking forward to going on a date with Mila Kunis and Yvonne Strahovski, but given the time period in which we supposedly have left, it sadly seems rather unlikely.

Christmas is just around the corner too (in case no ones noticed that either), and I can imagine many will be disappointed that they went to all that trouble of finding just the right pair of shoes, or the perfect sentimental piece of jewellery, or the right colour stuffed Elephant, only to have it melted into nothing but a smouldering pile of goo by a raging volcano erupting from where the Christmas tree had been.  

Actually thinking about it now, I probably should have taken all my saving out and spent it on survival gear for presents instead of.....Well I'm not going to say. End of world or no end of world, I'm not giving away what I've got whom!
Mind you, if it was an absolute fact that the world was going to come to its end, then I think I probably would just blow my savings on something cool and totally useless. Like....a talking mouse or something.

Anyway, I don't think people should be getting too down about all this Armageddon talk. The ol earth has survived a plentiful array of beatings and bashing, and she's always come out alright! ...Yes, the dominant  species of the time haven't, but still!
We had a good run didn't we? As a human race, we've seen and done some interesting things. Not all good admittedly, but not all bad either. Like, there have been copious amounts of terrible wars resulting in million upon millions of deaths. But on the other hand , there was Led Zeppelin. So you see, it kind of all works out.

Anyway, here's wishing you a Merry Christmas or a Happy survival day, or a fantastic end of the world.

Take care.

Alex Pickard.
The God of all egos.

Just a quick note.

Just a quick blog.





See ya next time all!
Alex

Horror-Scopes for the masses.

Well that time is upon us again. Halloween. A time for kids to get dressed up like murderous psychopaths and taunt neighbours until sweets are dispersed. Ahhh, good times.
Anyway my last set of horoscopes seemed to be a rather popular thing, and I had quite a few people remark how bizarrely accurate they were...I did warn you.

So today I am pleased to announce that I will be bringing forth my mystic powers once more, on this thy Hallows eve, to give a special Halloween prediction for you all.

Brace yourselves, this is were things get......um.................aw god-dammit! I had something epically good and wise!....*sigh*... never mind, just read on.

This weeks Horror-scope! Brought to you by the amazing, amazing man!

ARIES: If you have never seen 'The Wolfman' then I strongly recommend seeing it. Either version will do. This will probably be a good estimate of what your life will be like if you go strolling around at night during Halloween. If you seen any growling people hunched over in the shadows, do not play the good Samaritan and see if he/she is ok. Just keep walking and try not to sound like a walking meal.
If you do get bitten then always remember to comb your face and brush your fangs. Gingivitis and general untidiness is still frowned upon in the werewolf community too.

Lucky Word: Fleas.
Lucky Song: Bark at the moon - Ozzy Osbourne.

TAURUS: Remember to water your pot plants if you have been neglecting them lately, as Halloween is a dangerous time to have angry, thirsty plant life in your house. Making friends with them, feeding them and apologising for lack of attention, is a good way to earn back their trust. Otherwise you may run the risk of a total hostile plant take over. Think Little shop of horrors, except times ten.


Lucky Word: Gatorade.
Lucky Song: Sunshine - Alice in Chains.


GEMINI: A fishing trip around this time of week may seem like a good idea, but could however prove deadly. Hundreds and thousands of savage Raging Salmon (an exotic and rare breed of Salmon) will rise up and attack fishermen all over the world. If you get caught in a pool of these beasties, they will devour you in just under 5-7 hours. Chance of survival is only 97%, which is a statistic that can strike fear into even the bravest fishermen. My best advice is to dress as a grizzly bear while fishing, as bears have been salmons mortal enemies for centuries. Also by dressing as a Grizzly Bear your fishing will go up by 25 skill points.


Lucky Word: Fuzzy-Wuzzy
Lucky Song: Friendship -Tenacious D


CANCER: You will have to fight off a giant gummy bear that has grown to a monstrous size from sitting in a pool of spilled coke and V mixed together. The catalyst has resulted in the terror of a delicious sugar treat which wants nothing more than destruction! You and only you will have the power to bring down such a formidable foe. So stock up on large hacking weapons, and always remember to sweep the leg.
The worlds survival may very well count on you this Halloween.


Lucky Word: Chainsaw.
Lucky Song: Where strides the Behemoth - Mastodon.


CENTIPEDE: You may feel run off your feet but just be wary of strangers who attempt to offer you a relaxing sit down in the back of their van with some free candy.


Lucky Word: Stranger-Danger.
Lucky Song: Night Prowler- AC/DC.


LEO: If you see a small cute dog, with or without a bow or bow tie, for gods sake do not touch it! Don't pat it, don't woo at it, don't even smile at it. It will be a hell hound dressed cunningly in disguise as a adorable tiny dog. Every inkling to turn to jelly at the sight of its cute cuddly exterior should be fought with up most self control. If it lets out a tiny high pitched yap, cocks its little head to the side and smiles, and as a result turn you into a blubbering mess, you will either need to collect yourself immediately or be prepare to have your soul consumed.
This happens to Leo's every Halloween, so just once, please please ignore the most adorable thing you've ever seen.


Lucky Word: Control.
Lucky Song: Hell hound on my trail - Robert Johnson.

VIRGO: Any of you who have been doing genetic experiments to breed pure Unicorns, will have an unfortunate turn of events around Thursday. This can easily be avoided by simply remembering to not leave the door to the lab open, otherwise a mouse will sneak into the gene splicing machine and cause a beast like no other to emerge and wreak havoc all over town. With the speed and strength of a horse, and the nimbleness and lust for cheese of a small mouse, this monstrosity will set out to devour the entire towns stock of dairy products. There is a reason why these two animals aren't allowed to interbreed.
So perhaps be a little more safety concious this week.


Lucky Word: Custard.
Lucky Song: Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden.



LIBRA: If you have been humming and harr-ing over buying a new house, now is NOT the time. Every empty 'For Sale' house around on Halloween becomes notoriously haunted by the vengeful spirits of Rats and dust mites long past. They can manifest in various ways and can sometimes cause toasters stay down for a full 20 seconds longer, thus burning the toast and ruining breakfast for all. Some dust mite ghosts have reportedly tickled peoples noses while they sleep. Trust me Libra, you do not want this terrifying experience to happen to you.


Lucky Word: Ah-choo!
Lucky Song: House of the rising sun - The Animals.


SCORPIO: If you have never watched a zombie film/show or played a zombie game, or even have no idea how to kill a zombie, then you may very well be stuffed. Come Halloween night, any Scorpio's walking through dark mysterious cemeteries may be greeted with tones and moans of the undead. Supposedly Scorpio brains are a delicacy for zombies on the darkest night of the year, and walking into a graveyard on Halloween is like a antelope walking into an all you can eat buffet full of Lions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the short cut through the Cemetery. 


Lucky Word: Shotgun.
Lucky Song: Reise, Reise - Rammstein.


SAGITTARIUS: Halloween has traditionally been a time to eat candy, however for all you Sagittarius out there, this may prove a lethal move. Deep within your DNA lies the potential to turn into something that resembles that little girl on Charlie and the chocolate factory who eats that lolly and blows up like a giant plum, or even like Slimer from Ghost Busters. If, and only if, you eat precisely 27 pieces of candy (This excludes sugar-free candy, or 'healthy' candy which, just between you and me. is just made from remnants of old tires and refrigerator lining).
So be a good boy or girl, and don't dive straight into the treats as soon as they are open.


Lucky Word: Combustion.
Lucky Song: Brown Sugar - ZZ Top.


CAPRICORN: It might pay to be very wary of huge swarms of locus tomorrow. In fact, going outside tomorrow should probably be a no go. Due to the heat and the time of year, they are driven into bloodthirsty frenzies toward Capricorn everywhere. It is still unsure why, but many believe its because goats and bugs have been adversaries for many years. My advise would be get a lot of bug spray and matches. 


Lucky Word: Raid.
Lucky Song: Locust - Machine Head


AQUARIUS: If you have ever wondered what was really under your bed, Halloween is not the time to find out. Dribbling furiously under there is a true mongoloid of a creature. Red teeth, and huge black eyes that sink deep into its oblong shaped skull. Its large round nose can smell you sleeping atop of it, and this is why it drools. It has long thick arms and long bony fingers for snatching up people who go venturing into its domain. Tuffts of thick red hair sit around its neck in a matted mane. You may find bits of this on the carpet, and just think it is cat fur (despite not actually owning a cat), and that smell you so amateurly mistake as dirty socks, is simply his breath as he pants slowly, deeply, lying in wait.

That, or its that Elmo toy you left under your bed ages ago, and you've been looking for ever since.
   
Lucky Word: Hope.
Lucky Song: Superbeast - Rob Zombie.


PIECES: You are going to have a very interesting and polite conversation with an elderly man tomorrow somewhere, supermarket, bus stop, bar, wherever. He shall explain the whims and woes of the world to you, and may bring up some very interesting points about the modern lifestyles of the common people and the politics that are secretly ruining the very society they say they are protecting. You'll share a laugh, and a song will come on, and you'll both have a wee sing along, and he shall explain what the very essence of music is to you. And you shall turn away for a moment, and when you look back to where the smiling man had been standing, he will be gone. The conversation will stick with you for a while, his words still burning deep in your mind, but you will soon realise you have a roast to put in the oven, and it was getting late anyway.


Lucky Word: Inquisitive.
Lucky Song: Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones.


Well there you have it. True an accurate prophecies from a true and accurate man called Alex Pickard.